The adorable, sweet Karen of The Quiet Owl nominated me for the Liebster award! Check out Karen's blog, it's a must read!

Here's a description of the award:
The Liebster award is given to upcoming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.

Here are the rules for receiving this award:
  1.  Each person must post 11 things about themselves
  2. Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you've tagged to answer.
  3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
  4. Go to their page and tell them.
  5. No tag backs!
 11 things about me

1. Since I grew up going to a navy commissary I thought everyone had to show identification to go into any store (even children had to show ID at the commissary entrance) ;)

2. I have quite an obsession with super-hero and action/suspense movies.

3. I have been married to my lovely for almost 9 years. He was in a rock and roll band and when I was 16 I told my sister that I would marry someone from the band. We met and became friends and got married 3 years later. I'm always apprehensive to say that one but it is kind of funny and random.

4. I wear pajamas whenever I am home, even if it is just home for a few hours before going out again. Just a habit of being comfy.

5. I have nightmares pretty much every night and am just learning to deal with that reality, some months are worse than others but it's pretty much a constant in my life.

6. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (not as scary as it sounds). When my doctor diagnosed me I freaked out thinking I was going to be hospitalized because I had no idea what it was or meant.

7. I love poetry and have a ton of books of it. I have been reading poetry since I was about fifteen and I can't get enough.

8. I had a blog following on my old blog with the same name, but I accidentally deleted it in February of this year while working on updating some things (crazy story), so I lost 26 followers and had no way to let them know about my new blog. It still makes me sad.

9. I love shoes and have too many, I mostly just wear ballerina flats even though I have a few pairs of heels that really never get worn because I'm afraid I will fall. 

10. My husband proposed to me on the beach after singing me a song he wrote. He had me stand up and read a poem by Dylan Thomas to the ocean and then he showed me the ring and proposed. I freaked out and tackled him making him fall from his knee to the sand (he is a foot taller than me) and we still laugh about it.

11. I make compilations of songs all the time and have a few I listen to almost every day. I love getting new music, but when I fall in love with a song or band, I fall hard and can't stop listening. 

Karen's questions:
  1.  What's your favorite meal to cook?- I love to cook mexican food and make yummy tacos. We call it a "taco party" every time I make them even though all we do is drink soda and eat tacos. :)
  2. Do you play video games?  If so, what games?-Yes, Mainly on my nintendo DS. I like anything Mario and Super Princess Peach. I also love mystery games and Mario Party on the Wii but I am horrible at it!
  3. If you could be a character from a movie, who would it be?- Jane Hudson from Summertime (Katharine Hepburn plays her and the movie is so tragic and beautiful).
  4. What's your sign?  Does it fit you?-I actually had to just look it up and I'm an aquarius. The description doesn't fit me at all although I kind of wish it did.
  5. If money was no issue, where would you go on vacation?-I would love to get a vila in Italy and live there for a few months, that would be amazing
  6. Do you have any tattoos?  If so, which one is your favorite?-Yes, I have four. This month I got an octopus attacking a heart across my chest, I love it! I actually got the idea from a dream I had and the tattoo has a lot of meaning to me.
  7. Why did you start blogging?- I started blogging because I was really struggling with depression and needed a place where I could have a voice and be real. Sometimes real life isn't the place to say everything, so having a safe place like a blog helped and still helps me so much.
  8. What is your favorite smell?-The sharp salt smell of the ocean
  9. What would your dream hairstyle/hair color look like?- I really like my hair now (just got it cut yesterday) but I think I would do a crazy bright red or platinum that is really long, thick, and curly
  10. Do you have any pets?  If so, what kind and how many? Yes, two dogs. A shih tzu named Isabelle, and a black lab named Amelia. They are awesome!
  11. What's your favorite cartoon?-I love The Simpsons and just think Homer is so cute. 

My nominees:

1. Nic of an instant out of time
2.  The Quiet Borderline
3. Sally of In our alley
4. Cyrene of Cyrene the Green
5. V of Un-fairytale adventures of a nerdy zombie
6. Baylee of The day I stopped making cents
7. Amy of fate-filled times
8. Brooke of Pretty Penny Mae
9. Deon of Harpy Horses
10. Jen of Jenny and the magic feather
11. Trisarahtops

My questions:

1. What's your favorite genre of music?
2. Do you believe in fate?
3. If you could live anywhere in the world for a year where would it be and why?
4. Are you happy with your style/fashion? What would you wear if you could wear anything you wanted?
5. Coffee or tea? And how you like it prepared?
6. If you had to become an animal, what animal would you be?
7. What is your favorite season?
8. Favorite actor/actress?
9. If you could do anything with your life what would it be?
10. If you knew for one day everything would go as planned, what would you plan or do that day?
11. Twitter, Facebook, or both?

Thanks for reading and playing my dears, and a special thanks to Karen! 

xx, C



Here are a few outfit ideas I have for Vegas (click on image for sources). I actually found the heeled oxfords at Ross for $16.99 and sort of felt like I was stealing. ;) They are so cute and I have been looking for some for a long time!

This afternoon I am getting my hair cut back to a crop. It has really grown out, so it will be nice to have an actual style again.

What would you wear to Vegas?

Love, C


lazy + adorable + burrito + hunter

Amelia is so lazy and adorable. She is super smart but also does the silliest things. This morning she even found a way to throw her favorite ball with her mouth and then catch it. She is terrified of certain rooms in our house, loves to eat, and sleep. She reminds us when it is time to go to bed each night by running around the house until we say "do you want to go to bed?!?". She also knows how to make chewbacca-esque sounds when she is excited about something.

Isabelle as a yoda-burrito

Isabelle as a hunter.

Isabelle is so crazy. She barks a lot and is definitely the guard dog of the group. She especially hates the dog next door (which is fine with us because the owner is mean), and squirrels running across the telephone lines. She also "puffs" which means she takes a toy and holds it in her mouth laying down while her front paws move up and down on her dog bed (its kind of hard to explain). She has an obsession for stuffed hedgehog toys (for reals, its an addiction), and any time we get her one she puffs on it right away. It's to the point that we can get her to "puff" on command most of the time. She also has an affinity for crushed up water bottles and runs around the house chasing them and crunching them with her mouth. She is sixteen pounds and is known to run around chasing male antlered deer.

Anyway, these are our crazy children and we love them oh-so.

Do you have a  pet? What do you love most about them?

xx, C


This book

This book changed, saved, shaded my life for a long time (and still does). Something about it's edible goodness, its free flat lines, its subtle worn in feeling keeps me going and hopefully and gets me to a stable rest.

When I get depressed, I mean the real bad deep depressed, I grab this book from my shelf and hold it, read it, like a strange phosphorescence I glow with a cure, even though it is a slight one.

So here I am in the afternoon, holding onto my well-worn book and in the same way, holding life.

xx, C

"a thousand reasons why"

I'm hanging in and on to the shrinking line of hope that tells me things will be ok. That life goes on, and I need to be in it for some reason. I know this is depression, I comprehend that it is an illness. But it really does mess with my brain and make me think and feel the strangest things.

So I remind myself of little things, play tricks with my brain by telling myself there is rest and an end in mind, when really I have no fucking clue where I am going or when I will be able to let down and be safe. When you can't trust yourself with being a steward of your life, well that is the scariest place of all.

And I know I'm being really honest here, and that may be a bad idea, but I tell myself that I will be missed and I believe it sometimes, but really inside me, there is no will left beside the will of others.

Then I get moments where I can rumble tumble through. And I do, every day really. I get out of bed, that is huge, I eat my meals and take my pills. Somehow this all constitutes living and is what I need to do. But it feels so empty, you know? Just damn empty...

I feel like I need to apologize for being so honest. But I won't. I know the things I say can be blatant, can wake and shake people, but I'm in it right now and I'm scared. Yet I know it will go on and I will go on just like I always do, but it isn't easy, it isn't at all.

I make lists in my head of the good things. The top of the list being R--the sweetest most loving genuine soul I know. Also on the list are the pups, the others in my life,  peonies, and the smell of coffee in the morning. Pajamas, sad songs, and rich poems, and cake, and whiskey too. These all mean something, these all make up my life, and for today I am going to say that is enough. Even though it hurts and I feel like death, and it doesn't feel like enough, it's enough because there is no other choice. 

There is nothing else to do but live.

Love, C


peony love

FYI: the blog has been taken over by peony updates...

The peonies around the house are finally taking their last breath. Since I am so in love with them my heart is a little pained to see them go, at least I can always buy more (which I may just do today).

It's morning. I'm listening to Julia Stone after another rough night of sleep. Not sleeping well wouldn't be so bad if I didn't take three different pills every night to help me rest. But I will remind myself over and over and over that it is ok and everything will be ok.

I feel like my life is falling apart even though it isn't. I seem to only be falling apart internally, but this translates to the idea that everything is falling apart. My cheap mud-brick heart is starting to give way to the possibility that things just won't turn out right or be easy and carefree. I guess I should know that by now. But no matter how much life whispers in my ear that this is my life--its good and yet the hardest thing I will ever face, I still expect ease and goodness and experience intense disappointment when things go wrong.

I can't put into words how much I fight to live each day. To pin a smile on this wan face, to shower, to walk around and make breakfast in the morning. I can only say: it is so hard. The most challenging thing I have ever done, yet it's the only thing I have left to hold onto--this hard-shelled, predominantly bitter-blather life.

So here we go, another day, another click of the calendar and the clock. And I just want to ask, how do you all do it? But then I remember I have depression and find strange comfort in having a title for my broken down life.

x, C



I really didn't want to turn this into an outfit post. But I guess it kind of is. I wore this yesterday for our weekend date. I'm trying to wear dresses and be more expressive with my clothes as I usually hide in jeans and a blouse, so here it is...Please excuse the dog bed, dog toys, and my super duper need of a haircut. :)

Dress: Target Plus Sparkle shoes: Ross
Beaded necklace: Thrifted

Depression has a big hold of me right now. It's playing these little tricks that catalyst me even deeper into gloom, making me wonder why the hell I am even here and the point of it all. The worst part is knowing there is a point, that I should be happy but am not. I think that is the curse. I'm hanging in. Going through the motions, moving arms and legs and blinking still--that's something.

Thank you my loves, for hanging in with me through all this and listening. I follow the razors edge on how honest to be on my blog, and this is what works right now. So here I go...to the great big day.

xx, C



Here are some photographs of my morning. There are peonies all over the house (I mean all over). I think I have fifteen of them in different jars and vases and mugs. I'm totally smitten with the way they look and the way they smell. I'm sad they are only in season for a short time, so am trying to enjoy them as much as possible. Peonies are one of the few good things of Summer.

Yesterday evening we made yummy simple cocktails. I brewed some iced tea earlier in the day and we had that with lemonade, Jack Daniel's Honey (not a fan of Jack Daniel's in general but this is surprisingly good), and a lemon wedge. It was so refreshing and light, I drank two and ended up feeling quite strange at bed time. It was sort of funny but I kept asking Ronald weird questions, talking nonsense and cracking up at scenes from The Bee Movie.

As you can see from the pictures, I organized and cleaned off my desk. I moved my desktop only to realize there is too much glare on the screen. We are going to try to hang some curtains on the windows we suspect to be the culprit because I really like how it is set up now, so we'll see if it stays that way.

I'm also completely adoring our mantle set up at the moment. I love all the art and how light and Summery it feels. The Batman ink blot picture on the mantle is a new addition from Society 6 and I love it. It's pretty damn nerdy, but hey, we are nerds and I have come to accept that. :)

Pet peeves:

Printers that only print from one computer even though they say they are wireless (I think our printer is possessed).

Blog posts full of links where none open in a new window so you have to keep clicking the back button to get to the original post.

Crazy ass neighbors who stomp on your yard of weeds to annoy you which only makes you laugh and think they are crazier than you ever imagined. Which then makes you want to get a lock for your garage in case they do something really crazy.

xx, C


to do, etc

photograph taken exactly one year ago

Thank you my darlings for the sweet and thoughtful comments on my last post. It means a lot!

Last night R helped me create a list of to-dos. There are the drop dead must do daily items: get out of bed, take meds, etc. Then there are the time sensitive things to do: phone calls, bills to pay, parties to plan. Lastly, there are the want to dos: watch certain movies, paint, and write. I'm using the evernote app, which syncs with my laptop, iPhone, and iPad so I always have access to it, and it even has check boxes I can mark for each task, plus it's free so that's a bonus.

I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed and stressed with everything that is going on. On Thursday we had our first consultation with an infertility specialist. He was really nice and thorough. I have a ton of blood work to do as well as an X-ray and ultrasound. There are going to be a lot of difficult decisions to make in the coming months. I'm trying to take good care of myself. And remember that all I can do is what I need to do today. I don't need to worry about the future. All I need to do today is eat right and take my prenatal vitamin before bed, everything else has to wait.

I feel pretty fragile right now. And that is understandable. I just need to take it one day at a time.

xx, C


Where have you gone?

I have totally lost my creative drive. I mean completely and utterly. I can't even remember what it's like to create, and I'm feeling pretty damn miserable about it.

I haven't sat down to write in over a month, this hasn't happened in about two years. I keep wondering what's wrong with me? And can't figure it out.

I have ideas of pushing myself. Of getting up one morning and just doing no matter how I feel about it. But then that morning comes and I feel like shit and have no energy so it doesn't happen. There is too much on my mind to make this happen. To much incessant clicking in my brain.

A lot is going on. I understand that, I feel that, I really feel that. I also know I have zero outlet to get these feelings and emotions out. I am so out of touch with who I am, and it's exhausting.



It's a lovely Summer-eve morning. I'm getting over the flu, starting to feel a bit alive, and waking up slowly after a weird night's sleep. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a fertility specialist, needless to say I am nervous.

I want to get back to my routine. In the midst of everything around me that is internally and externally happening, I have to get to a place of doing. Some of my goals include journaling, writing-- which I haven't done in weeks (it has been years since this has happened), taking photographs, painting, etcetera.

I have to really push my old tired self, and that isn't easy when there are real difficult things happening around and inside me. I feel like certain dreams and hopes are shattering, being eaten up and regurgitated into something else, being broken down into bits and melting down to the most simple form. I know life does this, I do, I really do but it hurts.

My life has been this melting, this flexing into something new. But sometimes I wonder when will it stop? When will something work out? I have had a life of depression, of bad memories, sadness, desperation, then I think, its time for this? Really? Can I go through any thing else or will I just give up?

Well, giving up isn't an option...even though I want it to be so bad, I can't even put that into words. But I just have to keep going.

xx, C


ruffian life

It has been a rough few days. I have a bad case of the flu. I also have found out some news that explains a lot, but is pretty sad too. I don't have all the details yet, but will on Thursday and may share a bit in the next few weeks. Until then, please send good thoughts our way.

Its strange when life doesn't cooperate with the plans and dreams we have. I feel very wrong, out of place, broken.

So I lay in bed, trying to rest and get over this damned flu, and keep my raging thoughts at bay.

xx, C


roses + cake + gatorade

fuzzy photograph from the iPhone

I am sick with some strange bug. I think it may be food poisoning but am not sure. Yesterday afternoon I had a fever of 101, felt weak and tummy ached and just awful. My fever broke last night so am feeling a pinch better today but still not good.

It's so hot here. Yesterday it was 103 out and of course I was inside freezing with a fever. How strange.
I feel super out of it and am trying to pull myself together for the week. I have a lot to do and can't miss any of it. So here goes...

How was your weekend?

love, C


Things to know if you want to be my BFF

I got the idea for this post from the lovely Caitlin of To Make Love Stay. Here is a list of things you should know if you want to be my best friend or any type of friend for that matter.

1.) Even though I have depression and a lot of ups and downs, I will be there for you always. Even on my worst days if you really need me I will drop everything and pull myself together to be there for you.

2.) I buy little goodies for my friends as they are always on my mind and I often see things I think they would like. I don't expect to get gifts in return, just enjoy doing this purely to see my friends smile.

3.) I have a sense of fairness in my friendships. If I am not treated in a way I think it fair or if you don't follow through with something you said you would do I hold a grudge and withdraw. This isn't a good habit and I am working on speaking up when I feel wronged instead of holding it in.

4.) I don't really talk about how I'm doing unless you ask me and show genuine concern. I am way more honest on my blog than I am with most of my friends as to how I am feeling. This makes me a little sad, but I don't like crying in front of anyone and I like to act put together all the time.

5.) I will feel self-conscious around you no matter what. I never feel like I fit in or look good, and I will compare myself to you constantly. I get a little jealous but know that is my issue and won't take it out on you.

6.) I am very afraid of losing you as a friend to the point that it gives me anxiety. Each friendship I have is precious to me and I am afraid that once you really get to know me you will leave.

Whoa, that's a lot of honesty. I don't always think of these things so to write them down was interesting.

If you follow along and do a BFF post, please leave a comment with a link. :)

xx, C



Before: I've left the mantle untouched since January (other than dusting of course). I'm the kind of person who changes things around the house really often, especially when it is a focal point and something I look at a lot. I always have different ideas as to how to arrange things.

After: This new arraignment is growing on me, especially seeing it in picture format. It looks more grown-up and elegant which wasn't really what I was going for but I like it anyway. I especially love the new typography print I found with the quote by Emerson. I think it looks more simple which is perfect for Summer. What do you think?

Most everything is vintage, or from a discount store such as Marshall's or TJ Maxx. The pink print is from Inkstomp on Etsy. The photograph is of my Grandparents.