tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49320943406227053902024-03-29T00:43:37.601-07:00life collectionGarden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.comBlogger651125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-27092648126913271102018-08-23T09:33:00.005-07:002018-08-23T09:33:52.268-07:00Things I'm loving<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhucdBlXK-ioGXbaWGijMwb4iCcPQMODNHqhArsKX-pDng3qO7Qqo5XjUFlYCbmfcBzxutjBC7DTMxToIzlzj5-GkJLamIT52Ha0gWta2roYcwVf6WP5ITDPmPvT6_zds7Rt6DRpkEsOA3/s1600/1e2b2f0d5963f493f415bc66295d2fff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="846" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhucdBlXK-ioGXbaWGijMwb4iCcPQMODNHqhArsKX-pDng3qO7Qqo5XjUFlYCbmfcBzxutjBC7DTMxToIzlzj5-GkJLamIT52Ha0gWta2roYcwVf6WP5ITDPmPvT6_zds7Rt6DRpkEsOA3/s640/1e2b2f0d5963f493f415bc66295d2fff.jpg" width="425" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm loving this <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/offsite/?token=565-417&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bloglovin.com%2Fblogs%2F100-layer-cakelet-4682169%2Fmodern-eclectic-boys-nursery-5837831257&pin=168462842296289152&client_tracking_params=CwABAAAADDQxMzg2NTE2MjczOAA" target="_blank">nursery</a>! We are definitely going bohemian with lots of natural elements.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9fuESQRmJGtPVjSZOqo42RuLorePGMwzpASoAHAY6h73i_eTod3YIz-nswqVEw3UErosWP21rvfUrXtm5Z39YMJUG4htTA0gAT7hk32IKq17YfTs9SgPtKECT4PsrYSbZiRdtnvc0xZqC/s1600/6df683600add768571b7f3a5fb1a394a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="848" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9fuESQRmJGtPVjSZOqo42RuLorePGMwzpASoAHAY6h73i_eTod3YIz-nswqVEw3UErosWP21rvfUrXtm5Z39YMJUG4htTA0gAT7hk32IKq17YfTs9SgPtKECT4PsrYSbZiRdtnvc0xZqC/s640/6df683600add768571b7f3a5fb1a394a.jpg" width="424" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the cutest <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/offsite/?token=414-571&url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F6d%2Ff6%2F83%2F6df683600add768571b7f3a5fb1a394a.jpg&pin=168462842296545016&client_tracking_params=CwABAAAADDY5OTQyNTcyOTI0MAA" target="_blank">outfit</a>! I can't wait to dress our kids and then to see how their personal style develops!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGc8JjxVfvFgSHZQPJ4BtJ_UzunoXp7678EA6a_hYRUOlxI849nkUHrSe8uCmBzLp7oX221mBiRBn3iJdqdh_S_AZXwJtLVxcmB3qPNQeCTdBjCP1jE9d2q47Ls3Z1oZdxv5N66XCYyUSU/s1600/07f3957dcec3a0bd332d9d3c3c90aafe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="748" data-original-width="500" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGc8JjxVfvFgSHZQPJ4BtJ_UzunoXp7678EA6a_hYRUOlxI849nkUHrSe8uCmBzLp7oX221mBiRBn3iJdqdh_S_AZXwJtLVxcmB3qPNQeCTdBjCP1jE9d2q47Ls3Z1oZdxv5N66XCYyUSU/s640/07f3957dcec3a0bd332d9d3c3c90aafe.jpg" width="425" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Henri Matisse is my favorite artist and I really want one of his <a href="http://colin-vian.tumblr.com/post/121489625211/henri-matisse-t%C3%AAte-marie-jos%C3%A9-1947-brush" target="_blank">sketches</a> tattooed on me. This one is in the running!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZjMnIU0kdltgdRDI31KDX_Rd3t3Kkh74drMGEDP1ZHJqJMl3azu0ziCKRQU_F91LZxgkxsX_kIKuyxOpwHTccsWoMjGTwyvyx1OdJliWD1deC1mItjVrdSuhJVaI_0FttbgK0rd-jxHb2/s1600/90cd0e0e3e8f54627e0e43e05eedb385.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZjMnIU0kdltgdRDI31KDX_Rd3t3Kkh74drMGEDP1ZHJqJMl3azu0ziCKRQU_F91LZxgkxsX_kIKuyxOpwHTccsWoMjGTwyvyx1OdJliWD1deC1mItjVrdSuhJVaI_0FttbgK0rd-jxHb2/s640/90cd0e0e3e8f54627e0e43e05eedb385.jpg" width="473" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love this <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/offsite/?token=651-687&url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F90%2Fcd%2F0e%2F90cd0e0e3e8f54627e0e43e05eedb385.jpg&pin=168462842296643954&client_tracking_params=CwABAAAADDMyNjcwOTkzNDE1NQA" target="_blank">fat queen</a>!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgFaHWgqJEkipAHG6vbMC_gwT7nHJgXLSWCuSt0pdgralmQP9Mok12zX_1-ciepZ3e1P5Dkyn8B_WVFco_udWCgISbpAftM0s2PjL3V-zvl5O0X1kszRo6dixtVp36gem3OLpvNTN6ixV/s1600/9423ff628843e27123a9d12901d3a1e3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgFaHWgqJEkipAHG6vbMC_gwT7nHJgXLSWCuSt0pdgralmQP9Mok12zX_1-ciepZ3e1P5Dkyn8B_WVFco_udWCgISbpAftM0s2PjL3V-zvl5O0X1kszRo6dixtVp36gem3OLpvNTN6ixV/s640/9423ff628843e27123a9d12901d3a1e3.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is so<a href="https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/draw-me-after-you-let-us-run-13475639/photo-4244727258" target="_blank"> cute</a>!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm35hmhhekT84clFS8rellFrPxJOCsM11Nqa1FASwJQt74DPMzzDdbNKIeJMblUe2eIaKeuWLJW_QZeGchBuoJpteZ3oPy-4EMcyFSAVsL6YLSvchBQQnbCaARXGjhERj9iAA_0Mf8DsBS/s1600/44786c7e31ae7a0e67eb038c2430d975.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="704" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm35hmhhekT84clFS8rellFrPxJOCsM11Nqa1FASwJQt74DPMzzDdbNKIeJMblUe2eIaKeuWLJW_QZeGchBuoJpteZ3oPy-4EMcyFSAVsL6YLSvchBQQnbCaARXGjhERj9iAA_0Mf8DsBS/s640/44786c7e31ae7a0e67eb038c2430d975.jpg" width="512" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't wait to see how our <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/offsite/?token=205-991&url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F44%2F78%2F6c%2F44786c7e31ae7a0e67eb038c2430d975.jpg&pin=AT8HWxze8sFoYT5cHjBqg4YVyA8z3SsnoAzOv2o5sSGC0ELib-fwgOg&client_tracking_params=CwABAAAADDc5MDQyMTM0OTIwOAA" target="_blank">baby and pups</a> interact!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOTc0hAAAVguup5RDTxGvH7zp7_27fUf6Vzgy92yMOSDLX3IliNl5qx1NVX-yRCBbNMdpt4SMLQNgnmoAmVt2qbPLnyGIhP8jayJLoXoXSUGYXWOZIgl-FDiluuUFtnOCWicWsExyFfikY/s1600/b272e608349940ddd89b8574c963f8cf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="903" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOTc0hAAAVguup5RDTxGvH7zp7_27fUf6Vzgy92yMOSDLX3IliNl5qx1NVX-yRCBbNMdpt4SMLQNgnmoAmVt2qbPLnyGIhP8jayJLoXoXSUGYXWOZIgl-FDiluuUFtnOCWicWsExyFfikY/s640/b272e608349940ddd89b8574c963f8cf.jpg" width="398" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/offsite/?token=704-263&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.modaoperandi.com%2Fmonique-lhuillier-r18%2Fembroidered-v-neck-gown%3Futm_source%3Dpinterest%26utm_medium%3Dshare&pin=168462842296677579&client_tracking_params=CwABAAAADDAzMjI1MjAyNzcwNgA" target="_blank">dress</a> is magic!</td></tr>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-74180375851137626722018-05-01T10:31:00.001-07:002018-05-01T10:31:37.246-07:00"I see a red door and I want to paint it black"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic7bS3I4Mcst73SsrlUghyffidegR7ZPVg6ArZLM2wE0Zec7WOYmk7AWSXS3UyMdReXHFLnTXNdLVssBkMmqFiFYd5mwPAbsDHt5WgXTjRo-pCDpUJmTQ4nBuk5NYvWj2QmmKsZ-_Gn7oI/s1600/IMG_6444.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic7bS3I4Mcst73SsrlUghyffidegR7ZPVg6ArZLM2wE0Zec7WOYmk7AWSXS3UyMdReXHFLnTXNdLVssBkMmqFiFYd5mwPAbsDHt5WgXTjRo-pCDpUJmTQ4nBuk5NYvWj2QmmKsZ-_Gn7oI/s400/IMG_6444.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrIKaNWR25UeKR4-eT75qWd-ZEkN8G2ThfNge1sdoRqlC3ylsccaRNizHg_2jVFB0MRvkZvp9fdGW4pLjczh4NIKYPB_zxFZIwGRW_-bWTnIP_O_c5gziFiqDGFEC4u_XExSGRz8TIeGy9/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.11.09+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="950" data-original-width="954" height="397" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrIKaNWR25UeKR4-eT75qWd-ZEkN8G2ThfNge1sdoRqlC3ylsccaRNizHg_2jVFB0MRvkZvp9fdGW4pLjczh4NIKYPB_zxFZIwGRW_-bWTnIP_O_c5gziFiqDGFEC4u_XExSGRz8TIeGy9/s400/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.11.09+AM.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.target.com/p/women-s-plus-size-button-front-midi-dress-universal-thread-153-blue-3x/-/A-53018331?ref=&ref=OpsEmail_Order_635&j=16689&sfmc_sub=176856825&l=20_HTML&u=4782772&mid=7284873&jb=2872" target="_blank">black dress from Target Plus</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6IT-Yx8CuMCfYySdo4k-Of1mc1OZZwm90zljJwZ7xVjxWzA0YRTlo3red7K5Y28SXNCfojy8q5WRigB7yUqHSWeqUUKBEPwouM_Cdui2qsGzQKRbM_5p3tynlU5bUnY88MUi6O-6N-Iaa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.12.24+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1372" data-original-width="776" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6IT-Yx8CuMCfYySdo4k-Of1mc1OZZwm90zljJwZ7xVjxWzA0YRTlo3red7K5Y28SXNCfojy8q5WRigB7yUqHSWeqUUKBEPwouM_Cdui2qsGzQKRbM_5p3tynlU5bUnY88MUi6O-6N-Iaa/s400/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.12.24+AM.png" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=2705640020003&cid=1107552" target="_blank">black dress from Old Navy</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWDKS_Em2EK9ziF9P4s3mAS2TThlkRW54SvZZIq8NyGfXsbcHYxLukGu2w7n_XY8qwSMdWM1ACx9D1uaAG-gg9WXHhve0RVF8suv6xRUy1OreuD85KXzGBQvKqkyZBKiT195JAqeK5H3WM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.12.53+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1314" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWDKS_Em2EK9ziF9P4s3mAS2TThlkRW54SvZZIq8NyGfXsbcHYxLukGu2w7n_XY8qwSMdWM1ACx9D1uaAG-gg9WXHhve0RVF8suv6xRUy1OreuD85KXzGBQvKqkyZBKiT195JAqeK5H3WM/s640/Screen+Shot+2018-05-01+at+10.12.53+AM.png" width="486" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=2071980120000&cid=1107468&locale=en_US" target="_blank">black tote from Old Navy</a></td></tr>
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So I got my haircut finally! I've been putting it off since September because staring at myself in the mirror while someone chops off my hair is just not my idea of a good time. I got a mullet and I love it! My hairdresser cut off over two-thirds of my hair! I thought it would take awhile to get used to but I haven't missed my long hair for a second! I feel so much more edgy and like myself. I also got my nose and septum pierced, and I ordered a few new pieces for my wardrobe.</div>
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Most of my clothes are very bright and colorful, I love it but I've been craving some black in my wardrobe for a long time. I found these two dresses and bag and I'm so excited! I love the little peep hole in the first dress! And both dresses are midi dresses but since I am so short they will fit me like a maxi dress which I love, so comfy! </div>
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I know my depression is improving when I am taking time to take care of myself and express myself. Self-expression through fashion and things has always been super important to me even since I was a child. I had little opportunity to express myself in my child and teen years so I would wear unique things and do creative stuff constantly to help me feel individual and slightly in control of my life. Now I'm able to do that more and more and it really makes me happy. I love when I get dressed up and get my makeup just right to go out and have some fun. A lot of times people compliment me and ask if I am going somewhere fancy, and I get to tell them I am just going grocery shopping or to the craft store. 😂</div>
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On the depression front, I've gone on a new medication that is really helping. Its a tricyclic from the 50s and there are more risks taking it, but it sometimes works for people with really severe cases who haven't responded to the new types of medications out there. I was so scared to get on it, but it is helping me so much! I really hope it continues and am just trying to enjoy each day I feel less bad. I am still in it, still have a lot of work to do and still fight every day, but it's a little easier and I'm able to see hope in the future. </div>
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I'll share more as time goes by. I really want to blog more and I think my next post will be about crafting. So keep an eye out!</div>
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xo, C</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-78626491808494811952018-04-20T11:11:00.002-07:002018-04-20T11:11:22.141-07:00"Hail Mary's in the sky"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9t9ewbao_HBKCyZFWirMQpQK2eiFkjhFu8BybNh8Z0UkIVFTt2hQL24BTgwpztfXZvhuqzqHMh3JOPuI4J2cnwqgSXIuV2FN4MNSIL-MdOzwcx7APJx9OUrHODJ-1_2S5k42cvGRsS6Ba/s1600/IMG_6321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9t9ewbao_HBKCyZFWirMQpQK2eiFkjhFu8BybNh8Z0UkIVFTt2hQL24BTgwpztfXZvhuqzqHMh3JOPuI4J2cnwqgSXIuV2FN4MNSIL-MdOzwcx7APJx9OUrHODJ-1_2S5k42cvGRsS6Ba/s640/IMG_6321.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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TRIGGER WARNING- TALK OF SUICIDE</div>
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Last week I went to the emergency room for being suicidal. I walked up to the check in nurse and through tears told her I wanted to kill myself and didn't feel safe. I felt so vulnerable and scared. They took me straight back to a room and did all the nurse stuff (vitals, asking about pain, what meds I'm on, etc). A security guard stood outside the room to make sure I didn't leave. The doctor came in and asked me if I had a plan to kill myself and we went into all that. </div>
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I waited in the ER for hours, laying in a bed crying, in a patient gown that was double my size. The nurses took labs and I had to pee in a cup and walk around with my panties showing. Little did I know this was the easy part.</div>
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They found a bed for me in the psych ward and I was taken by ambulance to the facility. The EMT's were extremely kind. Two young women who talked to me and told me they knew the place I was going was one of the best psychiatric facilities in the area. Once I got there I got off the gurney and an RN (also my contact for the day) took vitals and handed me a folder with "everything I needed to know". </div>
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She brought me to my room, I had to take off all my clothes so she could do a skin check to make sure I didn't have any open wounds, and checked my hair for lice. Then she asked if I had "packed anything" for my stay. I hadn't as I had no idea that morning that I would end up in a psych ward for being suicidal. She brought me a paper bag of generic antiperspirant, a "safety toothbrush", and some body wash/shampoo crap. She told me I could get Ativan every two hours to help with my anxiety, and then she left.</div>
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Once she left I instantly went to get the Ativan because I was beyond anxious and knew I was going to have a panic attack. Then I went back to my room and the panic attack started. The thing I learned about psych wards is that the nurses follow you and check in on you constantly but don't say a fucking word. A nurse peeked into my room during my panic attack to make sure I was in there behaving myself and she asked if I was ok. I told her no and that I needed someone to sit with me. She said she would get my contact person. A few minutes later, my contact person came in with a phone and told me to call someone and then left. If you have ever had a panic attack, you know that talking during one is almost impossible. I called Ronald but couldn't say anything at all. He just heard me sobbing and I'm sure it scared the hell out of him. </div>
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The first night was basically one long panic attack. I wasn't allowed to take my normal night meds until I saw a psychiatrist (who wouldn't be in until the next day), so I couldn't sleep. Every 2 hours I would get up to get an Ativan. There were two clocks in the entire facility. One at the nurses station, and one in the community room, so I got up every few minutes to check the time, wandering the halls in my pjs with the drawstrings taken out so I wouldn't hang myself.</div>
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The next day I sort of settled and started to get the hang of it. I was able to eat a tiny bit of breakfast. Then Ativan, Ativan. Ativan. One patient came and talked to me. I called Ronald a lot, was able to go outside in an ugly patio area and see the sky, and went to a few (totally worthless) group meetings. </div>
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Things I learned while being in a psych ward:</div>
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1. The nurses and staff don't give a shit about you or your wellness other than how it reflects on them. You get a contact nurse each day who asks "are you hearing voices? are you wanting to hurt someone or hurt yourself?" twice during the day and that's it.</div>
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2. The nurses weren't mean to me, but they weren't kind either, other than two of them who I only saw once.</div>
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3. They monitor everything. How much food you eat, they look in your room every 15 minutes to make sure you're still alive, they literally follow you around with clipboards writing things down about you. If you cry they write it down (I recommend crying in the shower).</div>
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4. There is zero privacy. Even the bathroom only has a curtain. If you close your bedroom door, the nurses come and open it without knocking, you don't have a single moment to yourself.</div>
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5. You have to prove that you deserve to be let out. They can keep you as long as they want. Yes you have rights and the right to appeal their decision to keep you longer, but it isn't an easy process. So be good. Be good. Be good. </div>
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6. Instead of doing the work to get well, you start to do the work to get out. The work to get out is stupid and not the work you need to do to get better. Eat all your food, sit in the community room and watch tv, smile, don't cry or show emotion, go to every group, act as normal as possible, interact with other patients but only a little because the nurses don't like when you get really close. No touching ANYONE, no exchanging info with any patients to keep in touch when you get out of hell.</div>
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7. You are treated like cattle and prisoners when you have done nothing wrong. There is no comfort there. There is no shoulder to cry on. There is no opportunity to open up about how and why you are suicidal.</div>
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8. There were some very sick patients there who were dangerous and it was so sad. I felt so terrible for them, the nurses made fun of them which infuriated me. There was yelling and screaming most of the night just from two patients! One patient had to have three men follow him around in case he became violent. He did once and we were locked in the community room for 20 minutes watching them restrain him. But we had to act disinterested otherwise they would write it down. I couldn't help but smile and laugh when that same patient began yelling to all the male nurses that they needed to go to Sexual Addiction Anonymous. I felt so bad for this man who was so paranoid and angry and obviously very ill, it broke my heart, but that was a a little moment of much needed levity. </div>
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9. You get paranoid. It makes sense to be paranoid when you are being watched like this and yet if you tell them you feel paranoid they will write that down as a sign of your illness. You are treated like you are crazy. I am a pretty high functioning mentally ill person. I have very serious mental illness and yet I am a pro at acting fine in public, I have a very good mask. I behaved myself the entire time and still felt like the bad guy and that I was crazy and not human.</div>
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10. You get bored as fuck. There was nothing to do. No music. One tv that always had something on I didn't want to watch. 10 magazines from 2014. 1 Christmas coloring book with a bucket of markers. A few board games. The first night I asked for some paper and they gave me a legal pad. That legal pad did more for me than anything else in this entire process. It saved my life. I filled up the entire thing with notes, doodles, letters to Ron, lists and plans. That is seriously how I got well enough to leave. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and wrote out all my thoughts and feelings.</div>
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I thought my experience was going to be much more therapeutic. I thought that there would be one on one therapy. Groups where we actually talked about our problems. Crafts, music, things to do, things to enjoy. This just wasn't the case. Even little things like we could pick flowers from one bush on the patio but we weren't allowed to bring them inside to our room. Why not? I have no idea...</div>
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I really thought I wasn't going to get out after my 51-50 expired (a hold the police give where you can legally be held for 72 hours). I was panicked that whole day. I finally met with the psychiatrist and he told me I could go and really didn't give a shit about anything I said. He didn't even make eye contact with me. Once I left the room I went to the community room, arms raised like a champ telling the few people who became sort of friends that I was leaving that day. We all celebrated and then as I left, my roommate came up to me sobbing, telling me she wasn't getting out for another week at least. It broke my heart. This isn't how mental healthcare should be.</div>
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Besides ECT, this was one of the worst experiences of my life. I still think ECT was more traumatic. Even though it was terrible I'm still so glad I went into the hospital. It was brave of me. It was me saying that my life is worth living and fighting for even when its hell, that I deserve to live. <b>I am not writing this to discourage anyone from going to the hospital to get help</b>. I seriously think if you need the help you need to go for it. It sucks, but your life is worth it. Just having the safety and knowing there was no way I could hurt myself gave me the space I needed to get on my feet a little and think more clearly. </div>
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I needed to write this out and make it public for my own healing. I need to share more, I keep everything inside and its fucking killing me. That is why I am posting this. I'm hoping to blog more about how I'm doing and mental health things. </div>
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xo, C</div>
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-37707082960186229462018-01-26T09:48:00.001-08:002018-01-26T09:48:47.077-08:005 things you may not know about me part II<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9N_nOJqa5LYAdZru_cT2kqvP1SB3iLSfSahjih6WkdXSHUs12cC-yMGpP_44hzsrYHkR22jfhNBluwOMLVM7KyU6Sx8hCZ8HeHNuHX-TobaPyFFyGrMiej4GqkZt2IVqFRYcit4lgT_IJ/s1600/IMG_3849.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9N_nOJqa5LYAdZru_cT2kqvP1SB3iLSfSahjih6WkdXSHUs12cC-yMGpP_44hzsrYHkR22jfhNBluwOMLVM7KyU6Sx8hCZ8HeHNuHX-TobaPyFFyGrMiej4GqkZt2IVqFRYcit4lgT_IJ/s640/IMG_3849.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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So just to make life exciting...I'm still sick! It's been over two weeks! I took an antibiotic but it only helped a little. Now I can sort of function, but only a little each day. 😠But today I am going to Target! So excited because I've been home bound for the most part this whole time. I miss wearing makeup (this is an old photo), and I can't wait to feel better! The good news is Ron is taking next week off work, so we are going to rest and adventure together!</div>
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I thought I would post another 5 things you don't know about me. So here goes...</div>
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1. My favorite snuggly blanket is a quilt full of holes! It tears all the time because the fabric is so thin, but thats also what makes it so soft and cuddly!</div>
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2. I sleep with a big soft grey teddy bear named Tiny. Lately I can't fall asleep without holding him. </div>
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3. I have flashbacks to ECT. I get feelings and visions of being in the room or being put under anesthesia. It usually happens when I'm trying to go to sleep.</div>
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4. My birthday is in a few days and I'm turning 34! I get so excited about my birthday, but it ends up being a sad day for me. I'm lucky to have made it this far, and I'm going to make it to my next birthday. </div>
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5. I am a vegetarian for ethical reasons and Ron isn't but he's so amazing and makes vegetarian meals for us during the week. He makes foods like crispy potato tacos with chilis, and my favorite fettuccini with lemon and parmesan cream sauce. Yum!</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-78573329669152418852018-01-19T07:33:00.001-08:002018-01-19T07:34:55.871-08:00Sick Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hi Loves!</div>
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So I'm still sick! It's been over a week and I haven't been able to function at all! I went to the doctor yesterday and got some antibiotics, I hope they kick in soon. I'm also super bummed because I'm going to miss The Woman's March tomorrow which I have been so looking forward to! All I do right now is sit and try to pass the time, drink smoothies and water, overdose on vitamin C, and sleep. Here are the two main things getting me through besides Ronald who has been amazing!</div>
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I am loving this novel! It's set in the 1760s and is about a young woman going to London to build a life for herself so she can take care of her aging father and disabled sister who live in the country. She grew up in the country so London is a big shock for her and she also learns about the political issues of the day. It's so well written, I'm about a third of the way through, and can't wait to see what happens!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK3Bs8tz73AglKz7TU99ygF9q5picRHPSibNyD8l7qjDv1KQh6N5nghh5c1FLNnwzP41kGiPNic47QJS9pG4F1BUXN9OoncIw96IYDsm1cx35l8nP9_hSr23oeR-Os9vIVuNZoT3CFDk48/s1600/Unknown.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="182" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK3Bs8tz73AglKz7TU99ygF9q5picRHPSibNyD8l7qjDv1KQh6N5nghh5c1FLNnwzP41kGiPNic47QJS9pG4F1BUXN9OoncIw96IYDsm1cx35l8nP9_hSr23oeR-Os9vIVuNZoT3CFDk48/s640/Unknown.jpeg" width="434" /></a></div>
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The Crown is so fucking good! I watched season 1 last year right before ECT, but due to the memory loss I completely forgot it! So I had the joy of rewatching season 1. I started season 2 yesterday and it continues to be amazing. If you haven't watched it yet, I highly recommend it! It's on Netflix.</div>
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Claire Foy looks so much like Queen Elizabeth, it's crazy!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kynIGV9kx1NG9ZB-4xcw9Njqi6MEkcwjn9GmdLTKn8TFJk9QxWdPufXsCY2JQW8TTVUiQYb6pynoTItuBlWQ8mJCk2S-3QhMPh_-BaT6F4Z5ktQ0dHNhea5KjGUowRs_GXC2PxCIEd7W/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="275" data-original-width="183" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kynIGV9kx1NG9ZB-4xcw9Njqi6MEkcwjn9GmdLTKn8TFJk9QxWdPufXsCY2JQW8TTVUiQYb6pynoTItuBlWQ8mJCk2S-3QhMPh_-BaT6F4Z5ktQ0dHNhea5KjGUowRs_GXC2PxCIEd7W/s640/images.jpeg" width="425" /></a></div>
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My fave character is Princess Margaret, who is played by Vanessa Kirby. She is so cute, sexy, cool, passionate, and a party girl, who is not sure how she fits in. I so want to be her! 😂</div>
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I hope I'm better soon, and that you pick up and start reading The Hidden Thread, or watch the Crown. If you do, let me know!</div>
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xo, C</div>
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Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-50025695423498360072018-01-11T09:52:00.002-08:002018-01-11T09:52:30.580-08:005 things you may not know about me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I thought it would be fun to share a few things about myself that you may not know so you can get to know me more. If you would like, you could share something new about yourself in the comments, I'd love to learn more about you!</div>
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1.) I grew up in San Diego and was lucky to live just a few minutes from the beach! It was so great to live near the ocean and hope I can do that again!</div>
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2.) I have dyed my hair since I was fourteen. I love being a redhead, but I've also had black hair (so hard to keep up!). I would love to try pastel colors like lavender and pink, but my hair is so dark now and I really don't want to have to bleach it. <a href="https://overtone.co/" target="_blank">Overtone</a> has changed my life!</div>
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3.) I still consider myself a writer even though I don't write much anymore. It's a big struggle for me to sit down and write because of my anxiety and depression, but when I do I feel so alive and like myself.</div>
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4.) I love home design and took our as-is total disaster hole-in-the-floors house from a mess to a mostly gorgeous family home. I designed our kitchen from scratch as well as our two bathrooms, and I did cosmetic things through every room and the exterior. It still needs a lot of work because it was such a train wreck when we bought it, but I love our home! </div>
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5.) I love fashion and have a ton of clothes! I have less now as I went up a size so most of my pinup clothes don't fit, but I still have more than enough clothes to mix and match outfits. I also have lots of costume jewelry, shoes, and accessories. I'm getting more into makeup and have lots of lipstick, but I want to get a really fancy eyeshadow pallet. My $10 Target one has loads of colors and works great for now! Of course, having a lot of fashion things is nice, but what I like most is the joy I find in putting together fun and unique outfits and feeling expressive and true to myself. 😊</div>
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Tell me something about yourself!</div>
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All the love, C</div>
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-58177990846017619342018-01-09T09:58:00.000-08:002018-01-09T09:58:03.040-08:00"Just down below me is the old sea, just down below me is the old sea."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgn-M0ethnU3w5rKucYjnvY80ZC8i4UiRBnoyY65iMjM0cwkyxRsY80ZUiz7g39JII-2NR_qLMe6V-SkdlrJ1bSiw9lLFgeaW1cWV0sYlTNYgeqpqsc6hjy923LTgOuH9AtmCJcSK3pXB/s1600/IMG_4282.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgn-M0ethnU3w5rKucYjnvY80ZC8i4UiRBnoyY65iMjM0cwkyxRsY80ZUiz7g39JII-2NR_qLMe6V-SkdlrJ1bSiw9lLFgeaW1cWV0sYlTNYgeqpqsc6hjy923LTgOuH9AtmCJcSK3pXB/s640/IMG_4282.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Strange how hard it rains now</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Rows and rows of big dark clouds</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">When I'm holding on underneath this shroud</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Rain</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">-Patty Griffin</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I wake up in so much pain when it rains. My mood has been up and down and I've been feeling worse than usual physically. But I'm hanging on. I know how it goes. I fight tooth and nail and have a good day or a few and that keeps me going. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Winter has been hard on my mood because of the lack of sunshine and how wet and worn the garden is. I don't have a nice place to sit out there as our swing is broken and constantly damp. Nature is one of the things I love most and it totally keeps me going. I can't wait to have a yard that is landscaped and has a dedicated garden...something to look forward to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So for now I trudge out to the deck and pine over my dying roses and plants, bundled in my hot pink robe. Then I come back inside to the cozy warm house and try to rest and care for myself. Life has been slow going because my anxiety is giving me a lot of trouble in getting out of the house and going to coffee or anything much. I'm working on it though. I'm hoping things will cheer up when the sun comes back out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">xo, C</span></div>
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-36591614506757121712018-01-08T10:28:00.002-08:002018-01-08T10:28:55.735-08:00"Blue lips, blue veins, blue the color of our planet from far far away."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hi. This is me doing an outfit post. 🙈<br />
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I'm weird because I am both super tough and super shy. It kind of depends on the day really. Well, yesterday I was feelin' myself so I had Ron take a few photos of my outfit. So lucky to have a great brick background right on the front of our house! Also, I am still trying to perfect the poses...it's so awkward for me and I just don't know what to do!<br />
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I'm really falling in love with black dresses. My whole life I wouldn't wear black dresses, especially since Ron and I have been together because my anxiety disorder thinks wearing a black dress will somehow make it more likely for Ron to die. I know...anxiety is fucking weird. I have a ton of thoughts and "rules" like that. But I have had this beautiful dress in my closet for years and it was finally time to face the fear and wear it!<br />
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So a few details:<br />
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The dress is from <a href="https://www.torrid.com/" target="_blank">Torrid</a> but I don't think they carry it any more.<br />
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I got the shoes from <a href="https://www.dsw.com/en/us/" target="_blank">DSW</a> ages ago, they are Report brand and so comfy! I really want more lace up boots. What's your favorite type of boots?<br />
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The cropped cardigan is from <a href="https://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/cropped-cardigan-rose-pink.html" target="_blank">Pinup Girl Clothing</a> I think they are a must for dresses and skirts! They carry them from size small to 4x. <a href="https://www.modcloth.com/shop/flash-sale/the-dream-of-the-crop-cardigan/40899.html" target="_blank">Modcloth</a> sells an identical one a bit cheaper and in size xxs to 4x.<br />
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I love this blue lipstick! It stays on all day and I get so many compliments on it...so shimmery! It's <a href="https://www.sephora.com/product/everlasting-glimmer-veil-liquid-lipstick-P421282?skuId=1960855" target="_blank">Kat von D Everlasting Glimmer Veil Liquid Lipstick</a> in Satellite, I also have it in Razzle and that's a great shade too! I want it in all the colors!<br />
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The necklace is a Christmas gift from Ron, it's a silver star with a piece of an actual meteorite on it. It's amazing. You should have heard what Ron said when he gave it to me about how strong he thinks I am, I cried so much! I don't know how I got so lucky to have him in my life.<br />
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I'm hoping to add more black dresses to my wardrobe. Off to look for some good deals for them online! What do you love wearing right now?<br />
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xo, C<br />
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-10584667526726110952018-01-05T08:56:00.002-08:002018-01-05T08:56:34.538-08:00Luna<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia;">I'm a bit worn this morning so here's a poem from my favorite poet Mary Oliver. I'd love to hear what you think, so leave a comment! xo, C</span></div>
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<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; text-align: right; text-indent: -1em;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; text-align: right; text-indent: -1em;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Luna</span></i></b></div>
<div class="p-subtitle text-right g-font-style-italic g-pt-20 g-color-gray-dark-v2" style="box-sizing: inherit; color: rgb(51, 51, 51) !important; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; padding-top: 1.42857rem !important; text-align: right !important;">
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<div class="p-poem g-color-gray-dark-v2 g-pt-40" style="box-sizing: inherit; color: rgb(51, 51, 51) !important; display: inline-block; font-family: Georgia; line-height: 2.571428571rem; padding-top: 2.85714rem !important;">
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
In the early curtains</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
of the dusk</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
it flew,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
a slow galloping</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
this way and that way</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
through the trees</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and under the trees.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
I live</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
in the open mindedness</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
of not knowing enough</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
about anything.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
It was beautiful.</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
It was silent.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
It didn’t even have a mouth.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
But it wanted something,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
it had a purpose</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and a few precious hours</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
to find it,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and I suppose it did.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
The next evening</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
it lay on the ground</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
like a broken leaf</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and didn’t move,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
which hurt my heart</div>
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</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
which is another small thing</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
that doesn’t know much.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
When this happened it was about</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
the middle of summer,</div>
<div class="g-line-height-1" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1 !important;">
</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
which also has its purposes</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and only so many precious hours.</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
How quietly,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
and not with any assignment from us,</div>
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</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
or even a small hint</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
of understanding,</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
everything that needs to be done</div>
<div class="verse " style="box-sizing: inherit; padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
is done.</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-88595517378848139062018-01-04T07:37:00.004-08:002018-01-04T07:43:46.904-08:00The Lovebird<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I was twelve, my mom bought me a Dutch Blue Lovebird. It cost over a hundred dollars, so I was shocked when she agreed to buy me one since she spent the majority of our little money on herself. We bought the bird from a bird store when he was just hatched, so I had a few weeks to study up. I got all the books on lovebirds at the library and studied hard. I set up the cage, I bought toys and food, I was ready.<br />
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When we finally picked up the beautiful bird, I was so excited! We brought him home and I named him Jerry. He seemed happy and I doted over him. I was homeschooled and always did my studying in my bedroom, but when Jerry came, I would do it in our office downstairs where his cage was. I started working on training him to perch on my finger and we began to build a real bond. I adored him.<br />
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One morning I woke up and Jerry was stiff-dead on the bottom of the cage. I was devastated! I cried and sobbed, I was a mess. All I wanted to do was find a shoe box and lay Jerry to rest.<br />
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My mom was upset and furious, she thought we were taken advantage of by the bird store and that they sold us a sick bird (I of course, thought it was completely my fault). Instead of guiding me through how to mourn the death of a pet, my mom grabbed some paper towels and a freezer bag. She wrapped Jerry in the paper towels, put him in the bag, and shoved him in the freezer, telling me we would go to the bird store the next day.<br />
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I begged and pleaded for her to change her mind. Since I thought Jerry's death was my fault, I thought bringing him in would only be a way to load onto my guilt. I wanted my mom to go alone since I knew how she could get in heated situations and I didn't want to be around another one of her blow ups. She told me I had to go since I may need to pick a replacement bird.<br />
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We pulled up and parked right in front of the store. I was so nervous, ashamed, and embarrassed. I can still picture sitting in the car and looking at the entrance to the store not wanting to go in. My mom grabbed Jerry and brought him into the store, asking for the manager. She opened the bag and unwrapped Jerry to show him to the manager, and there I was again, faced with my dead bird. His little legs bent in strange ways and him, frozen solid. The manager told my mom that a twelve year old was too young to be responsible for a bird. My guilt expanded. Then the manager said that I killed the bird due to neglect. I was enveloped with guilt, I sunk into the floor.<br />
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The manager didn't want to give us a refund, but my mom persisted. Finally the manager decided I could get a Cockatiel as a replacement. My mom told me to pick one out, I just couldn't because I was so mortified and sad. I started to cry and my mom finally agreed for us to leave the store with a $30 coupon. She gave Jerry to the manager and asked for her to dispose of him, I wondered what the store would do with him. Would they just throw him in the garbage?<br />
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After a few weeks, I bought a Parakeet from Petco and just couldn't do it, so we returned him alive and well to the pet store.<br />
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Twenty two years later, I still cry when I tell this story. After months of studying up, I bought my four Society Finches, and honestly, it's been hard. Sometimes I regret it because I am constantly worried I am not taking sufficient care of them. Most nights I have a terrible dream that the birds die. Last night, in my dream, Sophie got out and died stuck in one of our cabinets. Its rough because even though I now see that the situation with my sweet Jerry was not at all my fault, I still carry around the guilt. Some days even looking at my Finches brings back all the guilt from what happened with Jerry.<br />
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I hope sharing this story will help relieve some of the guilt and shame I feel about it. It's one thing to know intellectually that I shouldn't feel guilty, it's another thing to know in my heart and let it go.<br />
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I love my Finches, and when I think about it, I am so happy I have them! They are adorable, sweet, and honestly, spoiled. I love being a momma to so many amazing animals.<br />
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xo, CatherineGarden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-42221636846726772762018-01-03T07:53:00.002-08:002018-01-03T08:14:04.412-08:00tear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hi Darlings!</div>
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It's been a long time but I think posting might help clear my head. We'll see how this goes...</div>
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Since ECT, I don't cry. Maybe every so often, but it takes a lot to get me there. Sometimes I'll talk about things and my eyes will fill with tears, but embarrassed as fuck, I blurt out loudly "I don't want to cry!" and I pull it together. I know I feel a lot better after I cry, but I can't get past that embarrassed feeling. When I'm alone and start to cry I also pull it together after a sob or two because I know it will lead to a panic attack, which it has many times. I guess I'm a hard nut to crack.</div>
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ECT was the most traumatic event in my life besides my childhood. Now both experiences have kind of lumped together as one big mess of trauma. When I talk about one, I talk about the other. I don't know how to deal with all this pain, sadness, and anger. I know dealing with these issues is the way forward for my healing. </div>
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I'm so excited for healing. I just want to be on the right track so I can get there. There are so many things I want to do and experience in my life, my heart starts racing with happiness and joy just thinking about it. I really hope I can get there. I really hope I can start crying. I want to cry.</div>
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As a child, I would be yelled at when I cried, and I know this is part of the reason I close up. I am scared and ashamed to cry around other people. During ECT, I would start crying sometimes, it was mortifying to me, I would stuff it up and keep it in even when the (mostly) kind nurses told me it was ok to cry and let it out. During therapy I keep it together too. I feel very exposed and embarrassed around my therapist even though we've been working together for over 12 years. I mean, just that I feel embarrassed around Ron shows how much of an issue this is for me.</div>
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Ok...I think I'm rambling...</div>
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But to get to those tears, those dollops of moisture coming out of my sad dry eyes. So much pain held in that liquid. All my childhood dread and terrible experiences, ECT memories of being rolled into the "operation" room feeling like a soon to be euthanized animal as they pierced my skin to drudge anesthesia to my veins.</div>
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So many thoughts and feels. Just trying to get them out a bit. Sometimes saying it "out loud" in a sort of public setting can help.</div>
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Love you, C</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-72237478940317402402017-07-26T08:06:00.001-07:002017-07-26T08:06:22.208-07:00trying<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">gratuitous cute dog photo.</td></tr>
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I'm returning to the blog. I'm trying to do everything I can to improve my chances of surviving this depression. So here we go...</div>
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This morning I went for a walk with R, and two of the pups. The trees were amazing in different shades of green and we caught the cool morning air before the Summer swelter. I feel nauseas, nervous, tired. I have therapy tomorrow, ECT Friday, and DBT Saturday (so many acronyms). My recovery and survival is my only focus. It takes a lot of work! But I'm hoping it pays off, I'm hoping I survive this. This is the hardest battle I've ever faced. But I'm one determined motherfucker, and I'm not giving up without a fight.</div>
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Due to ECT, I can't drive right now. All I want to do is drive and go shopping! Tonight we are going to dinner with some of R's work colleagues and I am thinking of dressing up and wearing makeup for the first time in months! I think it will be a good boost to my self-esteem to do something normal. </div>
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I'm a bit rusty at this, but I'll try to keep it up.</div>
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xo, C</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-76367776226657955042017-03-28T10:33:00.000-07:002017-03-28T10:33:34.291-07:00HairSo I stopped shaving about a month ago. EVERYWHERE. I still pluck my eyebrows and my silly little mustache whiskers but the rest of my hair is enjoying its freedom! I stopped because it's winter, because I have issues with self-harm and razors are a big trigger, and also because I am tired of doing things because it's <i>what women should do</i>.<br />
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I want to just do whatever I want. And so far the hair grow process has gone ok. At first I fucking hated it, I hate seeing my legs hairy even though they are super soft, and I also hate these damn hairy armpits too. Whenever I see it I am grossed out, so yes, I feel gross. But every time I feel gross I remind myself that I am feeling gross because society has taught me that having body hair in certain places is gross for women. That honestly is fucked up. So then for a minute or two I feel empowered. And I'm definitely getting used to it. Also, armpit hair helps release pheromones so if you find me to be more sexy, well you can thank the hairs.<br />
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The thing is learning to love your body is a huge struggle. Especially with the media constantly telling you there is something wrong with you that can be fixed with their product, and tons of things on social media judging and ripping people apart based on their appearance. I think I suck at self love and then I realize this is just the road I'm on. I'm still trying real hard, I have a lot of beliefs about myself as a whole that I need to work through, and body image is a big facet of that. So I don't suck at self love. I mean I have armpit hair, that has to mean I'm doing something, right?!<br />
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I think a lot of times in the self love community we don't talk about how hard it is to get to a place of self love. I have been on this journey for 2 years now and I still rarely feel love for myself. But I'm working on it, I'm trying things, so that's something. Ahhh now I'm thinking I'm failing at self love again! See it's a moment to moment process.<br />
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I'm not at all saying that you can't shave if you are practicing self love. I just want you to do whatever <i>you </i>want. As long as it isn't hurtful, or illegal fucking go for it!<br />
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more soon...<br />
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C<br />
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-25103903157677749622017-03-15T08:47:00.001-07:002017-03-15T08:47:39.098-07:00The Ponds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>The Ponds</b></div>
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Mary Oliver</div>
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Every year</div>
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the lilies</div>
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are so perfect</div>
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I can hardly believe</div>
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their lapped light crowding</div>
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the black,</div>
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mid-summer ponds.</div>
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Nobody could count all of them--</div>
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the muskrats swimming</div>
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among the pads and the grasses</div>
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can reach out</div>
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their muscular arms and touch</div>
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only so many, they are that</div>
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rife and wild.</div>
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But what in this world</div>
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is perfect?</div>
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I bend closer and see</div>
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how this one is clearly lopsided--</div>
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and that one wears an orange blight--</div>
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and this one is a glossy cheek</div>
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half nibbled away--</div>
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and that one is a slumped purse</div>
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full of its own</div>
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unstoppable decay.</div>
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Still, what I want in my life</div>
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is to be willing</div>
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to be dazzled--</div>
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to cast aside the weight of facts</div>
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and maybe even </div>
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to float a little</div>
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above this difficult world.</div>
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I want to believe I am looking</div>
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into the white fire of a great mystery.</div>
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I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing--</div>
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that the light is everything--that it is more than the sum</div>
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of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.</div>
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-21228898465447850182017-02-06T09:39:00.002-08:002017-02-06T09:39:55.639-08:00survivalHi Friends,<br />
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I am feeling pretty damn awful. The depression has gotten worse and I cry all the time. I am on Lithium now and it hasn't been helping one bit. We aren't sure what to do next but for now I'm just trying to cope until therapy on Thursday.<br />
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I'm very tired. Physically tired, soul tired, emotionally tired, brain tired. Sleep doesn't help me feel any more rested. Instead I wake up feeling hungover. It's been rough and I thought 2017 was going to be better.<br />
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Ronald has been great. Extra snuggles this weekend and care. I wake in the night crying because I am so sad and hopeless, he wakes up and rubs my back. Love him. He also does all the chores as my fibromyalgia has been horrible, to the point that I can hardly shower. I think I married the best guy on earth.<br />
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I wish I had something good and fun to talk about, but we are just in a horrible place right now. It's so sad. I'm so stressed about money as Cricket's vet bills really piled up, and she has ongoing treatment we have to cover. We've cut back on any extra spending so we'll be ok after awhile but I just hope nothing else goes wrong or we'll be totally screwed.<br />
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I'm reading a good book about Paris. I'm thankful for sweatpants and cozy blankets. I adore R and these pups more than anything. I want to learn to read tarot and palms. We've started burning incense and it's lovely. Every night R makes me a fire so I can stay really warm for my fibro. We have a little bit of chocolate in the house, and a lot of whiskey. And I'm hoping we'll get through this bout.<br />
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xo, C<br />
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-34576179353724581472017-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:002017-01-10T11:55:16.094-08:00"and I don't feel any different"Hi Love,<br />
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It's 2017! Holy smokes! I have some ideas for the year that I am excited about. I've started journaling several times a week, I'm going to start writing poetry again, and most importantly--I want to work on loving myself. That's a tough one. Oh and I want to get better at crying. I've been stuffing the feels lately and that's always a bad idea.<br />
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I'm still in my depression but it's slowly improving. Just working more and more every day and not giving up. That's all I can do. Sometimes I feel these glowing lovely feelings about life and it is amazing, I haven't had those sparks since February of last year so it's a big improvement. I am an inspired soul and joy in little things keep my heart beating. When depression blocks those joys I start to crumble. So I'm on a positive course right now.<br />
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Ronald is going to be traveling more and I am trying to be brave about it and remember that my emotional reaction of feeling abandoned when he is gone is due to my shitty childhood and nothing else. It isn't based on my current reality or who Ronald is. I'm going to keep pushing through and hopefully not get too scared of the dark at night. I get so spooked a bad guy will come get me or a giant spider. Oi moi...silly me.<br />
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My Cricket pup is very sick. It's so scary and awful. She is the bravest dog, I admire her so much and that may sound silly but she is my soulmate. She fights so hard everyday just like me and even though she had a horrible past she is working through her fears, going to the vet constantly and still staying cheerful. I just adore her and hope so much she will get through this. I can't imagine life without her. My orange squish.<br />
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I'm really in love with our little house right now which is rare for me. I'll post some photos soon of all the pretty things. Planning on getting more roses this Spring and basically all the flowers all over the place. Love getting my hands messy and growing things.<br />
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Hoping for a lovely year for you and me.<br />
<br />
xo, C<br />
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-44306452152206756842016-12-05T13:03:00.003-08:002016-12-05T13:03:56.166-08:00Insta Lady<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9jAzMfOCreOQ3qnedPZ9lNqHojjlyZsdzwLHByGNypUKabEVCjK0qc4emeXjQmMAiqcliLWpqtWXFPZSejapG8FgyDm1H9QKHeEThsUvXfkzdilABbvQ_DTNf7PWNmuGv2tNsG0qrUs8L/s1600/Screen+Shot+2016-12-05+at+12.58.23+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="556" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9jAzMfOCreOQ3qnedPZ9lNqHojjlyZsdzwLHByGNypUKabEVCjK0qc4emeXjQmMAiqcliLWpqtWXFPZSejapG8FgyDm1H9QKHeEThsUvXfkzdilABbvQ_DTNf7PWNmuGv2tNsG0qrUs8L/s640/Screen+Shot+2016-12-05+at+12.58.23+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Hi Loves! </div>
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So I'm still a blogger but less so than an instagramer. I would love for you to follow me so we can connect! My username is garden_bebe (you can find a direct link on the sidebar). I'm so excited to get to know my followers more! I'll still post here too so keep an eye out!</div>
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All the good things to you (especially pizza),</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-44146562203347236552016-11-17T09:54:00.000-08:002016-11-17T09:54:03.827-08:00some random things<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirrb0_yGE4h1K89rq39Iv3Fn39qR2MXhTtS_nU3Wj6bmg0d5IZpWbNT6uU1izOyvPw9RuJzmOlEyjQMv_id-fovSXopEriMWdUqsQ1YxqR9bsNwx6pYN-tweFgjbPTKZO1h9QBmOwc-AAd/s1600/IMG_5681.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirrb0_yGE4h1K89rq39Iv3Fn39qR2MXhTtS_nU3Wj6bmg0d5IZpWbNT6uU1izOyvPw9RuJzmOlEyjQMv_id-fovSXopEriMWdUqsQ1YxqR9bsNwx6pYN-tweFgjbPTKZO1h9QBmOwc-AAd/s640/IMG_5681.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This dog though!</td></tr>
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1.) Instagram says I have used the hashtag #titsfordays. Yeah...not so much.<div>
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2.) I really love intelligent scary movies. Over the weekend we watched a foreign movie called <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/US/movie/id1033875605" target="_blank">Goodnight Mommy</a> about young twin boys whose mom gets plastic surgery and is all bandaged up. The boys start thinking that she isn't really their mom and they torture and kill her. I know that sounds horrible, and it was, and I hate torture and especially movies that depict it, but it was a different take as I don't think the boys understood what they were doing. Anyway, it was freaky and it stuck with me. It's a movie I thought was really well made but I would never recommend it to anyone because it was sort of too much. So now I'm haunted by a movie...</div>
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3.) If you want to get something that will make your house smell amazing, get this <a href="https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/barr-co-room-spray2?category=SEARCHRESULTS&color=010" target="_blank">Barr and Co. room spray</a>. I've never tried the room spray but their candles are amazing. It's a signature scent. Think soap and cream, it's so fantastic and subtle. I have one of their candles lit now, and our living room smells live heaven (even with four dogs!). </div>
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4.) I've been eating a lot of kids cereal. Cocoa Puffs for breakfast and Star Wars cereal for lunch. Over the weekend R and I went to Target and we basically filled our cart with boxes of cereal!</div>
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5.) I've recovered from my agoraphobia due to a new medication! It's so great. I can't wait to dress up and wear makeup (been a month and a half or more since I was dolled up!) I have some fantastic new dresses too. I want to go to my favorite bookstore, have some cocoa, and enjoy this cold weather.</div>
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6.) As you all probably know, our pup Cricket is sick. She has something wrong with her liver and we are still doing tests to see what it is. She is having very few symptoms which may be a good sign. Every day we go to the vet (today 3 appointments!), and it's so stressful, especially for her. She is my survivor and I'm a survivor too. We rely on each other so much. She has helped me through some of my darkest moments. R always tells me that if Cricket can get through all the horrible abuse and fear she has been through, I can get through too. It's so hard seeing her sick and especially not knowing what will happen next. We love her so much and that's all we can do.</div>
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7.) Are you excited for the holidays? R and I are so excited! This Thanksgiving we are on our own and here's our menu: </div>
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smoked pulled pork (Ron spends hours making it and it's fantastic!) on Hawaiian rolls</div>
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garlic potatoes</div>
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roasted cauliflower and broccoli</div>
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sautéed peppers and onions</div>
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Yum! </div>
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I love you. I'm here if you need support, just someone to talk to, or a love note! xoxox</div>
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Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-4112939145952973192016-11-02T11:50:00.001-07:002016-11-02T11:50:14.712-07:00Things I'm loving<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZgfcbkyUdTS6k_hlSxmIx3xj9rZVmbyPMUojGXUqw6wo0nxAkpkQJNblHlSn6sgXpMDgseQhXFvt1CDXIjU8U2xQF_bHTIijM2b-l9Xa_-2SAjMUhnTUEKcpcVFB1INNRRbH2nsGYJ_L/s1600/9e170e8c78841c3d8341686a024b6f26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZgfcbkyUdTS6k_hlSxmIx3xj9rZVmbyPMUojGXUqw6wo0nxAkpkQJNblHlSn6sgXpMDgseQhXFvt1CDXIjU8U2xQF_bHTIijM2b-l9Xa_-2SAjMUhnTUEKcpcVFB1INNRRbH2nsGYJ_L/s640/9e170e8c78841c3d8341686a024b6f26.jpg" width="470" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.designsponge.com/2016/05/statement-pieces-breathe-new-life-into-a-new-jersey-victorian.html" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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I love this room. Kitschy and bohemian!</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKXioLOP1FiKqHTDPjhVPb2psmDGNEumw4ihblqvl4Tr1rzR_vGMSHDDZtUDPnl9amFth_LNwnVJ2MczgteYjuyMWLfjEZ5O6uWmpkwygA2ZMGsC7AIMJ9bGUmvW2VtdxENWgpOdXLyta4/s1600/51d4e0c3996686a1dcd7250579161309.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKXioLOP1FiKqHTDPjhVPb2psmDGNEumw4ihblqvl4Tr1rzR_vGMSHDDZtUDPnl9amFth_LNwnVJ2MczgteYjuyMWLfjEZ5O6uWmpkwygA2ZMGsC7AIMJ9bGUmvW2VtdxENWgpOdXLyta4/s640/51d4e0c3996686a1dcd7250579161309.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.theartfuldesperado.com/chocolate-meringue-cake-with-fresh-berries/" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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This meringue cake looks so good!</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15jYRTEWqcHOeglatgO1EKgMFDFpqBG8bncYAgVPeadY0oIPuMXOXXJpnCQnsQQJV3ftLyrDEMZqrmZi8xNpeY-1nPygDRLD-FuGnWprwRJDhpvj5tyDbQ8nw3fZmMe-1geFBnFL0H8s4/s1600/e2e6ab64adc1fd96444d35ba831d0671.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="594" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15jYRTEWqcHOeglatgO1EKgMFDFpqBG8bncYAgVPeadY0oIPuMXOXXJpnCQnsQQJV3ftLyrDEMZqrmZi8xNpeY-1nPygDRLD-FuGnWprwRJDhpvj5tyDbQ8nw3fZmMe-1geFBnFL0H8s4/s640/e2e6ab64adc1fd96444d35ba831d0671.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dumpaday.com/funny-pictures/funny-pictures-of-the-day-50-pics-25/#55739" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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Truth.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtnYJI_8tf_AlTC-NjGsCiHJup_P-iaqjRfnGIzTWzhPIwOv55WUWFvCSUOwefv7dZt7fV317YB3WZV1v24ycPpvi-JtdX45EVxhyphenhyphenDQcxZWybYV-K5EtaeKiV-35XOgyO6FtZYXxnN5QNg/s1600/d757670cf2962c316f3033dafd1b6239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtnYJI_8tf_AlTC-NjGsCiHJup_P-iaqjRfnGIzTWzhPIwOv55WUWFvCSUOwefv7dZt7fV317YB3WZV1v24ycPpvi-JtdX45EVxhyphenhyphenDQcxZWybYV-K5EtaeKiV-35XOgyO6FtZYXxnN5QNg/s640/d757670cf2962c316f3033dafd1b6239.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/1vqDVKkLxd/" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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I love this tattoo. Want something similar that spreads onto my hands.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggrX6bas2T_DLIE4abM3Cuvnnue0H_Pp_XvKbTlOccDE5udnD6BHr_wdsS9cGb1n6LqyGTzUtZU28wzhahG3LbQKz1eX20lAwMsJWg_Liy70uloTMz9GWE6b_ZZ7lzEBBRZTSJTLugCo57/s1600/9db7e5f2eefb7b65897fa5fde25a02b1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="358" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggrX6bas2T_DLIE4abM3Cuvnnue0H_Pp_XvKbTlOccDE5udnD6BHr_wdsS9cGb1n6LqyGTzUtZU28wzhahG3LbQKz1eX20lAwMsJWg_Liy70uloTMz9GWE6b_ZZ7lzEBBRZTSJTLugCo57/s640/9db7e5f2eefb7b65897fa5fde25a02b1.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/9d/b7/e5/9db7e5f2eefb7b65897fa5fde25a02b1.jpg" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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Another truth bomb for you.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf6L30-1Glmz4vpmcQUlgEZO774-yu_Ly5s5Q7h1J3fGRrezDikacl87qYDHg8ElTeXGskI4dCIcImkFikSzkxmjfzFisCKoLbuxw5fi26pWtcC3O9mvQcpTSpEA_Li8P9gAJDPKeqm-J8/s1600/55cdf73d967dfb3a5015a803e8fba718.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf6L30-1Glmz4vpmcQUlgEZO774-yu_Ly5s5Q7h1J3fGRrezDikacl87qYDHg8ElTeXGskI4dCIcImkFikSzkxmjfzFisCKoLbuxw5fi26pWtcC3O9mvQcpTSpEA_Li8P9gAJDPKeqm-J8/s640/55cdf73d967dfb3a5015a803e8fba718.jpg" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://nekomemo.com/archives/45000496.html" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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Lastly, cute kitty.</div>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-83441814019126210042016-10-27T08:26:00.000-07:002016-10-27T08:26:17.024-07:00Things I do when I'm sick<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUb_E0Ni66kaMSoPC7uOPAyCqH15nSNaD_3rWLxCOS_mtIlIBDK8NXT8jFtdmUVNnBxcI2X8xttFh6d58G9YoyairctUSc-IYdxwnuKEBzUbG6pJn_fcgqx_58Gb8CFbbxqNkUbqsaOYbM/s1600/IMG_4757.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUb_E0Ni66kaMSoPC7uOPAyCqH15nSNaD_3rWLxCOS_mtIlIBDK8NXT8jFtdmUVNnBxcI2X8xttFh6d58G9YoyairctUSc-IYdxwnuKEBzUbG6pJn_fcgqx_58Gb8CFbbxqNkUbqsaOYbM/s640/IMG_4757.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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Little things I do when I'm depressed:</div>
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I don't throw things away because it seems too hard, especially floss (ew).</div>
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I can't leave the house unless R is with me (agoraphobia is the worst), I can hardly go in the backyard by myself!</div>
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I eat a lot of carbs and always have a 10:30 a.m. savory snack.</div>
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I drink a ton of water (this is a new one but a super healthy one!)</div>
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I don't squeegee the shower door. Ever.</div>
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I am religious about taking my meds which makes my doctor happy.</div>
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I don't take many photos. Sad Face.</div>
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I snuggle with my bright hello kitty, princess, or Frozen blanket. These blankets are very important to me. And I want different ones at different ones at different times. Serious business.</div>
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I go to bed at 7 p.m. and fall asleep around 7:30 or 8:00 (sleep is so important when your brain wants to kill you.)</div>
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I don't wear any makeup for weeks at a time. My skin is so much better but I miss makeup.</div>
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I don't wear regular clothes but I keep buying them (and lipstick!)</div>
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When I have nightmares I usually wake up and have a few M&M's and watch Seinfeld.</div>
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When I nap I watch Bob's Burgers.</div>
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I need noise all the time, but music doesn't work so I always have the tv on...so not me normally.</div>
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I wear Pajamas always and have special weekend pjs that I think are cuter but they always consist of sweatpants. </div>
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I adore sweatpants because I'm super short so I don't trip over them, and uhm...they are the comfiest things on earth.</div>
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THE END</div>
<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-15009951936856823702016-10-13T08:22:00.001-07:002016-10-13T08:22:13.223-07:00things I'm loving...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm5Ml-FacyKBQ8EsgeDcQ59zh_Mo-co6CtGVRHlT9PLjoD6vD-j0C2zX0bM-EOiOzrW6IbkXsyy9evvUEgD-uq9z3aUwK7qja566-T_Rt-YmY1Lsep3i7b5TBIqhLwYBNsVSplHzThmhU_/s1600/35eaaec07accbf8a875ed9ec72f39e24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm5Ml-FacyKBQ8EsgeDcQ59zh_Mo-co6CtGVRHlT9PLjoD6vD-j0C2zX0bM-EOiOzrW6IbkXsyy9evvUEgD-uq9z3aUwK7qja566-T_Rt-YmY1Lsep3i7b5TBIqhLwYBNsVSplHzThmhU_/s640/35eaaec07accbf8a875ed9ec72f39e24.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />Love this quote!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMQ_3DJhE-j4xn1hY-T8fx5kTywt9c6tfBkDgWe6doBQBRcxyLIBRr0a5ZooB3xfzSnW2F81OeS1kcCkm_hk5JWDgWXJXo0wGQXJB2195XvzG88PEohBTu4b44qkJ7H4VJKEyWdSM2nXl2/s1600/0042edtext4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMQ_3DJhE-j4xn1hY-T8fx5kTywt9c6tfBkDgWe6doBQBRcxyLIBRr0a5ZooB3xfzSnW2F81OeS1kcCkm_hk5JWDgWXJXo0wGQXJB2195XvzG88PEohBTu4b44qkJ7H4VJKEyWdSM2nXl2/s640/0042edtext4.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://bakingamoment.com/simply-perfect-chocolate-cake/" target="_blank">source</a><br />Thinking of making this cake for Halloween.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQkRE_JpkwO7KFUvEbK5x57XYva1rffVUjhPZ6P2on47Z3KtarLPg3d0ziuwarn6KXotUO5kmbxeLBbFArHEuMUVu_LD36zoihT2jRyhQ89KApkJXPgHVNmmBpqR8ozs4vEfIwfo6dryg/s1600/0644edd2fbcf3cb874fa0a776a7c6e26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQkRE_JpkwO7KFUvEbK5x57XYva1rffVUjhPZ6P2on47Z3KtarLPg3d0ziuwarn6KXotUO5kmbxeLBbFArHEuMUVu_LD36zoihT2jRyhQ89KApkJXPgHVNmmBpqR8ozs4vEfIwfo6dryg/s640/0644edd2fbcf3cb874fa0a776a7c6e26.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.anthropologie.com/new-clothes" target="_blank">source</a><br />These earrings are amazing!</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6Kad6e0-oOV2W_dQhA6NsgleSH7dAZer4hiv_EzCtar-W09cqxiyc4fbXjWPTqw1Gl5SGVLEJn9B_Vhx0ZIzdELK53TZla2MBSomDgQ6TyI9_G7roc40B-kSSXDBsE7EGR-CjkFLhIve9/s1600/ce57f459d22ed95601d852efe5eb7709.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6Kad6e0-oOV2W_dQhA6NsgleSH7dAZer4hiv_EzCtar-W09cqxiyc4fbXjWPTqw1Gl5SGVLEJn9B_Vhx0ZIzdELK53TZla2MBSomDgQ6TyI9_G7roc40B-kSSXDBsE7EGR-CjkFLhIve9/s640/ce57f459d22ed95601d852efe5eb7709.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.curbly.com/users/capreek/posts/16952-eye-candy-22-favorite-pastel-rooms?crlt.pid=camp.hy0oCTXJd1OY" target="_blank">source</a><br />This room is gorgeous! Whimsical and modern at the same time.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhidm_r9P-Kdy5oyPJO8PWIiLWkiQTiyvhD36Aho4LQyriZi-S2Jx9kc-Nxp-XsUWXtAaqkD6LqnIDD1SctAR4rFthicT6lIXxgFJsom86HXHvv07Im3VIr7hth0HL3PLjM9puj81mz5A29/s1600/d8c168dbd296cb86538d63033a1445dc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhidm_r9P-Kdy5oyPJO8PWIiLWkiQTiyvhD36Aho4LQyriZi-S2Jx9kc-Nxp-XsUWXtAaqkD6LqnIDD1SctAR4rFthicT6lIXxgFJsom86HXHvv07Im3VIr7hth0HL3PLjM9puj81mz5A29/s640/d8c168dbd296cb86538d63033a1445dc.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://gardeningliving.org/beautiful-and-simple-magnolia-bouquet/" target="_blank">source</a><br />I adore magnolias. Such a pretty bouquet!</td></tr>
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-49694416843849239962016-09-30T09:09:00.000-07:002016-09-30T09:09:33.762-07:00Things I love about Autumn<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-SDmUxLkCsPEc6LmKnJoJk7myQKir38zzY-Zqvo9iwiF7UcRZA-oyYQn0XS576vL2lvyBpAFyomXJ0kxSz1gdTg2Q2T1cp_tllJDAK8iGW0haAw0IpKrSUkGAhmzQyjWglMWZBJocUCgP/s1600/061a22644007b658d976d89c4c51e884.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-SDmUxLkCsPEc6LmKnJoJk7myQKir38zzY-Zqvo9iwiF7UcRZA-oyYQn0XS576vL2lvyBpAFyomXJ0kxSz1gdTg2Q2T1cp_tllJDAK8iGW0haAw0IpKrSUkGAhmzQyjWglMWZBJocUCgP/s640/061a22644007b658d976d89c4c51e884.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/amytaylor/10334482874/" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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Pulling out the sweaters and boots that have been wrapped up since Spring and planning new cold weather outfits.</div>
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Rain. It's going to rain this weekend and I can't wait!</div>
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Turning leaves in gorgeous colors and crunching them under my feet when they fall. I always find a few beauties to press in my journal.</div>
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I am way more inspired to write in the fall. Summer is a dormant soul-creative time for me, but fall is when I wake up again.</div>
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Instead of iced coffee I can get a hot drink from Starbucks.</div>
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Halloween. The house is already decorated with little pumpkin heads!</div>
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Watching scary movies the whole month of October (love to be a little spooked!).</div>
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Knowing Christmas is around the corner. </div>
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The house being cool and putting extra cozy comforters on the bed.</div>
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Waking up first thing and putting on slippers and my favorite fuzzy cardigan.</div>
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The sun shining at a different angle, creating new shadows and peace for me.</div>
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I get extra romantic in the Fall and want to slow dance with Ronald in our living room.</div>
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The house stays cool when I bake. All Summer it would make the house swelter. Today I'm going to make chocolate fudge cookies.</div>
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Drinking bourbon is all the more satisfying when it's cold out, and Ronald makes some amazing whiskey cocktails with honey and cinnamon sticks.</div>
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Painting my nails black and oxblood. Wearing dark red lipstick, dolling up and feeling sultry.</div>
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Candy corn. Melt-Away Pumpkins.</div>
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Carving pumpkins.</div>
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Making comfort food and finding new cold-weather recipes to try.</div>
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Dressing the pups up on Halloween. We usually have a Batman, and Harry as a taco!</div>
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Going to the craft store and getting so excited about crafts that I never end up doing. </div>
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Wearing my new plaid wool skirt with tall lace up boots.</div>
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Tights from We Love Colors.</div>
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How beautiful nature's decay is and the promise that it will all return anew in the Spring.</div>
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Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-46116664199675809342016-09-28T09:46:00.000-07:002016-09-28T09:46:16.237-07:00Rain pour<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwIt3R3wQD-W13xB1YN3GRg9XIakhWYrGhGcsnaYo90eFWTAbwSqXc3STQ-m08Dr9aNQDGqS59PT7LdnrgLxQa1bGGzASkfICgjFkdKJ6HJuuVT_xRQQ4zyg3Z1xXjbpdyRSVKSl0uB5cp/s1600/image1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwIt3R3wQD-W13xB1YN3GRg9XIakhWYrGhGcsnaYo90eFWTAbwSqXc3STQ-m08Dr9aNQDGqS59PT7LdnrgLxQa1bGGzASkfICgjFkdKJ6HJuuVT_xRQQ4zyg3Z1xXjbpdyRSVKSl0uB5cp/s640/image1.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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"The most I can do is shower." I tell my therapist, sitting on that corner of that brown couch I've known for eight years. We've been through this depression. Years through the burrows and dark-dank caves. He changes my medication. He says we're moving forward, always moving forward, even when my illness isn't responding to shit. It's a stubborn depression, they call it treatment resistant. I call it hell.<br />
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I wasn't depressed for awhile. After ten years of being depressed, suicidal, paranoid-anxious constantly. When it lifted, it was amazing. Then this year came around like a slick sailor (the month of March to be specific) and took me back under. I've been depressed ever since. Face in the mud, sucking in shreds of air through worm carcasses and pebbles.<br />
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It's slimy down here. It's real dark. No one is here but me. I'm in a filmy membrane and the world is outside, moving and chugga-chugga-choo-choo. I can't function. I'm no train. I am bedridden. Our couch turned into a second bed so I can change my view. Agoraphobia is finally here. I can't leave the house unless R is with me. I can't sleep, but I do but I don't feel it just like in The Bell Jar.<br />
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I'm a nightmare fighter and we have plans. This new medication, my doctor says, "give it some time.". I'm giving it time and the time is unbearable because I want to die and my brain won't think of anything but darkness. Then if this doesn't work we have Lithium to go to (again). I hate that drug, it gave me the shakes, I have to get lab needles stuck in my wobbly veins, people ask what's wrong with me when they see me tremble and I don't want to tell them "I'm on a medication that is keeping me from killing myself." so I don't.<br />
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The next option is ECT. Yeah, that shocky thing. The thing Sylvia Plath got that didn't save her. Her tender temples, her brain scattered. I know it's different now but she is my baby and I live in her life and she in mine. I don't want to end up head-in-the-oven. If you want to know what depression is like, read her journals, it's all you ever need to know of the pain, and I hope you never experience this labyrinth of hell.<br />
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ECT is so much more effective and safer now. A small electrical pulse gives you a seizure and you are asleep and don't feel a thing. Doctors don't even know how it works, but it does so they use it. The only thing that shakes is your foot just a bit so they know when the seizure has ended, none of the out of control seizing with bruises and broken arms like in the past. ECT is extremely safe. It can even be done during pregnancy.<br />
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The thing is...stigma. If I get ECT I think "That does it. I am really crazy.". Even in the mental illness community being on meds means you are weak, therapy is "oh good girl, get that help", but meds are a crutch, try the green smoothie and exercise instead. And I am on so many meds. And I know it is bullshit. If I had cancer (and depression can be as deadly) no one would doubt me taking meds, actually they write articles in Time Magazine about cancer patients who don't, because it is so unbelievable. That's how normal it is. No one would doubt chemo. But ECT. A potentially life-saving treatment, "well fuck it all you are <i>crazy</i>!" You are Sylvia, and ice baths, and ready to be handed over to an institution. Stigma makes me angry. And I care what people think.<br />
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I wanted to talk about this because maybe it will help someone reading to know they aren't alone. I'm going through the same things and I don't know if I'll get through. I can't give up though and if ECT helps then I'll do it. Stigma hurts. Depression hurts. But fuck it, I'm not letting it kill me.<br />
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-66648704135408058002016-09-22T07:37:00.001-07:002016-09-22T07:37:36.808-07:00The Monterey Bay MysteryWe left the hotel without brushing our teeth. I was still in my pajamas, sobbing and breaking down. We threw all our clothes in the suitcase and headed home. We had plans for our last day of vacation in Monterey but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at the beach for one more second. It hurt too much.<div>
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Just a few weeks before our trip, we had decided to move to Pacific Grove, the lovely slow beach town next to Monterey. We had been dreaming of moving there for years. I was scouring houses online, we figured the commute would be tough for Ronald, but doable. The ocean has always been my lifeblood and so it would be worth it. All the time we would spend apart, Ronald in the car and me on the beach, seemed manageable. </div>
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We were so excited when we left the house for our overnight stay. We knew what neighborhoods we wanted to drive through and all the places to explore. We had already spent time on Yelp, planning what Starbucks and restaurants we would go to when we lived there. We looked into the school districts and crime statistics. The drive was the only struggle, but we could do it, or so we thought.</div>
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By the time we arrived at our hotel, I knew we couldn't do it. My gut and heart told me it was too much. That night in a dark-lit restaurant we talked about it and decided the move was a no-go. Too much time apart. I actually felt relieved. I can't believe I felt relieved.</div>
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The next morning we snuck a glass bottle of champagne onto the beach and had mimosas in the cool morning with the waves swaying. My heart broke. We went back to our room and I started to cry. I told Ronald I had to go home, right now. I had to go home. I couldn't bear it for one more moment. We rushed out and headed home and I cried for hours. </div>
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I'm totally devastated. We may move there one day, but not now and it feels like another dream I thought would work out didn't. I'm shattered. I've had too many of these moments for one lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if my life is just about loss. Then I see Ronald and I know I have one good thing to lean on. One promise. Those pups are pretty good too.</div>
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Now we are regrouping and resting through the holidays. Perhaps next year we will sell our house (which I have hated for years even with all the renovations and design projects), and start something new. For now I'll cry.</div>
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Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4932094340622705390.post-9959438891162178572016-08-05T13:07:00.000-07:002016-08-05T13:07:19.042-07:00once I was a bookworm<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgj-WUQ1Lnv347YguM_CMnpfPMrh9jMrOQvv14uRuAkWlSMr-WAkSCc-bes7bFEdiYSAEyq7b7RPOF50LJQiRjUWHmtE4Lq7m7ztAJ_0KXwEhxgWBK5ZugMmfs8djcYo4gQ3ZeKZSF1DJ/s1600/IMG_5329.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgj-WUQ1Lnv347YguM_CMnpfPMrh9jMrOQvv14uRuAkWlSMr-WAkSCc-bes7bFEdiYSAEyq7b7RPOF50LJQiRjUWHmtE4Lq7m7ztAJ_0KXwEhxgWBK5ZugMmfs8djcYo4gQ3ZeKZSF1DJ/s400/IMG_5329.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It's been a long time.<br />
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I don't really know how I feel about blogging anymore. But I'm here writing a post now, so let's just take it one day at a time...<br />
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I sleep less and feel more. I need to start writing again. I need to pick a novel off the bookshelf and get reading. No novel sounds good, unless it's about Paris, but that hurts too. I don't really think about that as much anymore but it still hurts. And you have no idea what I'm talking about...Paris, of course! Croissants, and la vie est belle, and I need it.<br />
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I'm thinking about reading In Search of Lost Time by Proust but it's so big and scary I doubt whether my noggin' can handle it. I can try though. I used to read complicated books but since depression has taken over my life reading gets complicated. I miss my old bookworm ways, like <i>a lot</i>. When I read I worry about panic attacks, and all the anxiety comes in and it's real scary. I still love reading though, and usually it goes fine, so I can't give up.<br />
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I have to stop thinking about sad things and everything bad that could happen. But that's a big wish with an anxiety disorder and depression. This morning I woke up almost ok with being alive...almost. That's, as Donald Trump would say "biggly".<br />
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xo, C<br />
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<br />Garden Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07354707840226473223noreply@blogger.com0