brightness/lightness

Morning Loves!

I've been feeling sort of bright mood wise the last two days. The good feelings don't last all day, but that they are lasting even a moment is a huge improvement. I think it may be the new medication I am on so that's good.

Yesterday I took myself on a date. I dressed up and spent the entire day out. By the end of the day I was pretty tired, but it was still a good day. I've been feeling like a loner so much lately, not sure why, but I'm ok with it. I definitely know that I recharge when I am alone so maybe that is the reason.

As you can see, the house is full of flowers. I love seeing their moppy-glow everywhere I look.

I'm trying to start journaling and creating things again. I've been avoiding it all lately because I've been so overwhelmed and down. I hope I can get into some type of creative routine that I can work on even when I am depressed. We'll see how it works.

It's been a long time since I've felt even a tiny bit okay (since August of last year). So I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Love, C

thirty-three

Birthday boss

It's this boys birthday. He is 33 and just wonderful. I seriously don't think I would be here if it wasn't for him. He keeps me going and always makes me smile. 

I love that he wants to always improve as a person. He is such an intellectual that I can hardly keep up at times and he always is learning something new. 

He thinks I'm cute and funny. He doesn't get tired of me even when I am full of self-doubt, he just reassures me. He is silly and smart, and sometimes moody, but always mine and loving.

I love him so much and am so excited for what year 33 holds for us.

xx, C

Saturday

Morning Loves!

I was going to post these pictures of my afternoon tea-time yesterday afternoon but I ended up falling asleep on the couch! I've been a tired little bean these days, and super stressed. I also have completely lost my appetite. The self-conscious part of me is super happy about this because I will lose weight faster, but the healthy part of me realizes how unhealthy it is to have only 300 calories while running errands all day. I've been forcing myself to meet my calorie count every day still. It's not fun and I feel like I'm not getting all my nutrients.

Ronald is working today. I'm going to go to the farmer's market and to Home Depot to look at some paint samples. I decided yesterday to repaint the living room. I love the charcoal color it is currently but I find that it absorbs all the light in the room and that makes me depressed. We are planning on getting new furniture for the room soon so I want to choose the new paint color first. We'll see what I come up with.

It's a bright morning and I am looking forward to the farmer's market. I can't wait to pick out some flowers and goodies.

xx, C

no idea for a subject

It's been a rough few days. On Monday I was ready to start a new week and to get back on my feet in spite of my depression. I felt less depressed as I wrote out lists of the things I was going to try to accomplish. I also wrote a grocery list and headed to Trader Joe's for fresh flowers and produce. On the drive home I started feeling sick. I was suddenly faint and weak all over. I thought I was overheating as it was 90 degrees out. As soon as I got home I sat down with some water and cooled down. 

Around the afternoon I wasn't feeling faint but I was still feeling weak. I stuttered through a few chores and getting dinner ready with Ronald. By the time we were done with dinner I was in horrible pain. My shoulders and neck were so tense and getting tenser whenever I moved. I tried to sit still and wait it out. Then it hit me, I was having another fibromyalgia flare up.

My last flare up was at the beginning of May. Tuesday I spent the day in bed. I got up a few times to stretch and I whimpered through a shower. I feel like my bones and muscles are fusing together in my neck and shoulders. It is such an extreme and horrible pain. It is pretty much constant too. I can find a position that relieves some of the tension for maybe a few seconds but overall it is non-stop.

I realize I have totally underestimated how much fibromyalgia is going to fuck with my life. I have to slow down even more than I already have. I am a doer, I don't like to sit still. Especially with my anxiety and stress, I try to do things to keep my mind off everything going on in my noggin. I can't do that anymore. I can't work through the pain. I can't live the way I have been living.

This morning I am sitting at the dining room table in a hoodie and with a blanket around my legs. Sitting in a chair is a big deal. I hurt so much still but I'm trying to stretch out. My depression has rebounded due to my realization of how much fibromyalgia can and will devastate my life. I have things I want to do, but I can't do them.

Sitting or laying around with my mind spinning in circles is one of my worst nightmares, and that's what has been happening.

I have been thinking about what I would be doing if I didn't have depression and fibromyalgia. I think I would be a florist. There is a little florist shop in the town next to us, it is so cute, probably 500 square feet or less, and vacant. I want that to be my shop so bad, one of my biggest dreams beside being a mom. 

If that wasn't going to happen, I would work for a non-profit. I wish so much I could do things. Even little things like cooking sound amazing. But right now I can't do any of it. I just try to wait it out. My lifestyle has to really change in order to reduce these flare-ups. I'm trying to figure out how that is going to work. 

Anyway, I'm still going to try, and I'm still going to fight. 

Love, C