Morning. Health. Work

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This is one of the last mornings I will have to myself since I am starting my job next week. Well, I will have every other Tuesday to myself once I'm working...so that's nice. I work and feel best in the morning. I never thought I would be a morning person, but here I am waking at 5:30 and feeling energetic and cheery. Weird what happens when you get older...

So today I am going to enjoy the little things. I'm headed to the bookstore which is seriously one of my favorite comfort spots. I'll get some espresso and wander around. Then I might go to a craft store and a discount store where I'm looking for some pretty canisters for healthy foods. 

In other news, I got a Fitbit and it should be delivered today. I found out I have PCOS which basically means I'm not ovulating. It also makes you gain weight and makes it very hard to lose weight. Along with the anti-depressants I'm on all this weight gain makes a lot of sense. I am going to really work on the way I eat and being more active. Even though I've been eating a lot better this year I still haven't lost weight, so it's going to be a challenge. I mainly want to feel strong. I want to feel like I can run, dance, jump around. I'm all for body positivity and I feel like a badass at the size I am and probably wouldn't try to lose weight if it wasn't for my health issues, I am a fan of being as healthy as possible, so this is happening. Oh god, I kind of just want pizza right now. Wink...wink. ;)

I am super shy about the job. I really doubt my competence in basic things. My brain thinks I can do it and will do fine, but my emotions and anxiety are bubbling with self-doubt. I know this is a huge step for me as I am facing a lot of my fears. I'm also excited about what I will be doing and think I'll enjoy it. So yes, wish me luck! Oh and I get to doll up for work twice a week which sounds exciting. I really want to channel the fashion from Mad Men!

xo, C

Therapy: good and horrible

I go to therapy twice a week. Monday and Thursday. It's a lot of work and I am emotionally drained after and spend the rest of the day napping and doing self-care. So it's basically like two days a week are consumed by my mental health and trying to get better, this is both good and bad. It's good because it works-- I have made so much progress! It's hard because I have less days in the week, it is emotionally exhausting, and it's difficult to be vulnerable.

Therapy is the process of digging out. My therapist says it's like taking all the bits of yourself; your history, your emotions, your issues, and setting them out on a table, then I get to decide which pieces I want in my life, everything I don't want I can let go of. I really like that analogy and it is so true! 

I think the most important thing with therapy is being committed to the process and not giving up. I have been in therapy for eight years and I am just now getting to the good part, the part where everything is on the table. It isn't an easy thing, it isn't magic. My case is kind of weird and rare. My depression didn't respond to treatment for a long time, most people don't have to be in therapy for as long as I have. The other thing is I have to be vulnerable. If I'm not open and just pretending it's not going to help as much as it can. I also have to take the things I learn in my sessions and actually implement them. It's easy to learn and talk about a thought pattern I should change, or a new thing I should do but it's much harder to actually do it every day.

I have learned so much about myself, so much about life and relationships. I realize too that it isn't only helping me, it's helping me help others because I have more of an understanding of humanity and how our minds/emotions work. I'm hoping when I get more on my feet that I can help others with depression. 

If you are thinking about going to therapy, don't hesitate. I was so scared to go but it really isn't as scary as it seems. Remember there is no commitment, you can just go to one session and see how it goes, then go from there. Therapists have so much knowledge and we should take advantage of it. I know there is a lot of shame around seeking help, like it is a weakness because we can't figure things out ourselves. That is kind of silly but I used to feel the same way. Do we think it is a weakness to see a doctor for a cold? Or to go to school to learn something new? That is really all therapy is, getting help and advice from someone who knows more than you do. So if you need some life advice, or to work through some emotional issues, reach out to someone!

I am also always here to talk. You can find my email in the contact me section!

xo, C

stressful things

It's a big week. Today we go in for a fertility appointment. Things aren't looking good. I have a double uterus and that means any pregnancy would be pretty high risk. We are getting some tests back to get more information. I'm already heartbroken about the double uterus. I know it is a birth defect and something that just happens, but there is definitely a shame around it, definitely another area where I feel like I am made wrong. 

Next we have the housecleaners coming on Tuesday. Which may seem awesome and innocuous, but for me it's just about sheer terror. I am so anxious having people I don't know in my house. It's a struggle every time they come. But the pay off is great, clean bathrooms are underrated. 

Then Wednesday I meet a new potential friend for the first time. This is scary as I am a hermit and freak out when I first meet people. I also feel like if we don't click I am going to blame myself and feel rejected and messed up, even though that is bullshit. My brain thinks a lot of bullshit things because a. I have depression, b. I have an anxiety disorder, and c. I have very low self-esteem. Thankfully I'm working on all of these things and hoping one day they will have less of an influence on my daily life.

So let's just say I am going to be a mess. Usually one stressful event a week is all I can take, but this week I have three. Life's a big scary thing sometimes and I can't keep putting off living because I'm afraid. I'm done living in fear. So here I go...wish me luck!

xo, C

simple living

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So this morning I took about half the clothes out of my closet. Mostly bulky sweaters and things that aren't my style anymore. I also put all the skirts together, shirts, etc. Of course, for now, there is a huge stack of clothes in the hallway waiting to be put into storage, but it still feels great!

Last week I went through my jewelry and shoes. We set up a shelf in our room specifically for them. I ordered some vintage canisters off Etsy as well as a Paris tin that I just couldn't pass up, so I can have some pretty ways to organize. I'm excited to have all my clothes and jewelry in one space.

For awhile I did the whole dressing room thing, but to be honest, it was overwhelming to me. So the dressing room is going to be set up more for crafting and other projects.

Since I'm going to start working (doing marketing for our family business), I want it to be easy to get ready every day. I'm only working part time because two days a week I have therapy and I'm so drained after those 50 minute sessions that I need to take the day to recuperate. I still have a lot of depression and health issues to work through so my self-care is a priority and takes up most of my time. I'm hoping to increase my hours at some point, but for now this works.

I am trying to simplify my vision for my life. Here are a few things I know I want:

To have a job I am passionate about
To write, read, and craft in my spare time
To have a group of close friends that I spend time with weekly
To garden and have a greenhouse. I love growing my own food and propagating plants!
To always have time for Ronald. To travel a lot. To live simply with less. To cook.
To be accepting of myself and loving and supportive to those around me

I am going to write this list out and hang it somewhere to help me stay focused. I feel like I have so much potential right now. Even though I'm in a rough patch, things are changing fast and improving overall, which is exciting and new.

Oh, and this weekend we are going bourbon tasting and to the beach where we got engaged. I'm thrilled!

xo, C