life collection

We set up my garden last weekend and I love it! I also got my first rose bush which for some reason makes me feel really grown up.

We have tomatoes, strawberries, bush beans, carrots, corn, green onion, squash, cucumber, peppers, and a selection of herbs. Our squirrel (or our one orange pup) has already stolen some veggies...we aren't sure the exact culprit. This weekend we are getting a little white fence to put around the beds to keep that orange pup out, at least!

I feel so calm in the garden. I sit on our swing in the heat of the lush Spring day and sway back and forth staring at the goodness before me. Dreaming of making cocktails with our lemons and herbs, and cooking with the veggies. It's magic to grow something.

Amelia gets very busy in the garden. She eats the dropped seeds from the bird feeder, and wanders across the old red deck, nose to the floor, sniffing and hunting for anything interesting or edible. She loves it. The pups love Spring as it means the door is left open and plenty of outdoor mischief.

R has taken the week off work. Even with the week off, we have been busy doing this and that, and helping me through some intense anxiety and down spells. Today we are headed to the zoo and I can't wait! Then the beach this weekend...the best place on earth.

xo, C

  


A lot has changed in the last few months. I am on a new anti-depressant that seems to really help me have energy and a pinch of hope at times. I'm also off an anti-depressant that my doctor has tried to ween me off of for years. It usually resulted in me becoming actively suicidal so he would decide to put me back on it. This time I was able to ride out the crazy mood swings that lasted over a month, and I am feeling a lot less tired and more alive.

It's great knowing we are making progress in my health, but I also know I have to make progress on my own.

I've spent a lot of time alone this year. I rarely see anyone other than R (of course) and my therapist. I just got to a point where seeing people was too much. I wasn't myself around them, I would get so emotionally drained I would end up having a panic attack on the drive home, even if the visit was happy and light. So I let myself be ok with isolating. Usually I would panic when I didn't want to see people, knowing it was my depression taking a bigger foothold in my life. But this time, I knew it was my choice to take some time off, I knew it was for a reason, even if that reason wasn't clear at first.

These last six months have taught me that it's ok to be lonely. I am a lonely person. I think my childhood was so lonely and it was so ingrained in me that I may never not feel lonely. I don't say this in a defeatist way, but in an attempt to accept it and to recognize that even if I feel lonely, it doesn't mean I am alone.

The biggest thing I have learned is how to keep myself company. For the most part I really dislike myself, and in the past when I was alone, or facing my thoughts and feelings, I would run. I would get out of the house, I would go see someone, I would sleep. I did this for years, maybe my whole life. It got so bad that any time I was home alone and not sleeping or with Ron, I would get suicidal. It was terrifying and I thought there was no solution.

Then I don't know how or when exactly, but I just faced it. I forced myself to stay home, to not take a nap, to not tune out. One of the things that gets me through the most is talking to myself. I actually talk to the dogs, but in reality I'm talking to myself. I talk through everything I am doing, I talk to the dogs as if they were my kids. I don't really care if it seems strange, because it has made me see how I am ok on my own.

I also decided to treat the dogs as if they were my kids in my actions. I don't want to treat them just like dogs, I don't want to get frustrated with them. They are animals and they don't know what I want, I need to realize that and treat them as such. In this way I also learned how to have compassion for myself.

I started reading books on dogs and their behavior, not training books, just interesting books. I also make them treats, interact with them constantly, and rarely raise my voice. I've learned ways to get their attention without yelling. I've learned how to work with Cricket (who was abused during her puppy months before we adopted her) in a way that works for us both. In all these things I have drawn parallels to my own life. I have learned to not yell at my inner self, to not be frustrated with the thoughts I have, to realized how my past has affected me, and much like Cricket, I have a lot of fear that influences my behavior and must be overcome.

My dogs have made me choose to not kill myself many times. They know when I'm low, they know when I am going to self-harm, they know when I'm having a panic attack. They come over for a snuggle and Amelia looks at me with her dow eyes, and I choose to stay. And now they aren't just saving me in the worst moments, but they are changing my life for the better all the time. Teaching me how to care for myself through caring for them (plus they get spoiled so it's a bonus!). I am so lucky to have them, I can't say it enough.

The girls (as we call them) are currently outside with me rummaging under the deck, racing through the dirt, and barking at nothing. It's a good morning. I seriously adore them. Our wild bunch of barkers and snugglers, our jumpers and foodies, our shedders and mess makers. They are the best.

xoxox, C

2. Cricket! Last night she fell off the couch and started growling as if she was being attacked and pushed off. She fell on a pillow,  it was so hilarious!

Also, she LOVES getting her picture taken! Whenever I have my camera out, she rushes up and sits in front of me. She always is so proud of herself when she sits (first thing we taught her). I think she considers herself a superhero...she is awesome.




3. This mini bird house my nephews Liam and Sam painted for me. I love it so much and am going to hang it on a wall in my art space. They live in Colorado with my niece and brother and sister-in-law. I miss them lots!


4. Peonies are in full force right now. I bought so many at the market and am so in love. They smell like heaven and are exactly what I need on a bad day.


5. I finally ordered business cards. I am going to actually start building my career as an artist. Here's to hope and courage.


6. Oh, and I got this bad-ass letterhead. For "Dear Editor, please publish my poem" type notes.


7. My adorable nephew Jonas (JoJo) said "I love you Auntie C!" to my sister this week. This is the first time he said I love you on his own without responding to someone saying it to him. I'm his Auntie C, so this made me incredibly happy and melty!



8. Three day weekend with my doll-face, who just had a birthday (will share pictures soon!). We are going to do some home projects and have a bbq with my in-laws. Fun and fun.

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So yeah. Life is life. And it's both shitty and good. I get scared and am sick, but then ok. I hate being sick, and I so want to live my life. A full life. A Catherine life. I hope it works. I hope I can do it.

So it's this little Isabelle's birthday today! She is seven and spunky as a puppy. I have no idea how a pup can get any cuter. She is 15 pounds of moody-adorable-barky wonder. She has a sort of out of control obsession with hedgehog toys* and crunched up water bottles. She can also snore like no one else, it seriously wakes me up in the night! She has a ton of funny nicknames and thinks she can chase and destroy deer, wild turkeys, and the mailman.

I adore this girl and am so happy she is ours. We are out of town so will have to celebrate next week.

Happy birthday Shmoehawk! I love you!

*I can neither confirm or deny that I have fueled this obsession by buying her every hedgehog toy I can find. I even know the stores that have her favorites. Yeah..I am definitely an enabler.

Cutest pencil pouch ever! Get a set here.

Hello Doves.