peony love

FYI: the blog has been taken over by peony updates...

The peonies around the house are finally taking their last breath. Since I am so in love with them my heart is a little pained to see them go, at least I can always buy more (which I may just do today).

It's morning. I'm listening to Julia Stone after another rough night of sleep. Not sleeping well wouldn't be so bad if I didn't take three different pills every night to help me rest. But I will remind myself over and over and over that it is ok and everything will be ok.

I feel like my life is falling apart even though it isn't. I seem to only be falling apart internally, but this translates to the idea that everything is falling apart. My cheap mud-brick heart is starting to give way to the possibility that things just won't turn out right or be easy and carefree. I guess I should know that by now. But no matter how much life whispers in my ear that this is my life--its good and yet the hardest thing I will ever face, I still expect ease and goodness and experience intense disappointment when things go wrong.

I can't put into words how much I fight to live each day. To pin a smile on this wan face, to shower, to walk around and make breakfast in the morning. I can only say: it is so hard. The most challenging thing I have ever done, yet it's the only thing I have left to hold onto--this hard-shelled, predominantly bitter-blather life.

So here we go, another day, another click of the calendar and the clock. And I just want to ask, how do you all do it? But then I remember I have depression and find strange comfort in having a title for my broken down life.

x, C

1 comment:

  1. Keep your head up girly! Oh and I love those peonies! One of my favorite flowers!

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