life collection

2. Cricket! Last night she fell off the couch and started growling as if she was being attacked and pushed off. She fell on a pillow,  it was so hilarious!

Also, she LOVES getting her picture taken! Whenever I have my camera out, she rushes up and sits in front of me. She always is so proud of herself when she sits (first thing we taught her). I think she considers herself a superhero...she is awesome.




3. This mini bird house my nephews Liam and Sam painted for me. I love it so much and am going to hang it on a wall in my art space. They live in Colorado with my niece and brother and sister-in-law. I miss them lots!


4. Peonies are in full force right now. I bought so many at the market and am so in love. They smell like heaven and are exactly what I need on a bad day.


5. I finally ordered business cards. I am going to actually start building my career as an artist. Here's to hope and courage.


6. Oh, and I got this bad-ass letterhead. For "Dear Editor, please publish my poem" type notes.


7. My adorable nephew Jonas (JoJo) said "I love you Auntie C!" to my sister this week. This is the first time he said I love you on his own without responding to someone saying it to him. I'm his Auntie C, so this made me incredibly happy and melty!



8. Three day weekend with my doll-face, who just had a birthday (will share pictures soon!). We are going to do some home projects and have a bbq with my in-laws. Fun and fun.

---

So yeah. Life is life. And it's both shitty and good. I get scared and am sick, but then ok. I hate being sick, and I so want to live my life. A full life. A Catherine life. I hope it works. I hope I can do it.

It's weird how when I find my strength my monsters soon take me over and bring me down farther and farther. I have been getting more confident in myself and being true, this has been good yet such a goddamned curse. I tumble between believing in myself and then total desperation and wanting to kill myself so bad. I vacillate between these two extremes basically every day.

Yesterday it got really bad. I had therapy and it was rough, but in that good way where I learn something and end up growing. Then by the evening I was thinking about having Ronald take me to the nearest ER. I was desperate to die. I wanted to just cease. It seemed like the perfect answer to all the shit my life has been filled with. I looked up the hospital to see what the psyche ward would be like, to see what I could bring (if anything ). I couldn't find any info. Then R and I went for a drive and I balanced out a pinch.

I'm still teetering on the edge. Ronald is going to be with me today and all weekend. We'll see how things go after that. I just have to take one moment at a time. I am trying to get re-attached to life. I have lost most of my passion for blogging. I have lost most of my connections to friends. I'm so lonely, I start mouthing words and talking to myself while I'm out, then I notice people looking at me, Yeah, I'm the crazy. Holy shit! I'm the crazy.

I bought a journal and spent the morning at Starbucks with Ronald decorating the first page. I haven't journaled in ages. I have to keep attaching, otherwise I will be gone soon. I sort of laugh about how I can't catch a break in life, but then I realize it's really not funny at all.

So I'm writing this because I have to chart it. Acknowledge it. And then I hope get past it.

xx, C

Hello Dears,

Things have been rough going this week. I'm tired and feel like shit every day. Sometimes I don't know how I get through it. I've been getting through it for years, and since chronic pain joined the party last year, it's become even worse. I seriously feel like a giant boo-boo each day.

I can't get a restful nights sleep for the life of me. I am so stressed and anxious. I don't want to sit still because then I think about how horrible I'm feeling internally, so I keep moving and then end up paying for it physically. It all feels like too much.

I seriously have been trying to figure out how I can get more constant care, I mean like a nanny type of care. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous but I really wish there was a way to get more support on a day to day basis. I have been trying to think of ways Ronald could work from home full-time, so he can help me, but then I remember he will be working from home so it wouldn't be all that helpful.

The other thing I have been thinking about is how nice it would be to have my friends live close by and be able to get together a few times a week during the day. It would be nice to talk to someone and have company more often. The main problem with this is I get anti-social so often and mostly want to hide out and be alone.

Anyway. I am going to get off my ass early this morning and organize my closet. It has been probably 6 months or more since I've cleaned it out. Almost all my clothes are on the floor and my shoes are thrown everywhere. Not fun. So here goes...

Love, C

In the midst of a fibromyalgia flare up. It's really not fun. Especially because I don't have a primary care doctor, or rheumatologist that gives a shit or has any interest in treating my fibromyalgia. So I can't contact any dr. to get help during a flare up. I have been put on a basic pain medication and that's it. Luckily, my psychiatrist is awesome and has put me on Lyrica which has helped my pain a lot.

I am actually going outside my insurance coverage for care after trying over three doctors for treatment of my fibromyalgia on my current insurance. The thing is, it is really hard to get an appointment with a good doctor. I made an appointment to see a rheumatologist in the beginning of July and my appointment isn't until September 26th! I've called some other doctors and they aren't accepting new patients. I really just don't know what else to do. I can't believe it is this difficult to get proper care of a chronic pain condition, it's crazy!

I still haven't come to terms with having fibro. I want to pretend I don't have it. I push myself way (way) too hard. I do things no matter how much pain I am in because I know they need to get done. I don't like having limits. I don't like asking for help, or being able to not do something, so I push so damn hard and I end up paying for it later. I seriously won't stop doing things until I physically can't do them, and even then I still do too much.

I currently can't do much of anything. It sucks so much. I am so frustrated and sad. So the kitchen is a mess and the entire house is cluttered. I can hardly shower and we don't have a bathtub that works well enough to use on my own. On top of it all, I have prescriptions to fill, appointments to go to, calls to make, and grocery shopping. How do people do this? I seriously need a nanny.

Love, C

It's really hard to sit here and write a post. I am trying to get back to my normal routine as much as I can even though I am at one of the worst points of my life. Seriously darlings, it's excruciating. Last week we upped one of my anti-depressants, and yesterday I was put on a stimulant medication that will hopefully propel me out of this darkness.

The stimulant makes me feel really nauseas, like I think I will lose my record of not throwing up for a few years kind of nauseas. But hey, if it helps me feel like I want to live just for a minute I will gladly puke.

In therapy we talked about how I need to mourn the fact that I had a bad childhood. When it hit me that I can't change the past, I totally lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Only for a minute because you know, I'm that gal who holds it all in until I'm suicidal.

Then we talked about how I need to be the tough girl I actually am. I hide myself so much. I hide behind meekness, shyness, and being overly kind. The thing is I am kind of a bitch. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, or that I am not a good or kind person at heart. But for reals, I give people a pass so much of the time it makes me feel sick. I take on the blame and guilt of other peoples actions. I let other people control my life and make me feel stupid, incapable, and unworthy. I take being ignored, being second place, being an afterthought. I'm sick of doing that. So sick, that i'd rather kill myself than take it any longer.

The reason I haven't started being myself is that I have a huge fucking fear of abandonment. I feel like if I am left on my own I will die. So how do I guarantee not being abandoned? I just give into every single stinking person in my life. I'm so tired of doing this, it's killing me. And yet I can't bring myself to be honest and say what I want. I struggle with it so much that when I try to be myself even in a small way I stumble over my words and even lose my voice, I have panic attacks, and then when I end up saying it I sugar-coat it so much that it ends up falling flat.

If the people around me knew what I really want, who I am, all that shit, I think they will seriously freak out. Oi moi, just thinking about it makes me feel anxious as hell.

Anyway. I'm going to try because what's there to lose? I'm going to either be abandoned and supposedly die, or I'm going to kill myself. At least with the abandonment there is a chance I might end up living after all.

Good luck to me, and all those clever statements that really don't mean anything.

C

p.s. I did my hair today and took a shower before 5 p.m.! I tried putting my hair in a top-knot. I don't know about it and think I need longer hair, but it's something.

brave face #1

brave face #2

brave face#3

brave face #4

brave face #5

brave face #6

brave face #7

Hi Loves,

Life has slid back down to dark pretty quickly. It seems like I had some ok days last week and then Friday it all collapsed in an instant. I don't want to go into details, but it was really bad. I have depression as well as borderline personality disorder, and both have been really intense lately which means I am fighting on two fronts. There isn't a word to describe how exhausted I am.

This post from Jes of The Militant Baker (one of my favorite bloggers by the way) has reminded me about my issues with BPD and has put many of my behaviors in perspective. It was so weird to wake up and read something that was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me feel a lot less "crazy".

I'm trying so hard to keep going, and I'm not going to stop. Even though dealing with it is the worst thing ever. Lately I have struggled a lot with the idea that I am not good at anything. That I have no skills. It's weird how a single thought can get drilled into your brain and play over and over, like a bell ringing non-stop. The thing is, I am not lucky enough to have just one thought drilled in this old brain of mine, I have dozens. My brain looks like swiss cheese with all the drill holes. The thoughts ring and boom, and crash and cry out to me. They tell me to kill myself, that I am ugly, fat (and that is a bad thing), a horrible sinner bound for hell, inhuman, flawed, a bad wife, a bad friend, a lazy bitch.

I'm sick of hearing these things over and over and over and over. I want to stab and kill each thought individually, I want to make them pay. I want to beat the shit out of them.

So here's to trying, here's to another day on earth--rotten thoughts and all.

xx, C

p.s. - I am getting a ukelele in the near future. Can't wait!

Hello Friends,

I wanted to do a weekly wrap up post but nothing came to mind. I can hardly remember what happened an hour ago these days, let alone what happened during the week! Instead I will tell the truth about something that I have only recently realized myself.

I talk to myself obsessively. Any time I am alone I have to talk to myself. I think when this first started it was a healthy coping mechanism. I was giving myself positive self-talk, I was telling myself things like "It will be okay.", "Just take a deep breath.", "You are not a bad person and don't need to feel guilty.", etc. Over the last few months though, it has become compulsive. I have to say it, I don't feel safe unless I say it out loud. And I don't say the positive things much any more. I do occasionally but for the most part I am repeating words or phrases that are anxious and fearful.

I say things like "I can't, I can't, I can't" over and over. Other times I say "No! No! No!" or "Stop!". I also say "It's ok. It's ok." and "I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.". I think I'm going crazy most of the time because it doesn't really stop.

This is one reason I go out all the time. If I am alone for a day I will be out in public for most of it because then the thoughts are mainly occurring in my head instead of out loud, but then when I get in the car they come back even stronger and I talk to myself all the way home. I haven't even told my therapist that it is this bad. I didn't even recognize it myself until yesterday.

I am alone a lot. I like being alone much of the time. But I do deal with bouts of extreme loneliness. I've dealt with those feelings my whole life. I think now the stresses in my life, mixed with my depression, chronic illness, and sense of loneliness have sort of exploded into this OCD pattern.

I'm so exhausted guys, like seriously. I feel like I can't stop or settle no matter what. I have to keep going, keep thinking, keep racing, and I don't know how to stop it. It's so hard to write this out. I am having shortness of breath due to the anxiety I feel and I want to delete this damn post.

I'm worried you will think I'm weird, or crazy. But I'm not going to delete this, because I need my story to be written out.

I'm sad right now. Life is so hard sometimes/all the time. I'm hoping it will be okay one day. Please be okay one day.

Love, C

I've had a pretty rough go at life so far. I have experienced enough internal turmoil and isolation for a lifetime even though I have only been around twenty-nine years. It has and continues to be awful. I have also learned a lot about myself, others, and this great-weird thing called life. I thought I'd share a few of the things I have learned and am trying/wanting to learn through this process. So here goes...

1) We underestimate ourselves big time. If you would have told me when I was twenty that I would still be dealing with intensive depression at twenty-nine with hardly any let-up, I would have told you that I wouldn't make it and that I would have killed myself by this time. But hey, lookie!--I'm still here. I often ruminate on the bad things that could happen (thanks generalized anxiety disorder) and think of how terrifying these things would be and how I couldn't cope if one of my worst fears came to be reality. The thing is though, one of my worst fears has come true (my depression still being here with vengeance), and I am still here and fighting like hell.

2) Suppressing emotions or problems long term can really fuck you up and almost always makes things worse. I don't mean holding off during your seven day beach vacation kind of suppression. I mean the years of suppression of anger, sadness, jealousy, whatever. That is what gets you. Not only do you have to deal with the emotion or issue at some later date, you also have to break the habit of keeping the emotion suppressed. I can honestly say that emotional suppression has plagued me for years. I have been in therapy for six years working intensively and almost exclusively on experiencing my anger and only now have I been able to recognize and occasionally experience it. This has not only added years of stress and frustration, it has damn near cost me my life dozens of times, as I would focus the anger on myself and end up being suicidal. So for reals: try to get the bad stuff out. Otherwise you are living with poison in your veins.

3) Don't take shit from anyone (including yourself). Seriously. Stand up for yourself! If someone is treating you badly, deal with it. Address the situation or stop spending time with the person. We take it from someone more than we fight back, especially as women I think, because we don't want to look like a bitch. Screw it, look like a bitch. In fact, be proud that some people think you are a bitch- it means you have a backbone. Also, don't be mean to yourself. I still struggle with this so much, it's not even funny. Don't say or think vile things about yourself, it is so hard to dig out of and I mean it when I say the majority of people don't deserve it.

4) Music can save your life. I have made comps of songs for years and now I make one for each month of the year. I choose songs that make me sad because usually they help put some of my feelings into words and I feel less alone. I also choose happy songs, but it varies. I have some lyrics in my head that I hold onto like harnesses when things get really bad. If music isn't your thing, immerse yourself in anything that makes you feel less alone and a little more expressed.

5) It's okay to be sad for a very very very long (or short) time. I really mean this. I thought sadness would kill me if it lasted all this time. That one day I would just drop dead from it for no other reason than that I felt it for so long. Well, it doesn't work that way.  It really is okay to struggle for years and years with something. It doesn't mean you aren't working through it, it doesn't mean you are weak or too sensitive, that you take things too seriously, or just don't know how to be carefree and happy. That's all bullshit. I really don't think people choose to live with sadness long term because they think it is fun or valuable to them in some way. Anyone who tells you to just be happy is probably really out of touch with humanity, drunk, or high.

6) Your dreams wait for you. Because of my depression, I've had to put most of my dreams on hold. All my energy is focused on living each day individually, and my only goal is really to continue those days much of the time. I do have dreams and goals, and I remember them, and make lists of how I will reach them at least once a month. The frustrating thing is no matter how many lists and plans I make, I have yet to reach any of them. The only goal I am reaching is continuing to be here so I can eventually live my dreams. To say 'only' in that sentence is a bit ridiculous as I have to stay alive because all my dreams require it. I'm learning though, and it's a hard lesson, and I hate it...but, I am learning that my dreams are waiting for me. They aren't going anywhere. They may change or be edited over time, but they are still there, perhaps far off, but they exist. It's frustrating and I often feel inadequate because almost everyone I know has reached some of their dreams by now. But going back to lesson 3 above, I can't be so hard on myself. Most people I know don't have depression or chronic illness to deal with. I am just where I need to be. I don't believe that most of the time, but I'm trying to.

7) It's ok/beneficial to be open about your struggles. Have you noticed that when you share something you are dealing with a person they often relate to your struggle in some way? Isn't life about sharing the real things rather than the new shoes we bought, gossiping about a mutual friend, or talking about the new fad diet we are following? I am a pretty honest and deep person. I really don't enjoy talking about superficial things. Don't get me wrong, it's good some of the time. But when a relationship is built only on those things it feels quite empty to me. Share with people you trust and care about. It really does help. Really. I find so many bloggers writing about something difficult in their lives and they often say in the first paragraph: "I don't want my blog to be focused on this. I don't want to share too much. I really am happy most of the time. I'm not trying to be negative." I've said all these things before too, but why do we feel the need to say things like that when all we are doing is being honest? Life isn't unicorns and jellybeans all the time. If you don't like someone's honesty, get over it. The truth is most people end up relating and being helped and encouraged in some way by your honesty. I challenge you to not put disclaimers on your honesty. To not apologize for telling the truth. To foster relationships built on experiencing all of life: both bitter and sweet, and to not hold one higher than the other.

---

Ok. Ok. This is a lot. Let me know your thoughts on any of these points. Is there something you would add? What are some things you are learning in your life?

xx, C

Hello Dolls,

I've been in a bit of a shock the last few days. The reason for the shock is that I am depressed again. I was depressed from August 2012 until June of this year. It wasn't just a light depression either. It was probably my very worst, very deepest. The word that comes to mind whenever I think about it is incessant. That's what it was. Never stopping, never letting up, never giving me a chance to breathe. I really can't believe I survived it. And now after less than a months reprieve those sad sallow feelings are returning- still not reaching their fill of my grieving heart, of my little sinews.

I'm so sad. I know I am depressed when I have to think about forming facial expressions. I have to remind myself to smile in social situations, to laugh. When I'm alone my face is blank, I stare off into nothingness wondering how long the baddie will last, how much more I can take. I know I'm depressed when my mind races in ferris wheel circles over and over and over through the same dreaded thoughts. I can't get engrossed in anything, the thoughts don't stop when I am reading, talking to someone, listening, watching a show, doing a project. No matter what they are drilling deeper and deeper into my head trying to strike bloody oil. Even when I sleep they are there. Like a seedling, like a root trying to grab my corpse before I am even dead.

I also feel empty. Drowning. Unable to catch my breath. An enormous weight on my chest. A squeezing sensation in my thick tough heart. It's so awful. I can't tell you or explain it properly.

But life keeps. Somehow I get up. I do laundry. I listen to music while doing chores (how in the fuck?!?). I talk to people, I blog and eat. Sometimes I think I will throw up from the emotional pain. Sometimes I wish it would come out like a badly digested meal. But that's not how it works. It's in there. In there deep. And it doesn't want to come out...ever.

Here's to the day though. Here's to still being here even when it fucking hurts.

Love, C

Yesterday's post where I mentioned my childhood really shook me up. I was anxious all day and by the evening I was sad to all hell. At bedtime I had a cry while talking to Ronald about how much pain I still carry from my childhood. I feel like those memories stalk me and blend into every aspect of my life. I felt like a bad person much of my childhood and that really affected me. I still feel guilty for basically anything I do.

I was extremely lonely as a child. I had an occasional friend but she would always move away within about a year (military life is like that for families). Somehow I stayed put. Living in the same house for about ten years on an old cul-de-sac in my little bedroom. I was homeschooled. I was forgotten. I disappeared to my room. I helped my mom run an in-home daycare when I was twelve for about a year where I watched toddlers get the attention from my parents I had always wanted but never received. I'm still haunted by that and thinking of it can bring me to tears in an instant. I got depressed. I stayed in my room.

I don't know how I survived all that isolation. I don't know how I came out with an ability to function as an adult. I was born with a strong will and stubbornness which I know played a big part in my survival.

Right now I'm so sad. I hate it. I hate thinking on the past. I wish it would just go away. But that's not how it works. Instead I have to go through it.

Love, C

So this thing that I have thought was a weed for months is actually a pumpkin vine! I noticed it was growing yellow flowers and today I realized that there is a huge-o pumpkin laying in it! Crazy! I hope it lasts until October so we can have our own Halloween pumpkin!

Ronald has to work Saturday. Sometimes I think I love and need that boy too much for my damn good. But then I remember how wonderful he is and how nice it is to have that sweet fella in my life.

I seriously can't get enough of him. I hate when we aren't sitting together, talking, doing something together, when he isn't holding me or giving me a kiss. I hate when he is focused on his computer when he works from home (even though I know he needs to do it). I hate when he is on the phone, or doing something other than paying attention to me.

This sounds selfish and maybe it is in some ways. I think most of it is how I was raised. I was rarely paid attention to. My parents were constantly distracted. I didn't go to school or have many friends. I was alone. I spent my life in my bedroom. I kept myself occupied somehow, for years and years and years. I think it was because I had to be there. No matter what. I had to live in that hell. I can't express the sadness I felt then, and still feel looking back on it.

I feel like I need to catch up on all of the attention and care I missed as a child. It's like I have an empty tank and I'm trying to get it filled. I can't get enough love and attention from R and whenever I am not getting that attention I sort of panic. I get self-conscious. I feel guilty. I feel like an annoyance. I feel like a bad person. Just as I did as a child.

It's interesting how my past follows me through everything like a rolling pull-toy. I hate how empty I feel sometimes. I hate missing Ronald even when he is right there. But for now, right now, he is miles and cities away, and even though he is going to be home this evening I miss his guts so bad it really fucking hurts.

xx, C

Life has been hard for far too long. My whole life I have launched from one struggle to the next. I'm twenty-nine, have been married for almost ten years and we are still in the thick of it. I really am in disbelief. I keep thinking we are at the bottom, that life can't get any worse so we can only go up/only get better. But those are all false bottom and I am learning things can always get worse...always.

I try to keep it up. Keep up the appearance that I am not entirely devastated, that I am strong and hopeful. But I'm not. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm a shell of what I used to/want to be. I'm a ruminator. I ruminate on ways to get out, I plan out how to get better (I have lists and lists and lists of the stuff), and still nothing. No change but down.

I don't want to be around people. No one but Ronald. Even with him I struggle with showing my true self. Being alone is easiest, because then I don't have to pretend. I don't have to put on a brave face. I just have to make sure the knives stay in the kitchen drawer.

But you know, I have to end this with something positive because that's what I do. It's brave-face time so put on that mask all snug and tight and smile girl, smile.

xx, C

Life is a weird method. Right now I am on a plane headed to Las Vegas for six days. I’m looking forward to it, although I wish there was a way I could bring our three adorable-funny-smelly-wonderful pups. Whenever I go to Vegas I get this strange nostalgic/melancholy feeling about the whole thing. I think about Vegas in the sixties. Women in tight fitted dresses and pillbox hats, men in suits with skinny ties holding martinis, rolling dice and pulling money out of their pockets. 
I like thinking about those days. It makes me happy and sad. I am an old soul and want to go back to those times and experience the feelings, and happenings. I think I was born in the wrong era. 
I don’t know why it makes me so sad. But it does. It seriously makes me want to cry at times, so I try not to think about it all that much. I think it just feeds the overwhelming sense I have of not fitting in. No matter how much I actually do fit in, that sort of necessary feeling doesn’t seep into my guts. 
Part of it is due to my brain being wired for depression. My synapses ricochet through a well-filed pattern of sad and sad and sad thoughts. This isn’t easy to live with. In fact I think about not living anymore and that brings me comfort.
I really dislike that fact. I know I don’t want to die, but I want to die. In reality, it’s more of a desire for a different life. For a fire escape that leads to relief. But those things don’t seem to exist for me. 
So I hop and hope along, you know, doing the normal actions of living while feeling completely abnormal and terrified. My heart isn’t in many things. But my heart runs deep and full to the things it is attached to. Sometimes thinking of that doesn’t work though. 
I face a day to day struggle to continue to exist. A lot of times I think about what it would be like to not even have the thought of suicide enter my mind. That is the case for a lot of people and I admire them and am incredibly jealous too. I live in constant fear. So does Ronald. So do my other loved ones. 
Each day different ‘somethings’ keep me going. One day it may be something Ronald said or did, or looking at my wedding ring. Or the pups and how they would never understand if I was gone. It’s the billowy curtains, planning the setup for our mini-living room makeover, or a song I listen to while washing the dishes. It’s driving with the windows down and feeling that soft hit of wind that smells like trees, and sky, and grass. It’s taking a photograph I’m really happy with, or finding puffy carnations at the market.
The thing is, that is life. And I love it. Even riddled with pain and illness, I still love it.
So I’m so sad and broken hearted. I’m desperate and angry. I’m tearful and anxious and my back is fucking killing me. But I’m here. And even though I’m afraid of losing that ‘here’ each day, I keep going. At times by choice, at other times by pure luck and grit. 
I’m a stubborn bitch so it takes a lot to break me. And that’s one of the major reasons I am still here. I hate losing. I’m afraid of failure. I’m a fighter and pretty damn tough. I’m proud of that and also mad at it because it means I’m still fighting. There is a duality within me of both health and rot. 
But right now, on this plane way up above the clouds I am okay. And there is so much ‘something’ in that.
---
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, seek help. Here is a US suicide hotline where you can call or even email with a counselor for support and help. They also have a link to crisis sites outside of the US. Go here for help.

Internally things have been a mess for me these past weeks/months. Life seems to consist of a few options each day. I can stay home and go crazy and commit suicide. Or I can spend the day out shopping where I buy things we don't need and run my body ragged, then come home and face the option of cutting or taking anti-anxiety medication (so far both have been chosen).

I've never faced such intense racing thoughts or felt so out of control in my actions. I seriously am at a breaking point. My self-consciousness is at an all time high. I feel so worthless I don't even fight the thoughts that come to mind, in fact, not many thoughts come to mind to remind me of how worthless I am, it just seems a fact to me.

I ruminate on how bad of a person I am. I experience constant guilt. And not just any talk-myself-out-of-it or laugh it off guilt, but the kind of guilt that makes me want to run my car into a tree or wall while driving on the freeway.

I can think of a few reasons this is happening. First, the longer life goes wrong the more I want to find someone/something to blame (myself), and the more exhausted I become. Second, I'm just starting to face the reality that we won't be able to have children. My whole life that is all I wanted and to consider giving that idea up is one of the worst feelings ever. Third, I am angry. I am angry at so many things it's not even funny and I really struggle with expressing it. Fourth, I am extremely unhappy. I am in constant pain both physically and mentally, I don't feel close to anyone, I feel misunderstood, and like I am unimportant.

Even now, sitting in the backyard on our swing, I feel an immense need to leave the house. It's not just an idea or an option, it feels like a necessity. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel jittery, overwhelmed, and impulsive. I feel like if I don't leave I will kill myself. So I am left with two options. Leave or die.

I so hope things will get better, so, so, so much. For now I'm holding on.