life collection

It's a lovely Summer-eve morning. I'm getting over the flu, starting to feel a bit alive, and waking up slowly after a weird night's sleep. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a fertility specialist, needless to say I am nervous.

I want to get back to my routine. In the midst of everything around me that is internally and externally happening, I have to get to a place of doing. Some of my goals include journaling, writing-- which I haven't done in weeks (it has been years since this has happened), taking photographs, painting, etcetera.

I have to really push my old tired self, and that isn't easy when there are real difficult things happening around and inside me. I feel like certain dreams and hopes are shattering, being eaten up and regurgitated into something else, being broken down into bits and melting down to the most simple form. I know life does this, I do, I really do but it hurts.

My life has been this melting, this flexing into something new. But sometimes I wonder when will it stop? When will something work out? I have had a life of depression, of bad memories, sadness, desperation, then I think, its time for this? Really? Can I go through any thing else or will I just give up?

Well, giving up isn't an option...even though I want it to be so bad, I can't even put that into words. But I just have to keep going.


xx, C