I'm in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare up. I was doing ok for a while but it hit suddenly on Saturday night and since then I have been completely non-functional. We went to Yosemite for Ronald to teach a class and came home last night. It was pretty exhausting and hard due to the pain I have been having, but it was still pretty and I tried to make the best of it.

Right now I feel like I have the worst flu of my life. I am so weak, can hardly stand up or sit up. I have nausea. Horrible pain and cramping through my entire body, even with being on strong pain medication. And a migraine like headache where I am sensitive to light and sound. I have to wear an eye mask just to relieve my headache enough to sleep.

The thing is, I have no idea how long this flare-up will last. My previous flare up lasted over a month, so that is possible, or I could feel better tomorrow, who knows. I am going to see a new doctor tomorrow and I hope she can give me some advice or new pain meds to try. The idea of walking and talking to a doctor sounds almost impossible right now due to my exhaustion. But I will do it, because I have to.

Not sure when I will be back to blogging, I will probably take a break until I feel a little better.

Sending love, C



1, 2, 3, 4, 5

After weeks of looking for shoes that are comfortable for my crazy-sensitive little feet, I finally hit the jackpot! Each pair is so comfy and cute. I love the Kork Ease sandals, and luckily I found them at a discount store for $49.99 instead of $100 online!

I also ordered this cutie purse from Urban Outfitters. I love it and hope it works well for me. I like how understated the color is too.

I have to say I did get a bit of a shopping high. It's so nice to finally find the things I was looking for. I came home and snuggled the pups and took a twenty minute nap, then Ronald came home. I was so excited to see him! For some reason I completely forgot it was Friday so that was an extra surprise. I made us dinner and now we are watching Arrested Development (for the fifth or sixth time, we love it!).

I'm feeling sort of ok right now which is quite wonderful. Not sure what we are going to do tomorrow, but Sunday we are going to Yosemite overnight for Ronald to teach a class. It's a few hours drive for us which is perfect because road trips are awesome. It will be nice to be away in such a gorgeous place. 

Anyway, what are you doing this weekend my dears?

xx, C


I always thought that when people said the type of things I am about to say they were being sort of bitchy and pretentious. I thought they were shoving their issues in our faces to get pity. I hate that I was so judgmental. And now here I am, in the same old worn out shoes they stood in, saying the same things I judged so harshly. And I realize they probably didn't say it for attention, or pity, but rather to remind someone else of all the good out there. At least that is why I want to say the following:

I really didn't know how much I had until I started feeling the pain of fibromyalgia. I took a lot of things for granted. My physical abilities have changed so much. I never realized how nice I had it when I didn't have to push a cart at every store I went to so I could lean on it for support as I walked. I never realized how wonderful it was to be able to sweep, or dust, wash a load of sudsy dishes, or fold laundry. All these mundane things I used to hate become reminders of how easy it once was. I could go for walks, I could go to Disneyland (seriously heartbreaking to think that if I went now I would need a wheelchair).  I could sit without my legs cramping and my tailbone aching. I could play with our dogs. I could go snorkeling in Hawaii. I could write a journal entry or sketch without my hands riling up in pain.

The funny thing is, the thing I miss the most is being able to jump. I don't know why. I never really jumped much before, but I miss knowing I could if I wanted to. If I could go back I would jump on the bed, I would hop around the house like a bunny. I would gallop, I would run and race Ronald to the car every chance I got. I would take the pups for long walks. I would dance around the house and twirl in dresses. I would hula hoop. I would go bowling. I would run through the waves at the beach.

It's hard to write this. It makes me want to cry. I feel this enormous sense of grief, and disappointment. Sometimes I'm in shock. Other times I'm resigned. But mostly I am sad.

Maybe this is a better way to say it-

"This is how it works
 You're young until you're not
 You love until you don't
 You try until you can't
 You laugh until you cry
 You cry until you laugh
 And everyone must breathe
 Until their dying breath."

-Regina Spektor



It's been a rough day. I have yet to shower due to fear of it causing a panic attack. When I give myself any down time to think I start panicking so showering is hard.

I've also been having a lot of trouble sleeping and bad dreams. I haven't really done anything today other than go to therapy, and sleep.

At least there are flowers. It's windy and bright and cool and our wind chimes are jingling in that familiar rhythm of home.

Tomorrow is another day...




We arrived home from our Vegas trip yesterday. We had a great time, but I am really happy to be home. The pups are happy to have us home too. Yesterday was our little messy shih-tzu Isabelle's birthday. She is six! I sang her happy birthday and gave her loads of snuggles. 

Coming home from a trip leaves lots of chores and odds and ends to do, so today I will be a bit of a busy-body. I don't mind it though. 

We won some money in Vegas so we each have a little cash to spend on whatever we want. I think I am going to get a tattoo. I have been wanting this tattoo so bad, so I'm looking forward to it. I'm keeping the design a secret from everyone but Ronald. I think everyone I know is going to panic a bit when it is revealed but I am ecstatic about it.

I have a few fun craft ideas I've been noodling on. We'll see how it goes. I hope I can actually create the ideas I have in my head. We'll see...

I woke up way too early this morning and had some really bad dreams. Hopefully tonights sleep will be a little better.

Anyway, my loves, talk soon!

xx, C



Friday was rough. I had therapy and as I walked in the parking lot to my car I was hit by a horrible panic attack. Luckily Ronald was with me to drive me home. The panic lasted about two hours and I completely freaked out. I felt like I was losing my mind. The panic ran itself out after a while. I was left exhausted.

The next day we headed to Vegas for a vacation. I was a bit of a mess packing in the morning but I got through it and even survived a plane ride which usually freaks me out. 

And now we are here. In our hotel room, waking up. I feel kind of strange being here. I feel like such a mess. I don't really want to do anything but rest or play video poker. It feels kind of silly to be in such an artificial place when I feel so heavy-hearted, sad, and overwhelmed. 

But Ronald is here. And he helps me oh so. Last night we had bourbons in a little lounge before heading up to our room. It was nice and we talked about things. It made me feel a little better. He is wonderful and gets it, which is pretty amazing. I felt like I might be able to get though the year, which at the moment is a big deal.

It's another day. And that means I am still here. I hope one day to not have to count the days as survival, but that they will blur and go unnoticed as I am finally enjoying life.

xx, C



Snuggling Isabelle and putting my aching feet up on this pretty pink pillow.

Cricket after a bath.

The swelling went down in my fingers so I can wear my wedding ring again!

My bitch face. I don't smile when I'm out alone much so I look permanently grumpy.

It's evening and I'm exhausted. Ronald is in Colorado. He left for the airport at seven this morning but his flight was delayed three hours due to a snow storm in Colorado. He will come back sometime tomorrow, probably late, but I'm hoping he will be able to catch an earlier flight.

I was out all day. I went to the mall and the stores I wanted to visit couldn't have been farther from each other so I walked and walked. My feet are hurting so bad right now! Then I had lunch with my sister, and made a few more stops before heading home.

I'm super anxious and missing Ronald so much, but am trying to keep it together. 

Luckily there are three of the cutest pups ever on the couch with me so I have some company. ;)

I brought home some daffodils, and a lavender candle. Now it's time for some tea and some rest (I hope).

Love, C



I'm hurting a lot, a lot, a lot today due to my fibromyalgia. It's really no fun. Ronald is home and made me tea and set out blankets for me to bundle in. Yesterday I made these applesauce-banana muffins and they were kind of bland, but since they set overnight they taste much better and I definitely will make them again.

The pups are snuggled and happy. I think my sick days are their favorites because they get to snuggle me all day. Of course if they knew I was sick they would be sad, but you know they just think in naps, and food, and cuddles, and toys. ;)

Tomorrow Ronald goes to Colorado to speak at a conference. I wish he didn't have to go but it's alright. I get super anxious when he leaves even to go to a normal day at work, so for him to be gone for a night is a big deal. He is the only person I feel genuinely safe with, so when he is gone I feel entirely alone even if I am around other people. I am so afraid of being abandoned that even when I know he is going to come back I still feel the sense of abandonment.

I have been keeping a list of things I can do while he is away. I am so glad I have the puppies to snuggle, and I have planned a lot of errands to run so I can be out of the house if I get blue. I also have anti-anxiety medication to take at bed time when I panic the most.

I hate having these issues and often feel weak and stupid for it. I need to try to be gentle with myself and realize that a lot of things have happened to cause those feelings and that I am not bad or stupid for experiencing them. That is easy to write out, but so hard to believe.

xx, C


"walking in"

"Why am I certain,
 Whatever your faults are,
 The fault is mine,
 Why is loneliness not
 A chemical discomfort, 
 Nor being a smell?"

-WH Auden

It's one of 'those' days. I know these 'those' days all too well. My breathing shallows because it hurts. No one ever told me being depressed causes a physical-mental discomfort. The thing that bothers me so much is that life just keeps fucking going. Even when I am so tired, even when I can't take anymore, even when I feel beyond repair. I still have to make breakfast, push the button on that damn coffee maker. I still have to shower and stand up. I actually have to even leave the house today, because I have therapy and I'm too good and too scared a girl to cancel and owe money for something that didn't even happen.

Sometimes I just can't believe it. Everyone goes to work. Everyone drinks their coffee and talks to each other. The sky is up there and all around. I have to fill up the dogs water bowls. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I guess I don't really care.

The world goes on, that's what I'm trying to say. Even when the worst is in me. Even when I feel I can't move. I move. Even I putter through, and I don't know why I still do it. I wrote in my journal yesterday that I keep on mainly because it's an experiment in how bad things can get. I'm kind of just curious how far down I can go. It's kind of a running joke in my head. I think "it can't get much worse" and yet it does. That isn't funny at all but I have to translate it as funny or I won't get through the day.

I think I reached my breaking point many many months ago and am now holding on by sheer stubbornness. Not that I am afraid of losing, not that I don't want to go. Mainly because others don't want me to. And you know me, I hang on every word other people say. Plus I'm scared. I don't want to let everyone down. And what if soil and silence isn't on the other side?

So I sputt and putter, jangle and jingle. And it goes on, and somehow I even smile. Thinking I can keep it a secret. Thinking I can make someone else feel better about it. Sometimes I think I comfort people about how I will be okay more than I should. But I guess that doesn't hurt anyone much. At least until it's gone.


"I'm pulling back, the world expands." -Hem


growing and falling apart

I have been riddled with anxiety these days. I'm so discouraged, full of self-doubt, and lost in melancholy thoughts.

Last night I had a pretty intense panic attack. I cried for an hour, one of those messy awful cries where I go through an entire box of tissue, and sob so loud I scare myself. Ronald did his best to comfort me, but sometimes there is nothing to do but let it out. I'm still not feeling good but it's a new day so I'm going to keep on.

I have so much trouble getting forward momentum. As soon as I start moving ahead something gets in the way and I get smacked back down. It's really frustrating, especially since this has been happening for most of my life. I'm hoping to be able to break the cycle at some point and get to a place I want to be.

This picture is of my purple shamrock plant. I've had it for over a year and it reminds me of myself a bit. During the day the plant's leaves are wide open in the sun, but at night the leaves close and go limp, it seriously looks like the plant is dying. Then the next morning, it is open again soaking up the sun.

I feel like that is how life is for me. Most nights I melt-down in some way. But then the next day I'm ready to fight again. It's not easy to do that every day, and many days I don't feel like fighting, but I do. Because I have to. Because I can't give up. It's so hard, but I'm working at it. I'm pesky and stubborn like that.

I always had romantic ideas of what being a fighter meant. That somehow a fighter always new what they were fighting for, always believed it was worth it, and was tough and determined at every turn. That they had personality, a strong voice, and knew exactly what they wanted. Then I realized I am a fighter, and all those romantic ideas went out the window. But that's ok. I'm a fighter regardless.



couple things

It's hot outside!

Amelia comforting me while I had a panic attack yesterday.
 Seriously, she is the best little snuggle-nurse out there.

Yesterday was pretty much a nightmare. I had some of the worst anxiety I've had in years. Even taking klonopin (an anti-anxiety drug that works wonders for me) only helped slightly. I kept doing weird things like shaking my head back and forth over and over, saying "no, no, no" or "I can't, I can't, I can't" again and again. It was really a new form of anxiety for me and I seriously thought I was losing my mind. 

The strange thing is, there isn't anything I am particularly anxious about, or any new anxiety provoker. So I'm not sure why this is happening. I am terrified to sleep due to my nightmares, but last night they weren't too bad so I got some rest. I have therapy tomorrow so I'm hoping I can get some answers and figure some of this out.

I pulled myself together enough yesterday afternoon to make the cake I mentioned in my previous post. It turned out so so so so good! I didn't make the candied orange peel and let it chill for two hours then put it in the freezer for half an hour and it was ready to eat (they say to chill it overnight). We paired it with some vanilla and strawberry Yoplait frozen yogurt, have you tried that stuff? It is so good! It also has only 100 calories per half cup and has all the health benefits of regular yogurt. Anyway, the cake is pretty rich but the yogurt balanced it out. The texture of it is kind of like a flour-less chocolate cake mixed with a mousse it was smooth and perfect. I was so happy with it and proud of myself for making something new. 

Lastly, I am worn out with this blog. Don't worry, I am not going away! I am just going to revamp things. I have a new space I am working on setting up and I hope you will join me there once I announce it, it still needs some work so it will be a while. I'm hoping I will have some fresh perspective on how I want to blog. I feel like I have lost my voice over here and it is just a notebook of thoughts with no direction. I'm going to have more defined topics and a blog schedule. I will share more of my writing and art as well as ideas on life and little tips here and there. I'm also going to be a better blog friend and reply to your sweet comments. I am so anti-social and shy that sometimes I just don't know how to respond to all the wonderful notes you leave, so I just stay silent. That is going to change for sure. 

Change is on the horizon, and it's exciting and so scary. Mostly exciting though and also slightly wondrous. 

Ok dolls, talk soon!

xx, C


pink pom

I took these photographs in my in-laws backyard. I love their yard, so many pretty plants and trees all around so you feel like you are in a cocoon. This is my favorite tree they have. I can't remember the name but I call it the pink pom-pom tree. ;) It only blooms in the Spring and I absolutely adore it.

It's been so windy here! It's sunny and the wind keeps billowing and whirling through the trees. It makes our doors creak and curtains billow. I would love to keep the house open, but the wind is pretty cold. I love the wind on clear days like this, it feels like our whole town is getting a well needed dose of freshness. I'm lucky not to have a lot of allergies, I can see how this wind would be bad for that.

I am going to do some healthy-ish baking today. I'm going to make banana muffins with apples sauce and whole wheat flour. I'm also making this thing it's kind of like a mousse/cake-something and looks delicious. Plus, it is made with bittersweet chocolate which I love. I don't think I am going to make the candied orange peel, instead I will put a tiny bit of whipped cream on each slice with a raspberry.

I am so tired today. I think I might make another cup of coffee and it's only ten in the morning. I did wake at 5:30 though and have had some restless nights. Getting a good nights sleep is nearly impossible for me.

I have completely fallen in love with this drawing table and chair. I have a coupon for 40% off the desk so it would only be $131. I'm so tempted to snatch it up. There are higher things on my list of needs/wants. For example some ballerina flats that aren't filthy and have holes in the sole.

Anyway, it's only Tuesday and that is disheartening for some reason. Life keeps on though...

xx, C


head spin

racing thoughts(Noun)
A series of uncontrollable thoughts that switch rapidly between ideas, a symptom of bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders or other mental illnesses

I have dealt with racing thoughts my whole life. As I child I remember not being able to get my head to stop spinning with worries and fears, even at a very young age. I still deal with them almost constantly. Sometimes I can put them in the background. If I stay busy doing physical tasks, am at the beach, go shopping, am baking or cooking, gardening, or occasionally when I am doing something creative, but most of the time they are rumbling through my head at a crazy pace. 

I struggle with them most when I am around other people (even Ronald), in the shower, driving, by myself, trying to write, in public, reading, watching a show or a movie, sitting at a coffee shop, trying to sleep, or doing anything quiet. So basically all the time. And lately my thoughts have been at a fever pitch.

I always try to have something "on". I listen to music and as my thoughts rumble I turn it up louder, this doesn't work but it's a habit now. I watch a show each morning just to keep them at bay for a short time. In the shower and while I get ready I have music on. When things are silent I feel like I am going insane. The thoughts get so loud I sometimes even respond to them out loud. It takes my head over, I get a headache. I feel fucking miserable. And there is little relief most days.

So what I normally do is stay very busy. I get out of the house, or if I am home I do "busy-work" all day long, like cleaning. Of course now with fibromyalgia the physical work has gone way down so instead I would go out. Every day I would leave around 9 a.m. and be out until 2 p.m. or later. I wouldn't eat because eating in public freaks the hell out of me so then I would end up making myself sick and nauseas. I would just go from store to store looking around. Of course I would end up seeing things I like and buying them. The thing is, when I feel like absolute shit, like I am losing my mind, and even slightly suicidal, buying something doesn't seem to be a big deal. In the long run though, it adds up.

So I'm trying to change my habits and stay home and live more creatively. It's so fucking hard though. Like I feel insane right now. Ronald is even here and I know it would be ten times worse if I was alone.  If I was alone I would probably have to leave the house just to be safe. I just want the thoughts to stop. Usually when I am suicidal it is because I just want my stupid brain to stop thinking, to stop mulling my sadness and everything over and over and over. I want silence. I want to be buried in the ground where it is nice and quiet. I want an "off" switch, even for a little while. But those don't seem to exist.

I can start my morning feeling okay, like I did today, but the thoughts wear me down as they click louder and louder until I feel like I will burst open from the pressure and noise inside my head. Don't ever think that emotional and mental trauma cannot cause pain...believe me--they do.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. There is no place to go to get away from my thoughts when they are at this pitch. I just have to keep going, look and act normal, function. Even this morning at the grocery store I was mouthing words to myself and my thoughts. Yeah, that's crazy, and I'm doing it. So I smile and walk around and act calm even when I am about to burst open, about to panic and worse than panic.

Even at night the thoughts are still there. They come in the form of dreams. Fast, incessant, triggering dreams of death, terrorism, carnage, loss, and all things horrible. 

So yes. It's bad. And I don't know how to fix it. It is fucking awful.


Monterey- favorite photographs

We had a lot of fun in Monterey last week! Above are some of my favorite snaps. It was nice to rest with Ronald and have some down time.

Now we are back home and getting settled in for the work week to start. Yesterday we did a lot of cleaning and had a Wonder Years marathon (we are a few episodes away from watching all six seasons!). We hung white curtains in the living room, they look great against the charcoal walls and it makes things feel less heavy. We also cleaned our bedroom which we don't do very often. That is the room we neglect the most which I think is just silly since we spend so much time in it. I'm going to focus more on keeping it tidy.

I'm in a bit of a budget and eating healthy frenzy these days. I found some websites that have free printable coupons so our printer was busy yesterday. I'm going to calculate how much things will cost before going to the market to make sure we are on track, use coupons, and buy generic brands more often. To be honest, the last time I did this much work toward grocery shopping was the first few years of our marriage, so probably over 7 years ago!

Some other things I'm going to be doing:

Start baking bread from scratch. I think this will be a good way to start some mornings and it's healthier than baking sweets.

Go to my favorite park with one of our pups. I don't think I can handle taking all three at once so I will alternate between them and give them each a little adventure and some one-on-one attention.

Cook more often with new recipes I found online.

And lastly *drum roll please* I am going to go to art school! I am noodling on which program to take and will get my bachelors of fine arts degree. I'm going to take classes online which will be perfect for when I am lacking physical energy and I can work on my own schedule. I am thinking of going here. I am so excited and so nervous and so excited and nervous.

So life is moving forward and that makes me smirk a bit. ;)

I hope you had a good weekend my loves!