head spin

racing thoughts(Noun)
A series of uncontrollable thoughts that switch rapidly between ideas, a symptom of bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders or other mental illnesses

I have dealt with racing thoughts my whole life. As I child I remember not being able to get my head to stop spinning with worries and fears, even at a very young age. I still deal with them almost constantly. Sometimes I can put them in the background. If I stay busy doing physical tasks, am at the beach, go shopping, am baking or cooking, gardening, or occasionally when I am doing something creative, but most of the time they are rumbling through my head at a crazy pace. 

I struggle with them most when I am around other people (even Ronald), in the shower, driving, by myself, trying to write, in public, reading, watching a show or a movie, sitting at a coffee shop, trying to sleep, or doing anything quiet. So basically all the time. And lately my thoughts have been at a fever pitch.

I always try to have something "on". I listen to music and as my thoughts rumble I turn it up louder, this doesn't work but it's a habit now. I watch a show each morning just to keep them at bay for a short time. In the shower and while I get ready I have music on. When things are silent I feel like I am going insane. The thoughts get so loud I sometimes even respond to them out loud. It takes my head over, I get a headache. I feel fucking miserable. And there is little relief most days.

So what I normally do is stay very busy. I get out of the house, or if I am home I do "busy-work" all day long, like cleaning. Of course now with fibromyalgia the physical work has gone way down so instead I would go out. Every day I would leave around 9 a.m. and be out until 2 p.m. or later. I wouldn't eat because eating in public freaks the hell out of me so then I would end up making myself sick and nauseas. I would just go from store to store looking around. Of course I would end up seeing things I like and buying them. The thing is, when I feel like absolute shit, like I am losing my mind, and even slightly suicidal, buying something doesn't seem to be a big deal. In the long run though, it adds up.

So I'm trying to change my habits and stay home and live more creatively. It's so fucking hard though. Like I feel insane right now. Ronald is even here and I know it would be ten times worse if I was alone.  If I was alone I would probably have to leave the house just to be safe. I just want the thoughts to stop. Usually when I am suicidal it is because I just want my stupid brain to stop thinking, to stop mulling my sadness and everything over and over and over. I want silence. I want to be buried in the ground where it is nice and quiet. I want an "off" switch, even for a little while. But those don't seem to exist.

I can start my morning feeling okay, like I did today, but the thoughts wear me down as they click louder and louder until I feel like I will burst open from the pressure and noise inside my head. Don't ever think that emotional and mental trauma cannot cause pain...believe me--they do.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. There is no place to go to get away from my thoughts when they are at this pitch. I just have to keep going, look and act normal, function. Even this morning at the grocery store I was mouthing words to myself and my thoughts. Yeah, that's crazy, and I'm doing it. So I smile and walk around and act calm even when I am about to burst open, about to panic and worse than panic.

Even at night the thoughts are still there. They come in the form of dreams. Fast, incessant, triggering dreams of death, terrorism, carnage, loss, and all things horrible. 

So yes. It's bad. And I don't know how to fix it. It is fucking awful.


  1. I'm sorry, Catherine. I know what you're going through, and it's awful. But I think you're doing a great job taking steps to distract yourself. I don't really experience racing thoughts very much anymore as they have switched to obsessive thoughts (one thought, over and over and over), and I use compulsions to cope with those (mostly checking things). I don't remember how the racing thoughts stopped-- it's possible they just stopped-- but I know that when I need distraction from my mind I put on music and SING to it. Learning the lyrics and trying to stay on pitch takes up a lot of brain power and leaves very little for other things. It's great.

    Feel better, darling.

    Be well,

  2. I can't imagine.
    Emotional and mental trauma are worse in my eyes.. Eh.. I shouldn't say that. Because I wasn't physically abused as much as mentally/emotionally... but I used to remember thinking I'd rather just get hit and have the pain be over with.
    Sending you peaceful thoughts, warm hugs and tons of love.


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