I always thought that when people said the type of things I am about to say they were being sort of bitchy and pretentious. I thought they were shoving their issues in our faces to get pity. I hate that I was so judgmental. And now here I am, in the same old worn out shoes they stood in, saying the same things I judged so harshly. And I realize they probably didn't say it for attention, or pity, but rather to remind someone else of all the good out there. At least that is why I want to say the following:

I really didn't know how much I had until I started feeling the pain of fibromyalgia. I took a lot of things for granted. My physical abilities have changed so much. I never realized how nice I had it when I didn't have to push a cart at every store I went to so I could lean on it for support as I walked. I never realized how wonderful it was to be able to sweep, or dust, wash a load of sudsy dishes, or fold laundry. All these mundane things I used to hate become reminders of how easy it once was. I could go for walks, I could go to Disneyland (seriously heartbreaking to think that if I went now I would need a wheelchair).  I could sit without my legs cramping and my tailbone aching. I could play with our dogs. I could go snorkeling in Hawaii. I could write a journal entry or sketch without my hands riling up in pain.

The funny thing is, the thing I miss the most is being able to jump. I don't know why. I never really jumped much before, but I miss knowing I could if I wanted to. If I could go back I would jump on the bed, I would hop around the house like a bunny. I would gallop, I would run and race Ronald to the car every chance I got. I would take the pups for long walks. I would dance around the house and twirl in dresses. I would hula hoop. I would go bowling. I would run through the waves at the beach.

It's hard to write this. It makes me want to cry. I feel this enormous sense of grief, and disappointment. Sometimes I'm in shock. Other times I'm resigned. But mostly I am sad.

Maybe this is a better way to say it-

"This is how it works
 You're young until you're not
 You love until you don't
 You try until you can't
 You laugh until you cry
 You cry until you laugh
 And everyone must breathe
 Until their dying breath."

-Regina Spektor

1 comment:

  1. Try not to be so hard on yourself (yea, so much easier to say than to do, right?) Your words, despite being for another reason, really hit home for me. I learned my X boyfriend (of 4 years) died from heart disease a couple of weeks ago. He was prob my soul mate (if that exists), but I was never satisfied while in the relationship. I ended the relationship "to explore" and ended up pregnant and married to someone I have never been able to feel a connection with; he ended up pregnating the girl he dated after me and married her (and they seemed to be perfect). I have been thinking about how much I took for granted back then and how I never center on the good. Regina Spektor says it so well. Thanks for sharing.


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