"walking in"

"Why am I certain,
 Whatever your faults are,
 The fault is mine,
 Why is loneliness not
 A chemical discomfort, 
 Nor being a smell?"

-WH Auden

It's one of 'those' days. I know these 'those' days all too well. My breathing shallows because it hurts. No one ever told me being depressed causes a physical-mental discomfort. The thing that bothers me so much is that life just keeps fucking going. Even when I am so tired, even when I can't take anymore, even when I feel beyond repair. I still have to make breakfast, push the button on that damn coffee maker. I still have to shower and stand up. I actually have to even leave the house today, because I have therapy and I'm too good and too scared a girl to cancel and owe money for something that didn't even happen.

Sometimes I just can't believe it. Everyone goes to work. Everyone drinks their coffee and talks to each other. The sky is up there and all around. I have to fill up the dogs water bowls. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I guess I don't really care.

The world goes on, that's what I'm trying to say. Even when the worst is in me. Even when I feel I can't move. I move. Even I putter through, and I don't know why I still do it. I wrote in my journal yesterday that I keep on mainly because it's an experiment in how bad things can get. I'm kind of just curious how far down I can go. It's kind of a running joke in my head. I think "it can't get much worse" and yet it does. That isn't funny at all but I have to translate it as funny or I won't get through the day.

I think I reached my breaking point many many months ago and am now holding on by sheer stubbornness. Not that I am afraid of losing, not that I don't want to go. Mainly because others don't want me to. And you know me, I hang on every word other people say. Plus I'm scared. I don't want to let everyone down. And what if soil and silence isn't on the other side?

So I sputt and putter, jangle and jingle. And it goes on, and somehow I even smile. Thinking I can keep it a secret. Thinking I can make someone else feel better about it. Sometimes I think I comfort people about how I will be okay more than I should. But I guess that doesn't hurt anyone much. At least until it's gone.


"I'm pulling back, the world expands." -Hem


  1. Oh Catherine, I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope it helps you to know I've been there (and I go there often). But when you're on a downward spiral, that's not the time to sit back and watch things deteriorate-- that's when you have to make changes! Call your doctors and ask for a med evaluation. Call your husband and/or friends. Call 911 if you are really feeling unsafe. I know how hard it is to be proactive about changing your life for the better when (1) you're tired as crap from depression, and (2) you don't think there is a better, but it's worth a try. At times I feel like I want to die and sometimes I even take steps to make that a reality. But then sometimes I wake up to my puppy pawing at me and wagging her tail, asking me to lift up the covers so she can sleep on top of me under them and I smile. I've seen shit. I've seen amazing things. I guess life is both?

    Be well,

  2. NOS,

    Thank you so much for your comments. They help and encourage me so much. I know what you mean about life being both shit and amazing. I think it is like that for everyone but to lesser extremes. With depression and mental illness the extremes can be nightmarish. I am feeling somewhat better today. And that's the thing, the bad can come and go so fast. That's one reason we can't give up.

    xx, C


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