the smile I give when I walk by a stranger.
I have bitch face when I am out in public alone. Don't worry about making me feel better about this by telling me I don't because I'm learning to be ok with it and that would make it feel worse.
It's really all due to my insane level of shyness. Even smiling in public seems extremely daring to me, and although my outfit and tattoos seem to present a message that I am a bright and center-of-attention-loving person, nothing can be further from the truth.
I end up giving these awkward little smirks when someone smiles or looks at me when I'm out by myself. I used to think I was giving real smiles, until I did the look in front of a mirror. I also think I'm looking cheerful then go into a public restroom and see that I was/am in full bitch-face.
For a long time I freaked out about all this (let's be honest, I still do). But I am learning to remind myself that it doesn't matter what any random stranger thinks of me. I don't have to fake smile, or be bubbly, I can just be my quiet/awkward self.
A few other facts about my alone in public self:
I'm kind of awkward when you talk to me. I will be pleasant, and often funny, but in that dry funny way that can be misinterpreted. On my good days I might even make a comment or two, and in my bad days I will stumble over my simple Americano order at Starbucks.
I say "good lord!" or "shit!" or "fuck!" when I do something ridiculous and klutzy, which usually happens a few times when I am out and several hundred times when I'm home. Watch your children as these words pass uncontrollably out of my mouth in those moments...
I really hate getting comments or questions about my tattoos. Even though this happens nearly every time I go out. Some people mean well. Others are just assholes who think their opinion about my body matters. And then you get the "let me show you all of my tattoos!" people, and that is the worst.
I now challenge myself to go to coffee alone or sit at a bookshop to look at magazines. These moments are super uncomfortable for me, but they also increase my creativity if I let go of my self-consciousness. I seriously dread it every time, but once I'm there it usually goes ok. Sometimes I will even eat alone in public. Super scary for me but I do eat a few almonds on occasion (still totally believing everyone is looking at me like I'm a pig). Ridiculous.
Thing is, even with all these thoughts racing in my head, I still am doing the stuff that scares the crap out of me. I am realizing that I don't have to listen to all my head rumbles, but that they also don't disappear right away. In fact, they may never disappear, but I can still be the person I want to be.
xoxox, C