Hello Bears,

I've been up since four from fright-mares. My eyeball has a headache, I know, funny, but not.

The kitchen is a mess, and the bright red roses I bought on Sunday are still in a pitcher in the sink. The house is already hot, and little clumps of dog-toy fluff are covering the living room floor.

Ron's working all day and has a meeting tonight. I couldn't figure out a plan for my day last night, which usually leaves me in a panic. And my therapist/psychiatrist, fondly referred to as Dr. K, is leaving the country next week and I will have zero contact with him, even if there is an emergency.

Still, at this moment I'm ok. And that is a very new feeling. I'm enjoying being on the couch in sweatpants, surrounded by the stinky pups. Even though I'm having a pain day already, and a few things are totally devastating me at the moment, I am listening to Stevie Nicks and being myself.

I started being myself, my Real-Catherine-Self a few weeks ago. At least with R. And it has totally changed everything. We are so much closer, we are both happier, we connect and have way more fun. It's amazing and I don't really know what else to say other than that it is revolutionary.

I don't want to tell you to be yourself. Everyone says that, every typography poster says that, but the ease of two words is not the reality at all. It has taken me 30 years to finally let my 'myself' peak out, and I've been trying. I've been in therapy for over eight years with the goal of being myself. And really, I didn't know what 'myself' was for a long fucking time. So goddammit, don't throw 'be yourself' around like it's a little balloon of fun and loveliness. It's hard and awful and scary as shit. But in the end it's totally worth it.

I just want to say being yourself/myself is awesome. It was (and still is) worth the work. And that is revolutionary.

xoxox, C


  1. Your "I started being myself" made my week better. It's so true, and so difficult. I still feel that I have to alternate between who I am, and who certain people think I am. I am far less inclined to do that now, especially in discovering that the people I act for don't recognize and accept who I actually am and so aren't people I need to be placing at the top of too many lists. But it's not easy. Worth it though, you're so right. The journey has been bullshit, especially in the last year (I have learned a LOT about myself in the last twelve months, and have grown as a person, into a person I love.), but at the same time? It's amazing. You're right. It's revolutionary. ...and this is one of my favourite blog posts. Ever.

  2. "don't throw 'be yourself' around like it's a little balloon of fun and loveliness. It's hard and awful and scary as shit. But in the end it's totally worth it."

    You nailed it. Another one I have trouble with is "love yourself." I've hated myself for so long that that phrase didn't even make SENSE to me. Now, though, I'm getting it… but it's not a concept that can be conveyed in two neat, pat words. Absolutely not. I am happy to hear about your selfing, though, and how it's improved things with R. I bet it has.

  3. Ah, your new font doesn't register when I capitalize things for emphasis. Oh well.

  4. I love that. I've also heard that your 30's are the best because that is when you are finally comfortable enough to let yourself out and know who you are. I can't wait to be 30.


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