anniversary gal

Ronald and I celebrate our ten year anniversary on September 20th! Pretty exciting if you ask me! We are going to the beach where we got engaged. The ocean is our favorite place, at least it's mine by far. I already have my outfit put together. I knew I wanted a floral crown for sure, and found this rose one that is perfect and fits my giant noggin just fine. Then I decided to go all out floral and colorful. That sweater is amazing! I haven't tried it all on together, but I'm pretty sure it will work. I am going to try it on this weekend, so excited! 

I also am getting a ukelele! It is being delivered Tuesday and I can't wait! I am going to learn a song to play for my sweet fella at the beach! He is going to play me a song on his guitar too. We are also going to have a bonfire and make smores. I have some little things I want to make like hand-held heart flags, and a little ten year flag to use as props in photos. I'm also going to bring a disposable camera as well as my DSLR. I am so giddy and just want to make things fun and cute.

We are debating what to do about gifts. The traditional gift is tin or aluminum, we are thinking of expanding it to anything made of metal. One idea I had was to get tattoos. A metal needle is used, and it goes into our skin which is kind of awesome and romantic. We both have a tattoo we want that represents something we want to be so it could be perfect. Only thing is, tattoos cost moneys-is and we aren't sure it's the right time. We'll see...

I'm going to make a cake to have at home. R and I make (or buy) cakes for basically every major holiday. Valentines, Halloween, Christmas, and of course our anniversary. Any excuse for cake is a wonderful thing. In fact, there is a cake on the kitchen island now that I made just because I felt like shit (and that shit is good!). Anyway, I'm searching for a recipe for our anniversary cake. Have looked online but haven't found anything I love so I need to find my cookbooks to get some inspiration.

Anyway, all this love stuff is very lovely, but I need to get on with my morning. ;)

Wishing my loves (that's you) a happy day, C

p.s. kind of hiding how shitty I feel with this post, but I guess that's ok, and there is only so many things I can say about feeling like shit anyway. 



Hello Dears,

Things have been rough going this week. I'm tired and feel like shit every day. Sometimes I don't know how I get through it. I've been getting through it for years, and since chronic pain joined the party last year, it's become even worse. I seriously feel like a giant boo-boo each day.

I can't get a restful nights sleep for the life of me. I am so stressed and anxious. I don't want to sit still because then I think about how horrible I'm feeling internally, so I keep moving and then end up paying for it physically. It all feels like too much.

I seriously have been trying to figure out how I can get more constant care, I mean like a nanny type of care. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous but I really wish there was a way to get more support on a day to day basis. I have been trying to think of ways Ronald could work from home full-time, so he can help me, but then I remember he will be working from home so it wouldn't be all that helpful.

The other thing I have been thinking about is how nice it would be to have my friends live close by and be able to get together a few times a week during the day. It would be nice to talk to someone and have company more often. The main problem with this is I get anti-social so often and mostly want to hide out and be alone.

Anyway. I am going to get off my ass early this morning and organize my closet. It has been probably 6 months or more since I've cleaned it out. Almost all my clothes are on the floor and my shoes are thrown everywhere. Not fun. So here goes...

Love, C


Le button

Hi dollies!

Hooray! I finally added a blog button! Feel free to add it to your blog and spread the word!

It's been a bit quiet around here. My head is sort of spinning from life and I have been sitting down to write a post and then finding I have nothing to say.

Soon I will be sharing snaps of our newly decorated and painted bedroom, and some decorating ideas. I also want to share all the books I want to read (not reading at all right now which feels awful). Oh, and I will share a collage or two from magazine clippings.

Anyway, hip-hip-hooray for blog buttons and Tuesdays! Tuesdays are kind of shitty, but let's be happy coffee exists, and puppies and kittens too.

xx, C


Friday wrap up

The week in review:

1. I knocked over a metal sign at Starbucks. I was so embarrassed and almost started crying once I left. Yeah, I'm that silly.

2. One day this week it was 103! But it's been cooling down so nicely at night that I'm able to fall asleep next to our open bedroom window listening to the wind rustle the leaves of the huge tree in our front yard.

3. Our pumpkin patch is really growing. We have three pumpkins that are huge and ripening fast and one already off the vine resting on our dining room table. Don't ask how we have a pumpkin patch, we have no idea. We do know that for Halloween we are going to have the most sincere pumpkin patch so the Great Pumpkin will pay us a visit! ;)

4. I've been sitting out in the backyard some mornings. I love watching the dogs stare suspiciously at the squirrels walking the telephone wire, and how Amelia and Cricket run around like bandits. Also, Isabelle went to the groomer yesterday and looks smashing. 

5. We decorated our living room walls Saturday and I'm totally in love. I still have to do all the tabletop decoration and there is a ton of clutter, but I will post some pictures soon. One wall is a family wall. It has a picture of R and I, pictures of dogs that remind us of our pups, and some other art that portrays who we are and want to be.

6. I had a fibro flare up. It was pretty bad, and I'm still dealing with a lot of pain. Especially tension headaches and pain in my legs. I'm using peppermint aromatherapy oil and it actually helps relieve some of the tension.

7. I found out I have a UTI (I will use another acronym here: TMI...sorry). I've had it for weeks and just didn't realize it, I'm on strong antibiotics, and can't drink alcohol or eat anything dairy. Good thing I went to the market yesterday and stocked up on greek yogurt and cereal...whoops.

8. I've decided to transform our dining room into a sunny art studio. It will still be able to function as a dining room for a dinner party or if Ron and I want to have a little dinner for two. We will add the extra leaf to our round dining table and it will be nice to have space to spread out when I paint. I have an easel, and I'm going to move in a bookshelf to store stuff (possibly my bubble gum pink one from Ikea, which will look crazy cool against the mint walls), and I will change the curtains to my favorites which I happen to have an extra pair of. So excited! My plant collection is in that room on a table in the sun. Those plants are my babies so it will be nice to see them more often than when I just happen to walk in the room to let the dogs outside.

9. My therapist/psychiatrist wants me to start making and selling my art in some way. How cool is it to have a doctor that actually encourages me to be an artist?!?! I'm going to bring in a portfolio of some of the things I've made or ideas of things I want to make. I am super nervous to sell stuff, but I think I can challenge myself to make more things. I have so many ideas in my head, it's kind of nuts. I don't know if I can succeed at all the things I want to do, but I can try.

10. I've started planning our anniversary celebration. It's our ten year and we are going to go to the beach where we got engaged. We are going to renew our vows. I'm quite excited, and have a ton of ideas brewing. I'm also going to bake us a special cake. Not sure of the recipe yet, but should be fun.

How was your week?

Love, C


losing color

In the midst of a fibromyalgia flare up. It's really not fun. Especially because I don't have a primary care doctor, or rheumatologist that gives a shit or has any interest in treating my fibromyalgia. So I can't contact any dr. to get help during a flare up. I have been put on a basic pain medication and that's it. Luckily, my psychiatrist is awesome and has put me on Lyrica which has helped my pain a lot.

I am actually going outside my insurance coverage for care after trying over three doctors for treatment of my fibromyalgia on my current insurance. The thing is, it is really hard to get an appointment with a good doctor. I made an appointment to see a rheumatologist in the beginning of July and my appointment isn't until September 26th! I've called some other doctors and they aren't accepting new patients. I really just don't know what else to do. I can't believe it is this difficult to get proper care of a chronic pain condition, it's crazy!

I still haven't come to terms with having fibro. I want to pretend I don't have it. I push myself way (way) too hard. I do things no matter how much pain I am in because I know they need to get done. I don't like having limits. I don't like asking for help, or being able to not do something, so I push so damn hard and I end up paying for it later. I seriously won't stop doing things until I physically can't do them, and even then I still do too much.

I currently can't do much of anything. It sucks so much. I am so frustrated and sad. So the kitchen is a mess and the entire house is cluttered. I can hardly shower and we don't have a bathtub that works well enough to use on my own. On top of it all, I have prescriptions to fill, appointments to go to, calls to make, and grocery shopping. How do people do this? I seriously need a nanny.

Love, C


Crazy Cricket

Holy moses! This Cricket-girl is the craziest, sweetest, most well-behaved, kissiest, stinkiest, silliest, slithering, smiling, long-legged monster dog on earth! She is such a puppy even though she is almost two years old. She pounces and bounds, eats anything off the floor (plastic, cloth, sticks, dryer lint), takes up every inch of space her 30 pounds can possibly take in the bed, and is both scared and brave at the same time.

When we first rescued her she was terrified of everything but me. I was her safe thing. Then she met our other pups and our black lab Amelia started taking care of her like a mommy-dog would. It was/is so cute! Cricket is gaining more and more independence. She still gets scared a lot but is doing better at facing her fears.

I can't believe we have had her for almost a year! She looks so much happier and healthier compared to how she looked in my introductory post from last year. To be honest, things were bumpy for a while once we got her. We would never ever give her up, but we were really struggling and didn't know if she would ever be rehabilitated from her past (we have no info on her past but think she was abused). Now she fits in our family swimmingly and I could not imagine life without her.

Aww Cricket! I love you and your slobbery kisses!

xx, C


morning things

I am most productive and yet most depressed in the mornings. I don't know how that works. I think I get to doing things to avoid how unbelievably sad I feel. 

Things are still really up and down. I have a few good moments followed by a sudden onset of suicidal thoughts or really awful anxiety, and then I start to feel better again.

Yesterday R got me flowers on his way home from work. They are gorgeous and he is the sweetest.

He is with me this weekend which is wonderful. We are going to decorate the house. Since we have painted we haven't put anything on the walls, so it's way overdue. 

Anyway, it's time to get the day started.

Love, C


And then I got to take a breath

Holy shit, things feel a little (lot?) better. On Monday my doctor put me on a stimulant medication in hopes it would boost me out of this bout of depression. Tuesday night I started thinking about ways to decorate the house, I hand't thought about anything other than how horrible I was feeling and killing myself for well over a week. I woke up this morning feeling like there may be a point to this whole living hubbub. It's such a relief to have a break from my depression. That was one of my worst bouts ever.

Anyway, hopefully things will get a little brighter around here...

Love, C


"Lord, blow the moon out please"

It's really hard to sit here and write a post. I am trying to get back to my normal routine as much as I can even though I am at one of the worst points of my life. Seriously darlings, it's excruciating. Last week we upped one of my anti-depressants, and yesterday I was put on a stimulant medication that will hopefully propel me out of this darkness.

The stimulant makes me feel really nauseas, like I think I will lose my record of not throwing up for a few years kind of nauseas. But hey, if it helps me feel like I want to live just for a minute I will gladly puke.

In therapy we talked about how I need to mourn the fact that I had a bad childhood. When it hit me that I can't change the past, I totally lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Only for a minute because you know, I'm that gal who holds it all in until I'm suicidal.

Then we talked about how I need to be the tough girl I actually am. I hide myself so much. I hide behind meekness, shyness, and being overly kind. The thing is I am kind of a bitch. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, or that I am not a good or kind person at heart. But for reals, I give people a pass so much of the time it makes me feel sick. I take on the blame and guilt of other peoples actions. I let other people control my life and make me feel stupid, incapable, and unworthy. I take being ignored, being second place, being an afterthought. I'm sick of doing that. So sick, that i'd rather kill myself than take it any longer.

The reason I haven't started being myself is that I have a huge fucking fear of abandonment. I feel like if I am left on my own I will die. So how do I guarantee not being abandoned? I just give into every single stinking person in my life. I'm so tired of doing this, it's killing me. And yet I can't bring myself to be honest and say what I want. I struggle with it so much that when I try to be myself even in a small way I stumble over my words and even lose my voice, I have panic attacks, and then when I end up saying it I sugar-coat it so much that it ends up falling flat.

If the people around me knew what I really want, who I am, all that shit, I think they will seriously freak out. Oi moi, just thinking about it makes me feel anxious as hell.

Anyway. I'm going to try because what's there to lose? I'm going to either be abandoned and supposedly die, or I'm going to kill myself. At least with the abandonment there is a chance I might end up living after all.

Good luck to me, and all those clever statements that really don't mean anything.


p.s. I did my hair today and took a shower before 5 p.m.! I tried putting my hair in a top-knot. I don't know about it and think I need longer hair, but it's something.



Hello Darlings,

Things have been really tough this last week. My depression has been coming back and now it is at its worst again. My mind is plagued with morbid thoughts, I'm terribly anxious, and so sad I can't even express it.

I keep writing posts about how I am feeling but they don't make any sense and I just don't feel like sharing. I've been a loner and basically only want to be with Ronald or by myself. I guess I feel like that a bit online too. I don't even write emails any more.

But I'll be back here eventually, I'm sure. You know me, I keep going. Not always sure why, but I do.




Some changes are happening in our little life. Nothing huge, but change nonetheless. Here is a list.

1. Ronald and I switched sides of the bed so I can snuggle up to him better while we watch a show before bed.

2. We painted our bedroom a pale minty blue. It looks awesome!

3. R and I also switched cars. I was using our Lexus SUV and he was driving a Chrysler 300. We talked about it yesterday and realized a switch would be smart as he teaches classes all over the bay area and often has to bring loads of equipment for the training so an SUV makes way more sense for him. For me, the Chrysler 300 has heated seats which helps my back pain a lot. The Chrysler 300 has so much power, it's insane. I still have to get used to driving it without being a speed monster.

4. We totally have a pumpkin patch in our backyard! One is already ripe and is sitting on our dining room table. We named him Butt-y because its shape seriously looks like a booty! I know we are very immature...We have three more pumpkins growing too! They should be ready for Halloween! We never planted pumpkin seeds, we don't water our lawn as it is all weeds, but somehow it just happened.

5. The end.

xoxox, C



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Hi Loves,

Life has slid back down to dark pretty quickly. It seems like I had some ok days last week and then Friday it all collapsed in an instant. I don't want to go into details, but it was really bad. I have depression as well as borderline personality disorder, and both have been really intense lately which means I am fighting on two fronts. There isn't a word to describe how exhausted I am.

This post from Jes of The Militant Baker (one of my favorite bloggers by the way) has reminded me about my issues with BPD and has put many of my behaviors in perspective. It was so weird to wake up and read something that was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me feel a lot less "crazy".

I'm trying so hard to keep going, and I'm not going to stop. Even though dealing with it is the worst thing ever. Lately I have struggled a lot with the idea that I am not good at anything. That I have no skills. It's weird how a single thought can get drilled into your brain and play over and over, like a bell ringing non-stop. The thing is, I am not lucky enough to have just one thought drilled in this old brain of mine, I have dozens. My brain looks like swiss cheese with all the drill holes. The thoughts ring and boom, and crash and cry out to me. They tell me to kill myself, that I am ugly, fat (and that is a bad thing), a horrible sinner bound for hell, inhuman, flawed, a bad wife, a bad friend, a lazy bitch.

I'm sick of hearing these things over and over and over and over. I want to stab and kill each thought individually, I want to make them pay. I want to beat the shit out of them.

So here's to trying, here's to another day on earth--rotten thoughts and all.

xx, C

p.s. - I am getting a ukelele in the near future. Can't wait!