wake up time

Amelia napping.


Above the mantle.

I love this vase so much!
Found it at Anthropologie.

I've always had this in my must own record list. So excited to have found it this week!

I'm in love with this perpetual calendar
Found it at Target for $9.99, the same one is at Urban Outfitters for $30!

More flowers.

And more... 
When I bought them at the market a lady asked me how many bouquets I was going to make for a party. I had no idea what party she was talking about! So I told her I put them around my house so every day is a party. Hope I didn't sound like a crazy bitch. ;)

My sweetest on earth mother-in-law bought me this purse for Easter. 
I absolutely adore it and can't wait to use it! It's perfect for holding all the things in my purse 
as well as a book or journal when I go to coffee.

Ideas for the day.

Morning Darlings!

It's Friday which is always a good things. Ronald is taking next week off so our "staycation" starts tomorrow! I am so ecstatic to have some time with my sweetie! We are going to be vacationing at home  for most of the week, but we are also heading out to Monterey for two nights which will be perfect. The beach is such a healing and calming place for us, so I'm sure it will be really refreshing. 

While in Monterey we are going to bundle up in hoodies and beanies and sit on the beach one night which sounds magical. I can't wait!

Today I'm going to try to do some crafting. I overdid it physically yesterday (still trying to define my boundaries with my fibromyalgia), so I need to not be too active. If I make something fun I will share it on here.

What are you doing this weekend? I hope something lovely!

xx, C


it's okay

I talked to my doctor yesterday afternoon about my test results. He told me everything came back fine. I was so relieved and shocked! For some of the tests that were wonky he told me I was right on the borderline so they came back positive, but with all my other test results it showed nothing else was going on. I wish I was contacted sooner, but it is what it is.

I was expecting the worst so to hear things were okay was such a weird feeling. I was so happy but also so grumpy from all the tension I had been holding in. I still feel like I need to let go of some of the stress I have been holding over it.

Obviously, I still have fibromyalgia. But at least it will not affect my life expectancy! 

Speaking of fibromyalgia-- I totally overdid it today. I did little compared to what I used to be able to do, but for the fibromyalgia-me I did a lot. I ran several errands and by the time I got home I just had to lay down and rest. While trying to rest, my legs started hurting horribly. Lately my legs and hips have been the cramping and aching a lot. Now my legs are killing me! I can only walk around slow and all bent over. I have a heat wrap on my knee so I hope that will help for tomorrow because I can't really extend it fully. 

Anyway, I am so glad things are ok and that I know what I am dealing with health-wise. I still can't believe it is all ok and am so happy!

xx, C



So I have a phone appointment this afternoon to find out what all my wonky test results mean. Yesterday I received two more test results that were not good. We'll see what the doctor thinks.

Needless to say I'm super nervous and tense. I've been a total wreck actually. My mind keeps ticking through what it can mean. I know I need to not worry or stress but that is easy to say and hard to do. Especially when I have issues with racing and repetitive thoughts. I hope I will get at least a glimpse as to what the doctor thinks and not just that he wants me to come in for more tests.

Other than that, my head is totally blank. I've been going out whenever I am alone and walking around shops for hours and hours, just to get me thinking (or trying to think) of something else. I also haven't been able to eat much during the day. I just don't feel like it, but then I end up dizzy and nauseas in the afternoon.

I don't know what else to do or really say about the situation. I always thought I would be healthy. I thought treatment resistant depression and fibromyalgia were the worst it would get at least until I was older. That may not be the case. Weird that I am actually missing the idea that I had fibromyalgia, when that alone is a debilitating illness. I think what is coming next will be worse, actually, I'd bet on it.

I want to go run and hide from everything like a scared mouse. The only problem is I can't run from my thoughts. Maybe there is a way to unhook the brain? Or at least in my dream world there would be.

So I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. And damn. Waiting for bad news is the fucking worst.

xx, C



Hi there, darlings. I have a few updates-es. So without further ado...

I have started eating gluten again. It has only been two days but I am feeling fine so far. It's so nice to have more options of things to eat! The first thing I had was some thin crust pizza, it was like heaven!

I am going to dye my hair black again after three months of growing it out. I was growing it out all that time in order to go to a different color but changed my mind once I started to miss having it black. So this whole time my hair has been a a bit of a mess. I'm excited to dye it black again this week!

I had a bunch of blood work done last week. A few of the tests came back abnormally. I have been super stressed about this as one of my doctors is out of town so hasn't been able to explain the results or what the next steps are (probably more tests). He is out until Wednesday. But another doctor said he would call me when he gets back, which worries me even more as Kaiser never calls about lab work unless something is wrong. I have been a mess this weekend. I'm trying so hard not to worry too much but it is always in the back of my mind.

But today there is nothing I can do to make Wednesday come faster. So I have to try my best to take it slow and be okay in the unknown.

That's all I can really say right now...wish me luck.

xx, C


diminish and expand

Things feel kind of old and dwindled around here today. Yesterday was full of so much hope. I have made some huge strides in my personal growth and I was so excited about life and so proud of myself. Like crazy proud. But today I'm in a slump. It seems like when something good happens a bumpy thing comes along and tries to take it away.

I'm not going to let that happen though. I'm going to hold onto my progress and not let it be belittled or taken away by the bumpy monster of depression and self-doubt. So yeah, that's something.

It is a dim sort of day regardless. Outside the sun is starting to twinkle through tufts of clouds, it glows through the curtains unsure of itself. Never knew the sun could be so self-conscious.

My fibromyalgia pain has been steady and strong. I think I'm getting used and settled with it, if that is ever possible. It's less of a shock when I hurt all over, when the pain doesn't go away...basically ever. I'm restructuring my life and listening to my body.

This is hard because I used to push. No matter what I would push. My whole life I have pushed. Pushed through childhood, through a life of melancholy and depression. Of desperation, feeling lonely, abandoned, all that so much-ness of my history. I pushed both emotionally and physically. It didn't matter if I was sad, I kept going. It didn't matter that all I could think of was killing myself, I kept going. It didn't matter if I was so sad and all I could do was cry, I just kept going.

In the same way, I never thought about physical pain. Never gave it a glance. Just pushed through. I have so much emotional stuff to go through so whether carrying something hurt my back or not didn't matter, I just did it, physical pain was the least of my worries.

But now I can't do that. Pain that gets me on my knees has to be addressed. I have to slow down, I can't treat it the same way as my depression and just barrel through full-force. I have to learn how to have a care and gentleness toward myself. This does not come easily for me as I am a forever-long self-hater. I also hate being told I can't do something physically, or feeling weak. I am not weak emotionally. I know that no matter what anyone may think or say, I am a fighter. I acted the same way physically. But now I can't even carry in groceries. Lordy is that a fucking wake up call.

I have lists of things I want to accomplish. Ideas and hopes and plans. But most days I can do none of it, and a good day is when I can do one thing out of the hundreds of things I want to do on a monthly basis. That is a new reality. That is a new way of living. It's disheartening. But it also is. And that is where I'm at. I have to live my life now, not wait until I get better. Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness. There is no cure. Depression is the same way, really. Once you are diagnosed it is in your brain's permanent record. It won't just be cured. It will always be a lurker. Even if it goes away, there is always a chance it will come back.

So I have to live now. I have to downsize. Realize my limitations and what I can do and learn to be okay with it. I can't keep waiting for a cure that may never come. I have to just get to living. And I am going to do it...so here goes.

xx, C


Thurs. Fri. Sat. Sun.--day

I'm even more crazy about making lists since I am mostly in bed or on the couch 
these days and can't really do much. I easily make 2 to 3 lists some days.

Cranky face in my car at the Target parking lot as I was trying to convince myself to work
through my pain and run my errand.

Morning in bed feeling shitty and watching Alfred Hitchcock's Torn Curtain
Paul Newman and Julia Andrews are dreamy.

Making gluten-free corn bread (that tasted yuck!). I escape to the kitchen whenever I have
A relief from the pain. I love being in there and baking, cooking, or taking care of plants aren't
too hard on my body.

Comfort coop cage free eggs. Seriously these were the best eggs I ever bought! 
Cracked so easily and were super fresh. Plus they were cheaper than my normal brand!

Date with Ronald. Taking a photo and trying to hide my face don't really go together.

Ronald promised me he would stay with me forever if I gave him a Chipotle tortilla chip.
I had to take a picture for evidence!

Pretty coffee.

Sunday morning we bought a meyer lemon tree. It already had a lemon!

Ranunculus blooms are all over the house. I love their floppy goodness.

Looking through old texts between Ronald and I.

Isabelle has been so photogenic! Usually she hides from the camera.
I think it's the new haircut, she knows she's looking like a star! ;)

Cricket and fallen camilla petals.

I told you I loved these flowers. 

Camilla bloom.

This one reminds me of a swinging skirt and I want one.





Image found here
There are so many things I want to do, but only a handful of energy and pain-I-can-work-through-ness in every day. It really is frustrating, devastating, sad.

I took for granted having physical strength and having little pain my whole life. Now that I can do very little, I see how amazing being physically healthy is. I miss jumping, walking at a normal pace, dancing around the house to a good song, being able to be hugged without hurting, walking up stairs, doing the dishes, and giving our pups baths on Saturday mornings. It's one of those things we all take for granted until we can't do it anymore. 

Today I want to redecorate my desk, clean off the dining room table, cook and bake, and do laundry. I honestly don't know if any of these tasks will be accomplished as this morning my pain is almost unbearable. But we'll see.

I wish I felt good. I wish I didn't just have ideas, but had the energy and resources to create and do the things I want to do. 

love, C



A lovely Saturday jaunt to the farmers market with Ronald.
I love that the trees are scuttling to life, and how blue the sky is!

Red potatoes from the farmers market for lunch.

Amelia begging for said potatoes. She fell asleep like this too!

Saturday night I cleaned off the island so I could set out my collection of cookie jars.
I didn't realize I had an actual collection until I set them all together!

I also put flowers on the window sill to cheer the place up in the evenings. 

Isabelle at Grammy and Grampie's house on Sunday.

Isabelle today in bed looking like she has dentures. I think this is the cutest picture ever!

Cricket's smile-face. She is such a happy little pup!

Boxes of daffodils at the market.

One of my favorite tiny prints that I found at a thrift store years ago. 
Still trying to figure out where to hang it.

Hello Darlings, it's been a while. I have a few thoughts that I want to share, we'll see if I can get them to make sense.

I blogged every day for years. Seriously, for about six years it was my routine to blog every morning. I loved it. I even had a few blogs at the same time and updated them all each day. I was passionate about it. My main blog(s) that I had for all that time were deleted due to a stupid mistake I made when I went to update some things (totally learned my lesson now), it was horrible. It was devastating to know so many of my thoughts were gone, all my work just disappeared. That was last March.

I tried to take it in stride and started blogging within a few days of losing all of the past blogs. For a while it worked. I felt good about this space. Then I stopped posting every day, and things went downhill.

Now I just don't feel like blogging anymore. When I'm sitting looking at the blank page-template I feel stuck in quicksand. I feel like I need to say certain things, or keep things in a certain light. I feel mired in my sadness, in memories of how hard things have been and still are. It just feels old here. It feels like I regurgitate the same thought/story/pattern over and over. Things start to get better and there are some positive posts, then suddenly I am deeply depressed and writing about how horrible life is. 

I have thought about how I want to have a space that reflects what I want my life to be, not just what it is right now. What my passions are rather than my feelings and life situation moment to moment. I want to inspire myself, to inspire others. I know this blog may encourage some, but I also want to encourage myself and be excited to sit and write something. I want my blog to be a creative outlet for me. I want to take more time writing posts and treat it as a creative pursuit and process, something that I really care about, rather than a haphazard mish-mash of thoughts.

So I am going to do it! I am going to create a new blog that is what I want. I am nervous as I don't know how I will handle pushing myself creatively (I have a lot of creative hangups, as we all do). I already have the name and blog address. The thing is I want to design it myself and...I have no idea how to design a blog! I know how to do the simple things, but I want to make my own template, buttons, all of it.

I am going to sign up for some e-courses for blog design. But I need photoshop in order to do all this and that costs $650 or I can use it for a year for $200 ($20 a month). That is still a lot of money! And we just can't afford that right now. But my little noodler is noodling about it all and I'm excited!

So stay tuned my loves, it will happen one day. Until then I will still be around right here with little updates.

xx, C


"to stop my shivers"

Cute little hedgehog and a pretty thrifted book. 

Up next: my crazy cranky gnome face (you have been warned!)

I look fucking awful but I don't really give a shit anymore. 
I don't know what to do about it. I don't even want to brush my teeth or shower these days.

My sleepy girls on our comfy mess-of-a-couch-nest.

I love this sparkly bunny. 

I hope I get the urge to paint again. It's been ages. I do love looking at my brushes though.

I know it looks like a bunny, but it's really a chickadee! -ok that was lame...
I love this! I got it at the grocery store and it chirps if you put it on your palm.
Isabelle loves it too, and ate one of it's eyes off! :(

Favorite nail polish at the moment. I want to put it on everything.

Little mushroom friends. No idea where I got these but I remember they were
expensive for what they were. Then one day I found a coupon
and went on a mushroom hunt.

Spinning top. Cutest thing ever! From Barnes and Noble of all places.

Box from one of my favorite perfumes from Anthropologie.
I love the box so much!

I bought this orchid at the grocery store and almost gave it 
to a lady putting her cart away. Then I felt silly and didn't.
I wonder if she needed it more than me that day?

Cautious and sly looking Cricket.

I de-cluttered and simplified our bedroom. 
The walls are a muddy green and we had dark grey curtains. 
It felt so dark and sad and just too much. So I added some color and edited a ton.

I put in white curtains with these vintage print sheer-ish ones from Urban Outfitters.
I love how it looks like old Miami.

Shelf above my nightstand with all my perfume and lotions. 
I'm trying to wear perfume more. I have a lot but I try to save it for special occasions
Which I think is silly. If I like the smell I should wear it just for me any time I want.

My beaded necklaces. My skin is so sensitive I can only wear gold-plated/sterling silver/or real gold necklaces, I have an allergic reaction to brass or other metals. I like all the color they add to the room.


Please don't be fooled into thinking my house is always clean. I'm very tactful in taking my pictures (notice how most are pointing toward the ceiling?). I would be mortified to have anyone over right now! The floors are seriously coated in fluffs of dog hair, the bathrooms are gross, the kitchen too, and it is so dusty and cluttered everywhere I look.  I just don't care about cleaning right now so this is how it is. Luckily, Ron is doing the laundry so we have some clean clothes (sweetie). I just don't want you all to have the impression that my house is perfect. ;)

Anyway, if you are reading this, I love you.