diminish and expand

Things feel kind of old and dwindled around here today. Yesterday was full of so much hope. I have made some huge strides in my personal growth and I was so excited about life and so proud of myself. Like crazy proud. But today I'm in a slump. It seems like when something good happens a bumpy thing comes along and tries to take it away.

I'm not going to let that happen though. I'm going to hold onto my progress and not let it be belittled or taken away by the bumpy monster of depression and self-doubt. So yeah, that's something.

It is a dim sort of day regardless. Outside the sun is starting to twinkle through tufts of clouds, it glows through the curtains unsure of itself. Never knew the sun could be so self-conscious.

My fibromyalgia pain has been steady and strong. I think I'm getting used and settled with it, if that is ever possible. It's less of a shock when I hurt all over, when the pain doesn't go away...basically ever. I'm restructuring my life and listening to my body.

This is hard because I used to push. No matter what I would push. My whole life I have pushed. Pushed through childhood, through a life of melancholy and depression. Of desperation, feeling lonely, abandoned, all that so much-ness of my history. I pushed both emotionally and physically. It didn't matter if I was sad, I kept going. It didn't matter that all I could think of was killing myself, I kept going. It didn't matter if I was so sad and all I could do was cry, I just kept going.

In the same way, I never thought about physical pain. Never gave it a glance. Just pushed through. I have so much emotional stuff to go through so whether carrying something hurt my back or not didn't matter, I just did it, physical pain was the least of my worries.

But now I can't do that. Pain that gets me on my knees has to be addressed. I have to slow down, I can't treat it the same way as my depression and just barrel through full-force. I have to learn how to have a care and gentleness toward myself. This does not come easily for me as I am a forever-long self-hater. I also hate being told I can't do something physically, or feeling weak. I am not weak emotionally. I know that no matter what anyone may think or say, I am a fighter. I acted the same way physically. But now I can't even carry in groceries. Lordy is that a fucking wake up call.

I have lists of things I want to accomplish. Ideas and hopes and plans. But most days I can do none of it, and a good day is when I can do one thing out of the hundreds of things I want to do on a monthly basis. That is a new reality. That is a new way of living. It's disheartening. But it also is. And that is where I'm at. I have to live my life now, not wait until I get better. Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness. There is no cure. Depression is the same way, really. Once you are diagnosed it is in your brain's permanent record. It won't just be cured. It will always be a lurker. Even if it goes away, there is always a chance it will come back.

So I have to live now. I have to downsize. Realize my limitations and what I can do and learn to be okay with it. I can't keep waiting for a cure that may never come. I have to just get to living. And I am going to do it...so here goes.

xx, C


  1. I have found in my own journey that it is so easy to be gentle with others when they are in pain (physically, emotionally, etc) but practicing that same kindness and gentleness towards oneself seems impossible some days. Being kind to oneself is the ultimate form of kindness, the biggest test.

    I suffer (and I don't use that word lightly) from depression-- not as much anymore, but occasionally I find myself tucking myself away into the corners of my bed-- hating myself for not living, but then I remember the quiet, kind voice that says.. "It's okay to slow down. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel pain. It's the body's way of reminding you that you are alive."

    Feel better soon!

    ryan @ www.welutzlove.com

  2. Wow. What a profound post. You are truly an inspiration (I can't say that enough). It's heart wrenching to think about how painful it would be to pick apart and analyze different things that keep you from being yourself (depression, FM) and then to decide that they each have unique symptoms and therefore they require unique coping methods. Very very inspiring and you're so brave.


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