So I have a phone appointment this afternoon to find out what all my wonky test results mean. Yesterday I received two more test results that were not good. We'll see what the doctor thinks.

Needless to say I'm super nervous and tense. I've been a total wreck actually. My mind keeps ticking through what it can mean. I know I need to not worry or stress but that is easy to say and hard to do. Especially when I have issues with racing and repetitive thoughts. I hope I will get at least a glimpse as to what the doctor thinks and not just that he wants me to come in for more tests.

Other than that, my head is totally blank. I've been going out whenever I am alone and walking around shops for hours and hours, just to get me thinking (or trying to think) of something else. I also haven't been able to eat much during the day. I just don't feel like it, but then I end up dizzy and nauseas in the afternoon.

I don't know what else to do or really say about the situation. I always thought I would be healthy. I thought treatment resistant depression and fibromyalgia were the worst it would get at least until I was older. That may not be the case. Weird that I am actually missing the idea that I had fibromyalgia, when that alone is a debilitating illness. I think what is coming next will be worse, actually, I'd bet on it.

I want to go run and hide from everything like a scared mouse. The only problem is I can't run from my thoughts. Maybe there is a way to unhook the brain? Or at least in my dream world there would be.

So I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. And damn. Waiting for bad news is the fucking worst.

xx, C

1 comment:

I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)