leading me now

It's been a while. I have been so tired and in pain that I haven't been doing much of anything. Since last night my left arm has been so sore that I can't lift it properly. It's basically useless and I can't do any chores or even shower . This morning I went out to run an errand but once I got to the parking lot and had to face being in public, I started crying and decided to just head home. It was a bad day. I cried most of the way home...

When I got out of my car in our driveway I saw a huge bird sitting on the telephone wire just staring at me. I tried to stay still and just looked at it. We looked at each other for a while. Then I grabbed my phone and took some photos. The bird just stayed there! I ran in the house and got my real camera and took the photos above.

I think it is a hawk. It let me get so close, chirped at me once, and even let me walk under it! It was a cool experience. I went inside and peaked out my window to see if it was there a few times. It stayed for a while longer, then I looked and it was gone.

I'm taking it as a sign that I need to be strong and courageous. And that maybe one day things will get better.

Once I feel a bit better. I will announce some exciting ideas I have for my creative/blog life. :)

xx, C


morning at home

I'm so tired this morning. I seriously cried my guts out yesterday (mostly in therapy). My eyes were so swollen and I had the worst headache. Crying is good but it's also exhausting when it goes on and on.

Today I have another therapy session. I also found out I have pretty big vitamin D deficiency. I have to take a really strong vitamin D pill once a week for 12 weeks, then get my blood tested again. Hopefully it will help my fatigue a bit. I also have to eat more dairy, which sounds awful.

I don't know why, but the idea of food has been grossing me out lately. There are a few things I like, but other than that food sounds yucky. Today I am going to make some gluten-free strawberry scones with powdered sugar icing, that sounds good and I hope they taste good too.

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day.

xx, C


and that is all there is.

I've been writing this post and then deleting my words for a few days now. I really don't have much to say other than sad things. But I guess that is ok sometimes. I wish my life was happier, that my blog was more bright. But I also want to be honest. I would rather be honest than have a sunshine-y blog. This isn't a judgment against any other blog. I love all varieties of blogs, I'm just saying that mine is...well this way, and mine, and that's that.

I have been in unbelievable pain these days. I email my doctor a few times a week now asking for pain medication increases, but they are so gradual that I am struggling through each day. Yesterday was one of my worst pain days ever. I could hardly stand even with being on the strongest dose of pain meds I could be on plus tramadol which is supposed to help when I am in severe pain. I was moaning and almost screaming as I changed into my pajamas in the afternoon as the pain was so intense. It's so hard to be in constant pain.

I'm basically surviving by a thread right now. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it is really, really difficult. I am so sad that my activity level has gone down so much. I used to be able to be up and doing things most of day, now I can hardly wash the dishes, or do a load of laundry.

It's so discouraging. I keep thinking that this is going to be my life from now on, and then I stop myself from going to deep into it. But really, it's going to be hard. I already started accepting that my depression would be with me no matter what, even if it is in the background. Now to accept fibromyalgia is just totally overwhelming.

I'm devastated. I know no one is guaranteed health. I thought with all I have been through I would at least have some good luck somewhere. At least be able to get pregnant, to have my depression be treatable, or be able to sleep through the night. But that isn't how it is. 

Yesterday I was looking back on a moment in 2006. I was in Vegas at a bar with Ronald and some close friends. I remember crying at the bar and saying that life was so hard and I didn't know how much more I could take. That I just wanted something good to happen. Well here we are almost seven years later and I'm hoping for the same thing. 

So I listen to music that tells me to keep going, and I hold myself together like cracking clay. And that is all I can do, and this is my life, and this is all there is, and oh my lord--don't let me think too deep or I will disappear. 

xx, C



My it will be okay journal. I write in it most days and list out why things will be alright.
I love this coffee mug!
My breakfast plate. I love circus themed things so this is perfect!
I had an ouch-ouch evening and night yesterday. My body turned into a cranky pain monster, everything hurt. Ron had to make dinner even though he worked a twelve hour day.

It's so discouraging being in pain. It really is preventing me from living a normal life...sigh. I just have to keep trying and also be gentle with myself.

I have been alone so much these days, I feel a little crazy. It's weird how I can adjust to being alone and hardly talking to anyone for such a long period of time. Other than a few short visits in passing, one therapy session, and Ronald's one day off, I have been completely alone for almost two weeks! I do not talk to anyone for twelve hours each day. That's a lot of silence! Oh well, and I guess I can say it's one of the few things I am good at.

So today the silence continues. But I'm kind of doing ok with it. There is so much I want to do around the house but I don't know how my body will cooperate pain wise. We'll see and pretend it will just happen magically.

xx, C


Sunday face

It's Sunday. Ronald is working which is no fun. I miss him so much, much, much.

I thought I would just do a catch up on nonsense post. So here it is.

A few things:

I found a gluten-free scone mix today. I'm going to put dried strawberries in it and make a sugar glaze for topping. Yum!

Above is my face. I like and don't like it all at the same time. My nose has a big freckle right in the center, silly nose...

Coffee is like the best thing to have in the afternoon and then in the evening: tea.

I love sparkle nail polish. It's sort of at the obsession level. The only thing I hate is that it's so hard to remove even with the strongest polish remover.


Wants (oh lord this is an expensive list):

a dishwasher--ours only cleans the bottom rack so I have to wash all the glass wear and tupperware in the sink every day. Bending over the sink kills my back, and my hands get super dry and sad.

A king size mattress and bed. Ok this is more of a dream than an actual want so far but we have a queen mattress and our 3 dogs sleep in bed with us too so it is so cramped! With my fibromyalgia it's so hard to have to stay in one spot for a long time, I get cramps and knots throughout my body and when the dogs are laying next to me I really can't move (they are good snugglers). This would be so insanely expensive though as we would have to get new sheets, and a new bed frame. Boo...

A new TV for our bedroom. The inputs are broken so we have our Apple TV cables rigged in with zip-ties. It's kind of funny but also annoying when the TV goes blank and we have to go jiggle the cables back into place.

Clothes! I seriously have so few clothes and a lot of my favorite things are worn out. I get so bummed, but one day...

Ballerina flats. I have two pairs right now but they are so old and stretched out.


Other news:

I want to redecorate a lot of the house. I don't really want to move around the furniture, just change the decor. I feel like things are so busy and I need to simplify everything. I'm so overwhelmed with how cluttered it all is. It doesn't help that things are a mess in general at the moment. I also need to clean out a lot of our storage areas. We have some storage but it just gets full of nonsense and isn't really functional.

I have so many ideas as to how to make things look fresher at home. But it just takes time and energy to get there. I haven't felt very creative lately and I really need that spark to get me motivated.

So I'm going to try this week to get decorating. Wish me luck!

xx, C


health and all that stuff

So let's talk about food. Since I've gone gluten-free my level of hunger and what I can eat has gone way down. I can seriously eat half or less of what I used to eat most of the time. I am not judging this positive or negative and please don't comment about any weight issues. None of this is about weight to me or losing weight, it is about health and I don't want to focus on my weight or size in any way.

The thing is I am having a lot of blood sugar issues due to the medication I am on. If I don't eat several snacks a day I get low blood sugar and lose all energy and feel faint. When this happens I run the risk of having a seizure which is scary. This is all due to my medication, and not because of an underlying health issue. The low blood sugar usually happens when I am out as I never think of snacking while I am running errands. I told my doctor about how I've been feeling and he gave me some advice as to what to do. He wants me to have a snack every three hours. The snacks need to vary between both protein and sugar. So juices, yogurt, almonds (he suggests that I eat 15 in one snack! I have no idea how I can eat that many), fruit, etc.

So now I am going to take snacks with me everywhere I go. I feel like a kid as I am going to bring a juice box, nuts, and fruit snacks which have a high sugar content. Kind of funny, and my purse is going to be stuffed! ;)

I'm trying to think of other things I can eat that sound yummy to me. I'm not much of a snacker and thinking of eating that much kind of makes me feel sick. But I will try. I think having juice will help a lot without filling me up too much. I love pineapple and orange juice so that's something.

Anyway, sometime all these issues are overwhelming. Seriously. Fibromyalgia is messing with every part of my body. I always thought it was just pain, but it is way more than that. Then the depression, then the gluten-free. Then all the side-effects from the piles of pills I take around the clock. Oi Moi.

Oh well...it is what it is.

xx, C



Me and my valentine.
Last years valentine cake.
Hello Darlings,

It's valentines day. Ronald is in the middle of a big work project where he has to work late every night and the weekends. I really miss that fella. He will be home late but we are still going to have dinner together. We are going to have chile verde which I bought at Costco and just have to warm up in the microwave...I know, super fancy and romantic. I'm also going to make a gluten-free valentine cake.

Happy valentines my dears! I love, love, love you!

xx, C


"hard time killing floor blues"

Life is eating through my tough obsidian shell. It wears a little down each day until my tender parts are fully exposed to the elements and even-keeled pecking of each moment.

And it happens every day. And every day ends, and begins again. I really am beyond words to describe what this all feels like. Right now it feels like the song Moon River. That's as close as I can get today.

I had a dream last night where I was slunk over on the floor sobbing as I explained to someone that loneliness is the worst feeling in the world and that it has been badgering me my entire life.

I don't know how to rest. To let down. To breathe out all this hurt I'm holding in. I do not feel safe enough to do this. Right now because I am alone. I think I need to be constantly with Ronald for at least a week in order to let it out without finding some creative way to kill myself. But even when I am in a safe place I hold it in out of habit and fear.

It's scary to delve the depths of my pain. It is easier and more steady to hold it in, like my under-water breath. But that is killing me. And I keep reminding myself of that, but sometimes I think I deserve it, and sometimes I think it is good, to end this daily suffer.

But for today I will hold steady. For Ronald, and three pups. For flowers, and the dew fragrance of morning. For coffee, and music, and that tiny spark of hope that still exists somewhere.

xx, C


some good things

these vintage photographs I found in an old scrapbook I bought for $10! These are a few of my absolute favorites.

How perfect to find this old picture of us in a stack of books this morning. Just in time for Valentine's!

It took me ages to find carnations, but I did and they are dreamy.

This little kitty doll makes me smile every time I look at it.

Some of my favorite art pieces cut out of my art history textbook back in 2001!

cute little goodies and a rabbit.

This book I found at a thrift store when I was sixteen.

This antique handmade doll I found at a thrift store yesterday for seven dollars. Her name is Virginia, as she totally reminds me of Virginia Woolf!

The amaryllis bulb I planted in January has turned into six huge blooms.

Our mantle with melty candles, and the valentine banner I made last week.

more amaryllis.  
valentine bunting (from a kids craft kit at Target).

kissy face.

a little Eiffel in my morning dishwashing view.

Pretty heart pendant.

Lots of flowering plants.

Record playing kind of morning.

One of my favorite mugs.

Bird drawing waiting to be painted.

Record I listened to with breakfast.
I have been gone from blogland for a while! This is seriously the longest I have gone without blogging in probably four or five years! I've missed this. I've missed you.

I hope your day is new and flowery. Cozy and warm. Musical and dreamy.

xx, C