and that is all there is.

I've been writing this post and then deleting my words for a few days now. I really don't have much to say other than sad things. But I guess that is ok sometimes. I wish my life was happier, that my blog was more bright. But I also want to be honest. I would rather be honest than have a sunshine-y blog. This isn't a judgment against any other blog. I love all varieties of blogs, I'm just saying that mine is...well this way, and mine, and that's that.

I have been in unbelievable pain these days. I email my doctor a few times a week now asking for pain medication increases, but they are so gradual that I am struggling through each day. Yesterday was one of my worst pain days ever. I could hardly stand even with being on the strongest dose of pain meds I could be on plus tramadol which is supposed to help when I am in severe pain. I was moaning and almost screaming as I changed into my pajamas in the afternoon as the pain was so intense. It's so hard to be in constant pain.

I'm basically surviving by a thread right now. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it is really, really difficult. I am so sad that my activity level has gone down so much. I used to be able to be up and doing things most of day, now I can hardly wash the dishes, or do a load of laundry.

It's so discouraging. I keep thinking that this is going to be my life from now on, and then I stop myself from going to deep into it. But really, it's going to be hard. I already started accepting that my depression would be with me no matter what, even if it is in the background. Now to accept fibromyalgia is just totally overwhelming.

I'm devastated. I know no one is guaranteed health. I thought with all I have been through I would at least have some good luck somewhere. At least be able to get pregnant, to have my depression be treatable, or be able to sleep through the night. But that isn't how it is. 

Yesterday I was looking back on a moment in 2006. I was in Vegas at a bar with Ronald and some close friends. I remember crying at the bar and saying that life was so hard and I didn't know how much more I could take. That I just wanted something good to happen. Well here we are almost seven years later and I'm hoping for the same thing. 

So I listen to music that tells me to keep going, and I hold myself together like cracking clay. And that is all I can do, and this is my life, and this is all there is, and oh my lord--don't let me think too deep or I will disappear. 

xx, C

1 comment:

  1. Oh babe :( So sorry to hear that the pain is so intense. I wish something could be done about it, it sounds unbearable.


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