Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Hello Friends. Life has been a weird bug and I feel really out of it but am trying to get myself pulled back together from the anxiety and depression I am experiencing. Hopefully this will make our trip better (we are leaving tomorrow). We will be gone for almost a week and I really want to spend some time taking care of myself and creating lots of lovely things. I will be alone for a few of the days so I am getting myself prepared.
I'm going to pack a lot of things to stay busy. Including watercolors, art journal stuff, regular journals, notepads, planners, cameras, and most of my favorite movies (Summertime, Julia and Julia, and Funny Face just to name a few). I also have face masks, nail polish and candles on the packing list. I think with some french music playing on my iPad I think it will make for a nice relaxing evening.
Do you travel well? I get so nervous on the plane, I used to have to take anti-anxiety medication, now I have more control and do ok. Do you like staying at hotels? It depends on the hotel for me. I have to feel safe, that is the key. If the doors open on the outside I usually don't feel safe, and I have to sleep as far away from the door as possible usually. I also unpack as soon as I get there or I feel out of place.
Excited to hear your answers!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Our house this morning. Our bed is on the floor in the living room as I have had one of those weekends where anxiety has me catastrophically in its lair and I am so run down from it, my feelings are kind of beyond words.
I look at the patterns in my hands, the little x's and crosses that make up a destiny, a life, something that is happening. Even now my hands are moving but I am detached, lost in a strange cursed-land. I try to make it 'til bedtime. Until my evening pills will bring me to nightmares, sometimes even that is a relief to the pain of being awake.
I think what gets me most is the amount of emotional turmoil I can have without dying from it. I mean, I can feel utterly dead/spent/lost and still my heart beats, my lungs expand, my eyes blink. I want to know how that is possible. How can someone go through so much pain and still be alive?
But I'm trying, trying so hard. Yesterday pushing myself to clean and organize cupboards and pantries, anything to get my mind moving out of this, then to a barbecue where I smiled even when I didn't feel like smiling. Sometimes I just have to fake it, because if I don't I will give up.
I can move so fast from being calm, contented, ok to the brash pits of doom. To this place where there is no light, where there is no hope but the thin string I hold onto. Its unbelievable. Really it is.
And I am here and so very sad, but I am still going.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Not having the best weekend so far. Nothing is particularly wrong, my mood just is flat and depressed. I feel like crying at every turn and feel rotten. I hate depression, sometimes I just hate who I am and how I can't always control my mood.
I know I need to be gentle with myself, and that depression is an illness not a character flaw but its still frustrating and sad and awful. Its like my brain knows it isn't me, but my heart doesn't totally believe that I am not just a major screw up.
Anyway, this afternoon R and I are going on a date and I hope that will help a pinch. We'll see...
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I've been feeling pretty darn pointless these days. I can't remember what my life is about, or what I used to do on a daily basis. It all feels flat. So I've been crying at night. Crying about this weirdness of living that is all around me. Crying about how I am "un-pregnant" as R calls it, after three years of trying. Crying for how the main reason I am still here often feels like dumb luck.
And now its morning again and the sun rises, and the flowers set on the coffee table and I wonder, so many wonders, at how life is so full and utterly empty at the same time. How I can feel as disconnected as an old drum yet still sit next to my darling. How unhappiness can seethe my soul into quiet submission and how the days click on, always clicking, whether I want them to or not.
Friday, May 25, 2012
I love blurry photographs. They are mysterious and make my eyes feel fuzzy as I try to put the image into focus. Above are a few I took last year that I am especially fond of.
In other news:
I have a sunburn on my back.
I have a tiredness body and soul.
I smell like soap and flowers.
My nail polish is chipped to all hell.
I am so sorry I haven't replied to comments or commented on your blogs.
I know it's not a lot but I am so happy to have nineteen followers, I truly am.
My house is clean and full of fresh gladiolas and purple tulips.
I need more coffee.
I'm trying to not be so hard on myself.
That's all for now. Have a happy Friday and three day weekend!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Here are some new additions to my wardrobe. I seriously love this little iPad backpack, I guess a lot of people loved it since it is no longer available for sale. I'm so glad I snatched one up. The gold coral branch necklace is something I found in Hawaii and I think it is just beautiful. I also love both pairs of shoes. Aren't the clogs awesome?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Remember how I was raving about our Fuji Finepix xp20 underwater camera? Well it crapped out on us and sprung a leak while on our last snorkel in the ocean. So we are hoping we can return it as we used it properly. I'm sad because I thought it was a nice little camera that took some good photographs. I was able to salvage some of the pictures off the memory card but can tell from the pictures that water had entered the camera so these aren't the best but they are kind of interesting to look at.
Water spots and brown feathers in my hair.
And again, I kind of like all the spots on this one.
Two gin and tonics with Beefeater gin.
Koi pond, I love the colors!
This swan was so funny and made the weirdest noises.
R at his birthday breakfast.
Strawberries with super thick fresh whipped cream.
Bubbles on our last snorkel.
Weird picture of me underwater, can you see my tattoo?
Coral and cute fish!
The water was so clear.
The bottom of the ocean. :)
We got home at midnight last night. Its nice to be home but getting used to the three hour time difference isn't easy. I have somehow already unpacked, usually that takes me days, but it is so nice to have it done!
I have a few more photographs to show but for now I will get back to the blog schedule. So here is some writing from January.
The thick legged doomsday prophet's nasal-voice
Reminds me life is worth living because it will end.
There is no boundary between us and the floating up tree,
Why can't I go to heaven, or hell and come back in a flit?
Hell long promised to me in some winsome dream is very proud
To have me in its bushel. I can't wait really--to burn alive (on some days at least).
Why is there a permanence to all this, a gravity? We can't float
Without some form of oil. The mucky stuff carrying us to the sky like so much gravy.
I want to float up and down away from myself, until I forget I ever was.
Until life becomes patient. A peddler with a small dancing monkey.
xx my darlings, C
Monday, May 21, 2012
This black swan is hilarious. He/she made me giggle so much as he beeps and chirps at the weirdest times.
Me the day we left.
Our hotel and the view.
The view outside our room.
Bracelets and freckled skin.
More of the view.
The view in the other direction.
My very tired and swollen feet (snorkeling is exhausting!).
My birthday boss and me.
Random picture R took of me.
It's R's birthday! He is 32 and I just am crazy about him. Today we went snorkeling, the current was pretty crazy but we saw a puffer fish, some cool coral formations, and a huge starfish! It was fun but also super tiring. I started freaking out at the end because even though I was swimming so hard I wasn't making an progress due to the current, luckily R was there to help.
Tonight we are going to go to a steakhouse and have a nice dinner and some yummy cake for dessert. We are hoping they have good cocktails too. Yum!
I crashed this afternoon and got super sad. I think because I am physically exhausted as well as going through a thing or two emotionally. After a nap and some rest time with my sweetie I feel so much better.
Tomorrow we go home. And although it is sad to leave, I think we stayed for the perfect amount of time. I think if we stayed much longer we'd get a bit bored and too tired to do much.
I can't wait to get home and see our dogs! I know its silly but I love them so much and can't wait to snuggle them. We found them turtle squeaky toys (yes, we are those people) teehee.
Anyway, now to get ready for tonight!