unedited morning

Our house this morning. Our bed is on the floor in the living room as I have had one of those weekends where anxiety has me catastrophically in its lair and I am so run down from it, my feelings are kind of beyond words.

I look at the patterns in my hands, the little x's and crosses that make up a destiny, a life, something that is happening. Even now my hands are moving but I am detached, lost in a strange cursed-land. I try to make it 'til bedtime. Until my evening pills will bring me to nightmares, sometimes even that is a relief to the pain of being awake.

I think what gets me most is the amount of emotional turmoil I can have without dying from it. I mean, I can feel utterly dead/spent/lost and still my heart beats, my lungs expand, my eyes blink. I want to know how that is possible. How can someone go through so much pain and still be alive?

But I'm trying, trying so hard. Yesterday pushing myself to clean and organize cupboards and pantries, anything to get my mind moving out of this, then to a barbecue where I smiled even when I didn't feel like smiling. Sometimes I just have to fake it, because if I don't I will give up.

I can move so fast from being calm, contented, ok to the brash pits of doom. To this place where there is no light, where there is no hope but the thin string I hold onto. Its unbelievable. Really it is.

And I am here and so very sad, but I am still going.

xx, C


  1. You're right. It's unbelievable. Tests resilience to the max. Big cuddles to you. x N

  2. Hello C

    Ur blog is very interestin', sorry to hear you have been feelin' so sad x I have bi- polar and totally relate 2 ur post. Hope u feel better soon x

    lv C x

    ( Carly )

  3. Thanks Nic, you're so sweet!

    Hi Carly, thanks for stopping by and for the comment!

    xx, C


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