"one step up and two steps back"

I've been feeling pretty darn pointless these days. I can't remember what my life is about, or what I used to do on a daily basis. It all feels flat. So I've been crying at night. Crying about this weirdness of living that is all around me. Crying about how I am "un-pregnant" as R calls it, after three years of trying. Crying for how the main reason I am still here often feels like dumb luck.

And now its morning again and the sun rises, and the flowers set on the coffee table and I wonder, so many wonders, at how life is so full and utterly empty at the same time. How I can feel as disconnected as an old drum yet still sit next to my darling. How unhappiness can seethe my soul into quiet submission and how the days click on, always clicking, whether I want them to or not.

xx, C


  1. I think being 28 must just be a hard year, because I totally feel you. I think it's because our thirties are creeping up on us, and we feel like we "should" be in a certain place by now. I always assumed I would be having kids by 28, and right now I can't even imagine having to take care of another human being. Things just don't always turn out like we thought, but that's not always a bad thing! Keep your chin up!

  2. Your blog so cute. And that photo is beautiful!


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