Insta Lady

Hi Loves! 

So I'm still a blogger but less so than an instagramer. I would love for you to follow me so we can connect! My username is garden_bebe (you can find a direct link on the sidebar). I'm so excited to get to know my followers more! I'll still post here too so keep an eye out!

All the good things to you (especially pizza),



some random things

This dog though!

1.) Instagram says I have used the hashtag #titsfordays. Yeah...not so much.

2.) I really love intelligent scary movies. Over the weekend we watched a foreign movie called Goodnight Mommy about young twin boys whose mom gets plastic surgery and is all bandaged up. The boys start thinking that she isn't really their mom and they torture and kill her. I know that sounds horrible, and it was, and I hate torture and especially movies that depict it, but it was a different take as I don't think the boys understood what they were doing. Anyway, it was freaky and it stuck with me. It's a movie I thought was really well made but I would never recommend it to anyone because it was sort of too much. So now I'm haunted by a movie...

3.) If you want to get something that will make your house smell amazing, get this Barr and Co. room spray. I've never tried the room spray but their candles are amazing. It's a signature scent. Think soap and cream, it's so fantastic and subtle. I have one of their candles lit now, and our living room smells live heaven (even with four dogs!). 

4.) I've been eating a lot of kids cereal. Cocoa Puffs for breakfast and Star Wars cereal for lunch. Over the weekend R and I went to Target and we basically filled our cart with boxes of cereal!

5.) I've recovered from my agoraphobia due to a new medication! It's so great. I can't wait to dress up and wear makeup (been a month and a half or more since I was dolled up!) I have some fantastic new dresses too. I want to go to my favorite bookstore, have some cocoa, and enjoy this cold weather.

6.) As you all probably know, our pup Cricket is sick. She has something wrong with her liver and we are still doing tests to see what it is. She is having very few symptoms which may be a good sign. Every day we go to the vet (today 3 appointments!), and it's so stressful, especially for her. She is my survivor and I'm a survivor too. We rely on each other so much. She has helped me through some of my darkest moments. R always tells me that if Cricket can get through all the horrible abuse and fear she has been through, I can get through too. It's so hard seeing her sick and especially not knowing what will happen next. We love her so much and that's all we can do.

7.) Are you excited for the holidays? R and I are so excited! This Thanksgiving we are on our own and here's our menu: 

smoked pulled pork (Ron spends hours making it and it's fantastic!) on Hawaiian rolls
garlic potatoes
roasted cauliflower and broccoli
sautéed peppers and onions


I love you. I'm here if you need support, just someone to talk to, or a love note! xoxox


Things I'm loving

I love this room. Kitschy and bohemian!

This meringue cake looks so good!


I love this tattoo. Want something similar that spreads onto my hands.

Another truth bomb for you.

Lastly, cute kitty.


Things I do when I'm sick

Little things I do when I'm depressed:

I don't throw things away because it seems too hard, especially floss (ew).

I can't leave the house unless R is with me (agoraphobia is the worst), I can hardly go in the backyard by myself!

I eat a lot of carbs and always have a 10:30 a.m. savory snack.

I drink a ton of water (this is a new one but a super healthy one!)

I don't squeegee the shower door. Ever.

I am religious about taking my meds which makes my doctor happy.

I don't take many photos. Sad Face.

I snuggle with my bright hello kitty, princess, or Frozen blanket. These blankets are very important to me. And I want different ones at different ones at different times. Serious business.

I go to bed at 7 p.m. and fall asleep around 7:30 or 8:00 (sleep is so important when your brain wants to kill you.)

I don't wear any makeup for weeks at a time. My skin is so much better but I miss makeup.

I don't wear regular clothes but I keep buying them (and lipstick!)

When I have nightmares I usually wake up and have a few M&M's and watch Seinfeld.

When I nap I watch Bob's Burgers.

I need noise all the time, but music doesn't work so I always have the tv on...so not me normally.

I wear Pajamas always and have special weekend pjs that I think are cuter but they always consist of sweatpants. 

I adore sweatpants because I'm super short so I don't trip over them, and uhm...they are the comfiest things on earth.



things I'm loving...

Love this quote!
Thinking of making this cake for Halloween.

These earrings are amazing!

This room is gorgeous! Whimsical and modern at the same time.

I adore magnolias. Such a pretty bouquet!


Things I love about Autumn


Pulling out the sweaters and boots that have been wrapped up since Spring and planning new cold weather outfits.

Rain. It's going to rain this weekend and I can't wait!

Turning leaves in gorgeous colors and crunching them under my feet when they fall. I always find a few beauties to press in my journal.

I am way more inspired to write in the fall. Summer is a dormant soul-creative time for me, but fall is when I wake up again.

Instead of iced coffee I can get a hot drink from Starbucks.

Halloween. The house is already decorated with little pumpkin heads!

Watching scary movies the whole month of October (love to be a little spooked!).

Knowing Christmas is around the corner. 

The house being cool and putting extra cozy comforters on the bed.

Waking up first thing and putting on slippers and my favorite fuzzy cardigan.

The sun shining at a different angle, creating new shadows and peace for me.

I get extra romantic in the Fall and want to slow dance with Ronald in our living room.

The house stays cool when I bake. All Summer it would make the house swelter. Today I'm going to make chocolate fudge cookies.

Drinking bourbon is all the more satisfying when it's cold out, and Ronald makes some amazing whiskey cocktails with honey and cinnamon sticks.

Painting my nails black and oxblood. Wearing dark red lipstick, dolling up and feeling sultry.

Candy corn. Melt-Away Pumpkins.

Carving pumpkins.

Making comfort food and finding new cold-weather recipes to try.

Dressing the pups up on Halloween. We usually have a Batman, and Harry as a taco!

Going to the craft store and getting so excited about crafts that I never end up doing. 

Wearing my new plaid wool skirt with tall lace up boots.

Tights from We Love Colors.

How beautiful nature's decay is and the promise that it will all return anew in the Spring.


Rain pour

"The most I can do is shower." I tell my therapist, sitting on that corner of that brown couch I've known for eight years. We've been through this depression. Years through the burrows and dark-dank caves. He changes my medication. He says we're moving forward, always moving forward, even when my illness isn't responding to shit. It's a stubborn depression, they call it treatment resistant. I call it hell.

I wasn't depressed for awhile. After ten years of being depressed, suicidal, paranoid-anxious constantly. When it lifted, it was amazing. Then this year came around like a slick sailor (the month of March to be specific) and took me back under. I've been depressed ever since. Face in the mud, sucking in shreds of air through worm carcasses and pebbles.

It's slimy down here. It's real dark. No one is here but me. I'm in a filmy membrane and the world is outside, moving and chugga-chugga-choo-choo. I can't function. I'm no train. I am bedridden. Our couch turned into a second bed so I can change my view. Agoraphobia is finally here. I can't leave the house unless R is with me. I can't sleep, but I do but I don't feel it just like in The Bell Jar.

I'm a nightmare fighter and we have plans. This new medication, my doctor says, "give it some time.". I'm giving it time and the time is unbearable because I want to die and my brain won't think of anything but darkness. Then if this doesn't work we have Lithium to go to (again). I hate that drug, it gave me the shakes, I have to get lab needles stuck in my wobbly veins, people ask what's wrong with me when they see me tremble and I don't want to tell them "I'm on a medication that is keeping me from killing myself." so I don't.

The next option is ECT. Yeah, that shocky thing. The thing Sylvia Plath got that didn't save her. Her tender temples, her brain scattered. I know it's different now but she is my baby and I live in her life and she in mine. I don't want to end up head-in-the-oven. If you want to know what depression is like, read her journals, it's all you ever need to know of the pain, and I hope you never experience this labyrinth of hell.

ECT is so much more effective and safer now. A small electrical pulse gives you a seizure and you are asleep and don't feel a thing. Doctors don't even know how it works, but it does so they use it. The only thing that shakes is your foot just a bit so they know when the seizure has ended, none of the out of control seizing with bruises and broken arms like in the past. ECT is extremely safe. It can even be done during pregnancy.

The thing is...stigma. If I get ECT I think "That does it. I am really crazy.". Even in the mental illness community being on meds means you are weak, therapy is "oh good girl, get that help", but meds are a crutch, try the green smoothie and exercise instead. And I am on so many meds. And I know it is bullshit. If I had cancer (and depression can be as deadly) no one would doubt me taking meds, actually they write articles in Time Magazine about cancer patients who don't, because it is so unbelievable. That's how normal it is. No one would doubt chemo. But ECT. A potentially life-saving treatment, "well fuck it all you are crazy!" You are Sylvia, and ice baths, and ready to be handed over to an institution. Stigma makes me angry. And I care what people think.

I wanted to talk about this because maybe it will help someone reading to know they aren't alone. I'm going through the same things and I don't know if I'll get through. I can't give up though and if ECT helps then I'll do it. Stigma hurts. Depression hurts. But fuck it, I'm not letting it kill me.


The Monterey Bay Mystery

We left the hotel without brushing our teeth. I was still in my pajamas, sobbing and breaking down. We threw all our clothes in the suitcase and headed home. We had plans for our last day of vacation in Monterey but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at the beach for one more second. It hurt too much.

Just a few weeks before our trip, we had decided to move to Pacific Grove, the lovely slow beach town next to Monterey. We had been dreaming of moving there for years. I was scouring houses online, we figured the commute would be tough for Ronald, but doable. The ocean has always been my lifeblood and so it would be worth it. All the time we would spend apart, Ronald in the car and me on the beach, seemed manageable. 

We were so excited when we left the house for our overnight stay. We knew what neighborhoods we wanted to drive through and all the places to explore. We had already spent time on Yelp, planning what Starbucks and restaurants we would go to when we lived there. We looked into the school districts and crime statistics. The drive was the only struggle, but we could do it, or so we thought.

By the time we arrived at our hotel, I knew we couldn't do it. My gut and heart told me it was too much. That night in a dark-lit restaurant we talked about it and decided the move was a no-go. Too much time apart. I actually felt relieved. I can't believe I felt relieved.

The next morning we snuck a glass bottle of champagne onto the beach and had mimosas in the cool morning with the waves swaying. My heart broke. We went back to our room and I started to cry. I told Ronald I had to go home, right now. I had to go home. I couldn't bear it for one more moment. We rushed out and headed home and I cried for hours. 

I'm totally devastated. We may move there one day, but not now and it feels like another dream I thought would work out didn't. I'm shattered. I've had too many of these moments for one lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if my life is just about loss. Then I see Ronald and I know I have one good thing to lean on. One promise. Those pups are pretty good too.

Now we are regrouping and resting through the holidays. Perhaps next year we will sell our house (which I have hated for years even with all the renovations and design projects), and start something new. For now I'll cry.


once I was a bookworm

It's been a long time.

I don't really know how I feel about blogging anymore. But I'm here writing a post now, so let's just take it one day at a time...

I sleep less and feel more. I need to start writing again. I need to pick a novel off the bookshelf and get reading. No novel sounds good, unless it's about Paris, but that hurts too. I don't really think about that as much anymore but it still hurts. And you have no idea what I'm talking about...Paris, of course! Croissants, and la vie est belle, and I need it.

I'm thinking about reading In Search of Lost Time by Proust but it's so big and scary I doubt whether my noggin' can handle it. I can try though. I used to read complicated books but since depression has taken over my life reading gets complicated. I miss my old bookworm ways, like a lot. When I read I worry about panic attacks, and all the anxiety comes in and it's real scary. I still love reading though, and usually it goes fine, so I can't give up.

I have to stop thinking about sad things and everything bad that could happen. But that's a big wish with an anxiety disorder and depression. This morning I woke up almost ok with being alive...almost. That's, as Donald Trump would say "biggly".

xo, C


watch me werk

It's really hard to move forward with your life when you are in a 3 month depression that doesn't want to leave, dealing with intense chronic pain from fibromyalgia to the point that you can hardly function, having sky-rocketing anxiety that isn't responding to medication, and a PCOS flare. Well, that's exactly where I'm at and I'm moving forward anyway.

Even though I may be stuck on the couch most days due to pain, I'm reading books that are helping me define who I am and find more happiness, I am also making jewelry that I hope to sell on Etsy and am enjoying being creative. On days I can stand and move a bit I doll up and go on solo self-love date where I grab a coffee and journal and then treat myself to a thrift store run. I also am slowly learning to bake (and burning things quite frequently), but not giving up! I water and care for the garden every day and am planning on creating a gorgeous rose garden, I love my life and even if it hurts I'm taking care of things. I am loving Ronald and trying to be more and more vulnerable and open with him (I hate being vulnerable HATE). I'm also reaching out and trying to make some new friends and I have intensive therapy sessions twice a week. I'm also returning to writing which is so hard and lovely at the same time. I've been seriously ill for 12 years now and I just want to move forward and live a simple and happy life.

Ronald and I have struggled so much. It's very isolating and we've lost a lot through this struggle. We are trying to take our lives back and get me better. Ronald is an amazing support for me. He has taken over all the chores while working 50+ hours a week, he comforts me and reminds me that my illness is just that, an illness and not a character flaw or who I am. I just adore him more and more. We have been married nearly 13 years but lately things feel so new between us. I think it's because I am able to see some light at the end of the tunnel so we have a new way to connect. It's exciting, it's scary, we keep moving. 

xo, C


in it

Sitting at the dining room table looking at all my houseplants set on my childhood dresser that was vintage when I got it second hand in the eighties. Outside sways my swing, three years old and falling apart. My favorite rest place in our house, one hundred dollars worth of happiness. It's breaking down, and sun damaged. On the mess of our deck are roses, peony, violets. Flower pots waiting to be filled with green treasure. Next to the deck, close and kissing, is our growing mimosa tree. Sprouted from nowhere, just for us. It's frothy pink blooms covered in bees, pollination at it's best. I try to settle and think of it all.

I'm struggling. As my therapist says I'm "in it". Depression is...lots of awful. I don't really leave the house during the week other than going to therapy. I am lucky if I shower. I sit watching a baking show over and over because it makes me feel calm and like I might be able to make something with my hands one day. I cry a lot and panic, even on meds, and wake up in the middle of my nightmare sleep so sad without knowing exactly why. Waking heartbroken and tearful in the night is even worse than waking from a nightmare sweating and racing. I get both, lucky me.

I'm past and present heartbroken. I think of past things. Saying goodbye to Lisbon and how I had no idea how that trip would ease my depression for almost a year. Crying all the way home, filling airports and airplanes with tears. Not knowing how lucky I was for a break or how the depression would come back in March. Only knowing I left a lot there. On those cobblestone streets from the 17th century. I found and lost myself and little bits of my heart are scattered across the world. No one knows but me.

I try to stay present. I meditate. Get to the market when I'm lucky. Today buying bunches of peonies like sweethearts. They say I'm making progress. Committed to getting better. Doing the best I can. Developing dreams for my life. I feel none of it. I feel failure and suffocation. Not all the time, there is some good, but goddamn I don't know if I'd do this again. 

Then I realize that isn't worth thinking about. I'm here and if they say I'm on my way, then I'm on my way.

xo, C



Ronald was out of town last week. It was a huge struggle having home gone. He is my best friend and I just love being around him. I also noticed something while he was gone, I was unapologetically myself. I was a badass bitch. My depression decreased and my confidence increased. Besides the loneliness and missing him, I felt great. This kind of freaked me out.

Then I realized that the reason I felt most like myself when I had a week alone was because it was easier to not fall into my old patterns that don't suite me anymore. I'm forging a new identity. I had this breakthrough just a few weeks ago, that I don't want my identity to be based on my illness. It has been for a long time, and I'm over it. I don't want the narrative of my life to be "I'm sick, but..." I want it to be "I am myself. I am whole." that is what I'm working towards. A fully congruent life, ruled and mastered by me. Full of experience, conquering fear, and helping others.

I'm really excited about what the future holds. I'm going back to school to get a Bachelor's Degree in European History (there is a lovely story behind this too, that I'll share at some point). I'm going to start volunteering as well. I'm also garden-girl crazy, planning my one day farmer's market florist stand (that I'm hoping I can turn into an entire business), and teaching myself to bake. All these things feel great. Moving forward feels great.

Identifying the patterns I was in that no longer worked was/is a hard process, but it really has helped me become more myself. What patterns are you in that no longer serve you? What can you do to be unapologetically yourself?

Until next time, xox, C



It's been almost a month since my last post. I've become pretty quiet this year, more cozy in my cocoon. It's not what I want so I am trying to open up more, hence this post. 

I'm still terribly depressed. Most days my biggest accomplishment is bathing before bed and brushing my teeth. I don't leave the house or wear more than pjs. It's really shocking how quickly depression can stop my life. I feel in a constant fog and the days wash together. I'm so sad, feel incredibly guilty and inadequate, and am extremely anxious.

All I really do is watch tv. When the tv is off I get super anxious so I keep it on all the time. I can't focus much on what I'm watching though, my mind races and nothing quiets it down, not even sleep. This is so horrible and I can't believe my depression is back and this bad. I'm so discouraged.

Yesterday I was able to clean the kitchen, and journal, two huge steps. This morning I am going to throw on some sneakers and take a walk at the park where R and I got married almost thirteen years ago, and then stop at the market. If I can pull that off I feel like I can get some momentum. I'm really hoping I can get back on my feet soon. I miss being myself.



Dear ones,

I haven't written an honest to goodness post in a long time. I've wanted to stay quiet about things. Just hold things close and not share too much. But this morning I feel like sharing a bit, so here goes...

Things have been rough. The renovations were hell as I have mentioned over and over, it was an extremely stressful time for us and I ended up starting to self-harm again. I had gone several months without self-harming so this is a big setback. Some of my biggest triggers are stress and feeling trapped, so it totally makes sense that this would happen. I'm working on it...

Also my fibromyalgia has been ridiculous. Stress is the biggest trigger for me to have a flare up so this also makes perfect sense. I'm in so much pain it's hard to think straight or do much. Every inch of me is tender to touch and I am just so sore. I hate being in constant pain and how much it affects my life.

I've also been really sad. I'm not clinically depressed, but I'm really struggling with old patterns, depressed mood, anxiety, and just an intense sadness. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning a lot of things but the main one is how my life is so different than I imagined it would be. I didn't imagine I would have an amazing life, I just thought things would be ok, but they aren't even that. I have ok moments, I even have nice good moments sometimes. But mostly it's struggle.

I've been so down on myself too. My brain just won't stop telling me how horrible I am. It's so intense it often brings me to tears. I'm so tired of fighting all this. Right now the idea of doing anything is so overwhelming, even things like chores, let alone being creative or moving forward with my personal growth.

So yes. Life can be hellish sometimes. Then there are moments where I sit on our swing outside and look at the sky, or have a good cup of coffee, or listen to a beautiful song, and I think things are pretty good. I still don't know if I'll make it, and that scares me, but I'm hoping I will.

xo, C



dolled up for the birthday
1. My birthday was weird. We found out our mattress was broken so instead of going on a date to Ikea and a favorite spot for lunch, we went mattress shopping and brought home pizza. I still dolled up and wore a new shade of lipstick!

2. The renovations on our house (that were supposed to be done before Christmas!) will probably be done today other than some few issues we have to fix. This has been the worst renovation experience we've ever have mainly because the company we are working with is just rotten. I've been so stressed and miserable the last few months due to this nonsense, so I can't wait to get back to normal life!

3. I'm reopening my Esty shop. I changed the name to Slow Darling Slow (a phrase from a favorite poem I wrote), and I am going to sell my various crafts and art. Including brooches, pinup style hair clips, and some drawings. Still working on changing the banner and gussying the place up so it will take a little time to get it up and running, but keep an eye out.

4. Due to the renovations the last two months, I've had to stay home most days to watch our dogs and keep the project in order. I can't wait to have some time to myself and be able to go to cafes and write! 

5. We had our bed set up in our living room for a month! On my birthday we were able to finally get our bedroom back! So nice to have some of our house back and it was seriously one of the best birthday presents!

6. I have a lot of plans to doll up the house and freshen it up. Can't wait to get moving on it! I will share some pictures once things get done. I feel like things are really coming together. I'm super proud of our bathrooms that are being renovated because I designed them. They both came together just like I imagined! It's kind of surprising to realize I am good at something that is so important to me.

7. For Valentine's R and I are planning on cooking dinner together, and making cookies, sounds perfect!

8. We were going to finally make it to Ikea this week, but due to the Super Bowl being in town we are going to stay home to avoid the crazy traffic jams! For Super Bowl we are nesting and eating junk food. I refuse to leave the house all day.

I can't wait to share more on the blog and get more connected! xoxox


birthday girl

So I turn 32 on Saturday. The years go by so fast and I still feel like a 20 year old! I do have to say that so far in my 30's I have cared a lot less about what people think of me and I'm much more driven to be myself. So in that respect, I really like being in my 30's. In other ways I am kind of disappointed because I thought I would be a lot further along in life than I am. But having my life put on hold while I battled illness for 10 years seems to put a damper on things.

Anyway, above are some of the goodies I got for my special day (I picked them myself and ordered the way early!). Once all the renovations are done on our house I am going to smudge every room to get rid of the bad joo-joo and also set up an alter in our living room that represents my hopes and dreams for the coming time. So I bought an incense holder, offering bowl, and a candle. I am also going to learn tarot. Then I got this adorable baking journal and also finally got my hands on the 52 Lists Project (it's so fun!). I also got a micro lens for my phone and it's awesome!

I have a cold/flu right now so am feeling pretty rotten, but if I feel better by Saturday Ronald and I are going to venture to San Francisco to go to the Academy of Sciences, I am so excited and want to dress up in my petticoat and pink castle skirt with a red sweater (Valentine color combos are my favorite!). The Academy of Sciences has a wildflower garden on the roof! I can't wait to see!

I'm also planning on making a chocolate cake from scratch. I'm using this recipe and it looks so good! Oh and we will drink lots of champagne.

I usually get really disappointed on my birthday. I think because I try to recreate the childhood birthdays I wished I had as a child. Now I'm learning the past is the past, there is no changing it, and I just need to celebrate now. Hoping with that in mind this birthday will be more calm and easy.

xo, C



It's been a long time since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. My brain is so full of the current crazy-ness of life that I haven't thought of much more than day to day coping. So here goes...

We have had renovations going on in our house since the day after Thanksgiving. We are having both our small bathrooms remodeled and the exterior of our house painted. The contractors said the work would be done by Christmas...well now we don't know if it will be done by the end of January! The contractors have been horrible at communication, and have made loads of serious mistakes and poor workmanship. The worst thing is they charged premier prices and we expected good quality, but we aren't getting that. 

I spend a lot of my time fighting with them to get basic things done, and done quickly, I seriously have to fight for everything and this is my house! We are also fighting to get a refund on some of the cost. I spend so much time ruminating on how screwed I feel by this company. It's really awful to feel taken advantage of and to have to continue having the people in your house!

It has taken over seven years for me to have the courage to set up these renovations even though our bathrooms needed renovation desperately (one bathroom wasn't even usable!) due to my fear and anxiety around having people in our house. I hate having people over. Even friends can be hard at times. Home for me is my nest, my safe place, so having anyone here is really difficult. Our master bedroom is so small that we had to move our mattress into the living room just to have space for the workers to renovate our bathroom! So we have slept in our living room for over a month now. I feel very exposed and uncomfortable. Other than our renovated bathroom, there is no space I can go during the day that is private.

To top it all off, our four dogs (who are the best), get very anxious having workers in the house. Especially Cricket who was abused by her previous owners in her puppy months. It's really stressful trying to keep them calm and happy during this time. I stay home basically all day every day other than going to therapy appointments twice a week. I used to go out every day to write at a coffee shop, run errands, or just spend some time walking around places just to feel connected to the world around me. I deal with dissociation a lot so being out in public helps me deal with that. Now that I don't have that time I am having way more dissociation, anxiety, and disconnection. 

Most days I am in the living room watching cooking shows trying to keep the pups calm, being on Pinterest, or baking and cooking. We only have real access to our dining room, living room, and kitchen during the day. The workers say it will be another week and a half but they keep extending it so who knows.

I seriously feel like my life has stopped. I am just taking care of daily problems and not actually living in any real way. I feel totally out of touch with myself. It's been so hard. I'm just really discouraged and can't wait for this nightmare to be over! 

When these projects are done I am so excited to get our house back! For my birthday I am setting up an alter that represents my hopes and dreams, I also bought some smudge sticks so I can smudge the house and get some of this bad energy out of here. I am a highly sensitive person and there is so much bad energy and mixed up feels in the house right now, it's really uncomfortable. So yes, things will get back to normal and I'll start kicking ass again! In the meantime, I'm just waiting it out.

So these are the happenings and I'll be back to blogging and becoming more myself soon.

xo, C




don't talk back

even the garlic


yet this isn't about power


it's about brightness

and hunger and how day turns into night turns into day again so that

winter gives over to spring so that

the green things can grow-suddenly, fiercely, tenderly-so that

dinner gets made somehow

and the belly is full

and how come I get to be here

and why not potatoes

and what about love and then suddenly and fiercely and tenderly

everything, everywhere, ultimately

always is

-Rinsho Ikushin


let me see stars

"Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
 And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes
 you cannot even breathe deeply, and
 the night sky is no home, and
 you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
 that you are down to your last two percent, but

nothing is infinite,
not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again."

-F. Butler