It's been a long time since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. My brain is so full of the current crazy-ness of life that I haven't thought of much more than day to day coping. So here goes...

We have had renovations going on in our house since the day after Thanksgiving. We are having both our small bathrooms remodeled and the exterior of our house painted. The contractors said the work would be done by Christmas...well now we don't know if it will be done by the end of January! The contractors have been horrible at communication, and have made loads of serious mistakes and poor workmanship. The worst thing is they charged premier prices and we expected good quality, but we aren't getting that. 

I spend a lot of my time fighting with them to get basic things done, and done quickly, I seriously have to fight for everything and this is my house! We are also fighting to get a refund on some of the cost. I spend so much time ruminating on how screwed I feel by this company. It's really awful to feel taken advantage of and to have to continue having the people in your house!

It has taken over seven years for me to have the courage to set up these renovations even though our bathrooms needed renovation desperately (one bathroom wasn't even usable!) due to my fear and anxiety around having people in our house. I hate having people over. Even friends can be hard at times. Home for me is my nest, my safe place, so having anyone here is really difficult. Our master bedroom is so small that we had to move our mattress into the living room just to have space for the workers to renovate our bathroom! So we have slept in our living room for over a month now. I feel very exposed and uncomfortable. Other than our renovated bathroom, there is no space I can go during the day that is private.

To top it all off, our four dogs (who are the best), get very anxious having workers in the house. Especially Cricket who was abused by her previous owners in her puppy months. It's really stressful trying to keep them calm and happy during this time. I stay home basically all day every day other than going to therapy appointments twice a week. I used to go out every day to write at a coffee shop, run errands, or just spend some time walking around places just to feel connected to the world around me. I deal with dissociation a lot so being out in public helps me deal with that. Now that I don't have that time I am having way more dissociation, anxiety, and disconnection. 

Most days I am in the living room watching cooking shows trying to keep the pups calm, being on Pinterest, or baking and cooking. We only have real access to our dining room, living room, and kitchen during the day. The workers say it will be another week and a half but they keep extending it so who knows.

I seriously feel like my life has stopped. I am just taking care of daily problems and not actually living in any real way. I feel totally out of touch with myself. It's been so hard. I'm just really discouraged and can't wait for this nightmare to be over! 

When these projects are done I am so excited to get our house back! For my birthday I am setting up an alter that represents my hopes and dreams, I also bought some smudge sticks so I can smudge the house and get some of this bad energy out of here. I am a highly sensitive person and there is so much bad energy and mixed up feels in the house right now, it's really uncomfortable. So yes, things will get back to normal and I'll start kicking ass again! In the meantime, I'm just waiting it out.

So these are the happenings and I'll be back to blogging and becoming more myself soon.

xo, C

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