Dear ones,

I haven't written an honest to goodness post in a long time. I've wanted to stay quiet about things. Just hold things close and not share too much. But this morning I feel like sharing a bit, so here goes...

Things have been rough. The renovations were hell as I have mentioned over and over, it was an extremely stressful time for us and I ended up starting to self-harm again. I had gone several months without self-harming so this is a big setback. Some of my biggest triggers are stress and feeling trapped, so it totally makes sense that this would happen. I'm working on it...

Also my fibromyalgia has been ridiculous. Stress is the biggest trigger for me to have a flare up so this also makes perfect sense. I'm in so much pain it's hard to think straight or do much. Every inch of me is tender to touch and I am just so sore. I hate being in constant pain and how much it affects my life.

I've also been really sad. I'm not clinically depressed, but I'm really struggling with old patterns, depressed mood, anxiety, and just an intense sadness. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning a lot of things but the main one is how my life is so different than I imagined it would be. I didn't imagine I would have an amazing life, I just thought things would be ok, but they aren't even that. I have ok moments, I even have nice good moments sometimes. But mostly it's struggle.

I've been so down on myself too. My brain just won't stop telling me how horrible I am. It's so intense it often brings me to tears. I'm so tired of fighting all this. Right now the idea of doing anything is so overwhelming, even things like chores, let alone being creative or moving forward with my personal growth.

So yes. Life can be hellish sometimes. Then there are moments where I sit on our swing outside and look at the sky, or have a good cup of coffee, or listen to a beautiful song, and I think things are pretty good. I still don't know if I'll make it, and that scares me, but I'm hoping I will.

xo, C


  1. It can be an immense struggle to focus on the tiny positives each day and I truly admire your ability to do this! I empathize with your battle as it's so similar to mine and lately the darkness is overwhelming. Hang in there my dear xx

  2. I got on here today to post, but as I always do, I come to your blog first to catch up. The similarities make me feel both comfort and sadness at the same time. Comfort to know that I am not the only one who has days and weeks like this. And also sadness to know that other people go through it too. The pain- physical, spiritual, emotional- is something I can't share with anyone else in my real life. No one understands because no one can truly empathize. I hate that you are going through this right now. I hope you will continue to blog, I do feel that getting it all out there has real merit!

  3. Hey you. Just.... Love. :) I'm alllll kind of distant and not great at the in-touch/communication thing, but I always think of you, I always smile when I do, and I always hope things are coming up lollipops. I know they're not always, because (unfortunately) that's the way life goes, but. Just. Love. :)

    Keep writing about it. Writing about it is a good thing. Keep sharing. Keep letting us in. I think that's important. I think you're important. I appreciate the shit out of you. <3 Email/text/send smoke signals whenever you need to. *lotsandlotsandlots of fuzzy, squishy hugs.*


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