7/11/13

oi moi- or why I'm tired of life being horrible


Life has been hard for far too long. My whole life I have launched from one struggle to the next. I'm twenty-nine, have been married for almost ten years and we are still in the thick of it. I really am in disbelief. I keep thinking we are at the bottom, that life can't get any worse so we can only go up/only get better. But those are all false bottom and I am learning things can always get worse...always.

I try to keep it up. Keep up the appearance that I am not entirely devastated, that I am strong and hopeful. But I'm not. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm a shell of what I used to/want to be. I'm a ruminator. I ruminate on ways to get out, I plan out how to get better (I have lists and lists and lists of the stuff), and still nothing. No change but down.

I don't want to be around people. No one but Ronald. Even with him I struggle with showing my true self. Being alone is easiest, because then I don't have to pretend. I don't have to put on a brave face. I just have to make sure the knives stay in the kitchen drawer.

But you know, I have to end this with something positive because that's what I do. It's brave-face time so put on that mask all snug and tight and smile girl, smile.

xx, C
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7/7/13

such things





Hello Dollies!

I just updated my pages bar (at the top of the page below the header). There you will find some of my poetry, a few art things, and some thoughts on depression as well as the womanifesto I wrote last year. Check it out if you want to learn more about me, and let me know your thoughts!

Things have been a bit hectic around here. Ronald and I are going home project crazy. Along with all that, I am in a lot of pain from fibromyalgia, and I have given up almost all refined sugar (I am a sugar queen so this is kind of crazy!). 

Ronald is doing most of the home projects and I am taking care of the design. Yesterday he painted our hallway (that probably hasn't been painted since the 1960s) a powder-blue-grey. It is so pretty and we found chandelier looking lights with crystal beading, I think it is going to look so elegant! He also painted our master bathroom a honey yellow. It looks great!

I'm having a little too much fun looking for design ideas online and pinning them on my secret Pinterest boards (some things are one of a kind so I don't want someone else to snatch them up!). Today we are going to look for a new couch as well as a king size mattress for our bedroom. We may even head to Ikea (if we/I am lucky).

Our house has been in need of some love. Since we had our kitchen remodeled two years ago we have done very little with this crazy fixer-upper. And since my fibromyalgia diagnoses at Christmas we need new furniture that is more supportive and transitional for when I am in pain.

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As I said above, I have given up nearly all refined sugar. It is/has been hard but not as hard as I imagined. I realized that the grab and go type of food I was eating was very high in sugar. I have cut out fruit juice, candy, sports drinks, desserts, sugary cereals, and most everything that doesn't have some sort of whole grain. I've even cut out sugary salad dressing, and sauces when I cook. 

I mostly eat nuts, brown rice, peanut butter, cheese, whole grain bread and pasta, any veggies or fruit I want, and beans. My one vice is diet soda. I drink more than ever but I know I can ween myself to a lower amount once I get through my sweet withdrawals. I also have sugar free pudding with a little whipped cream and chopped walnuts. Luckily it is high in calcium so it does have some good qualities. 

This is my third week of a low sugar diet and I feel fine on it. I don't feel that much better, but I feel great knowing I am eating healthier. I have lost some weight and am at the lowest weight I have been since winter.

I need to go pick more paint colors for the house. I'm currently picking the perfect pink for my craft room! 

xx, C

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7/3/13

desk love


Along with our living room makeover, we are downsizing my desk (in the living room) from a heavy dining room table that could seat six, to a slim and simple table. We are selling my desktop computer so I only need room to paint, write, and use my laptop on the desk. I really like the simplicity it will bring to the room and I want to leave the desk area nice and clean. I am so excited to get it all set up!

Pictured above is the desk I am planning on getting and some other inspiration I have for my little corner. 

I am so excited about our living room plans! We are actually going to put a daybed in the room that can expand to a double bed (we will have a couch too) so I can rest in a room other than the bedroom when I am having a fibromyalgia flare up. I'm so excited about how the room is going to look! Or at least how I imagine it turning out...

Do you have a desk? Where is it located in your home?

xx, C

Links: shelf, pen holder/slate, print, desk, journal, chair, diy

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7/1/13

little tip





Hello Dolls!

I'm an avid/obsessive list writer. I have ongoing lists for just about everything. I'm also a crazy perfectionist when it comes to shopping lists. I start over if there is a typo and always organize my list based on where things are in the particular store (yeah). 

Lately I've noticed my desk is a mess with lists everywhere and when I tidied my desk I stuffed all the lists in my journal. This became a problem because I totally forgot the lists I had. I seriously spent two weeks trying to think of a good way to organize my lists. I keep lists on various sized papers and such and I didn't like the idea of having a single notebook to write all my lists on.

I decided on a clipboard because then I could clip all my lists to it and have them easy to grab. Once I got to Target to get the clipboard I started hating the idea. I seriously spent fifteen minutes standing around and walking through the two isles of office supplies they have. 

I kept looking at the binders. And I hate-hate-hate binders. They really bug me because they don't lay flat and remind me of school. But then I bit the bullet and bought a binder and some clear sheet protectors. Once I got home I set it all up and I have to admit that binders are good for something because it works perfectly.

I love how I can put any size paper in the sheet protectors and how easy it is access all my lists in one spot. Even with my hate for binders, I like the blue color of this one and that I can insert a page in the front and back with anything I want (I'm thinking of finding some magazine clippings).

I'm also going to add tabs for each subject. Such as: home projects, to dos, DIYs, blog ideas, etc.

If you are a crazy list writer like me I recommend this little method. 

Happy list making!

xx, C

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