oi moi- or why I'm tired of life being horrible

Life has been hard for far too long. My whole life I have launched from one struggle to the next. I'm twenty-nine, have been married for almost ten years and we are still in the thick of it. I really am in disbelief. I keep thinking we are at the bottom, that life can't get any worse so we can only go up/only get better. But those are all false bottom and I am learning things can always get worse...always.

I try to keep it up. Keep up the appearance that I am not entirely devastated, that I am strong and hopeful. But I'm not. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm a shell of what I used to/want to be. I'm a ruminator. I ruminate on ways to get out, I plan out how to get better (I have lists and lists and lists of the stuff), and still nothing. No change but down.

I don't want to be around people. No one but Ronald. Even with him I struggle with showing my true self. Being alone is easiest, because then I don't have to pretend. I don't have to put on a brave face. I just have to make sure the knives stay in the kitchen drawer.

But you know, I have to end this with something positive because that's what I do. It's brave-face time so put on that mask all snug and tight and smile girl, smile.

xx, C

1 comment:

  1. you are strong. i know that my words probably won't mean much but you are strong. it's b.s. to say you are not. to fight the disease of depression your whole life and not succumb to it, is strength. it doesn't matter if you put on a happy face or not, you have been strong and are strong and will continue to be strong.


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