a little/a lot rough

Things have been hard for the last week or two. I'm out of my deep depression (sort of and sort of not, but any relief is amazing). But my fibromyalgia has been flaring up like mad. It's horrible being in constant pain. Sometimes it feels like certain parts of my body are on fire, other times like my muscles and bones are fusing together, or like my head is going to explode due to the tension. It's been incredibly difficult.

The evening before last we came home from having dinner out and I felt awful. I could hardly walk to bed. I couldn't get in my pjs, and I couldn't even brush my teeth or get my head on my pillow. Luckily Ronald was there to help. Yesterday was rough too. I had therapy and could hardly drag myself there without crying in pain. When I came home I went to bed and slept for hours and hours. I woke for a bit and then back to bed. I am so tired of sleeping and hurting so badly.

I am feeling a tiny bit better this morning and I hope that continues. I might be able to stop in the market to get some vegetables. I think I am not getting enough nutrition. During flare ups I can hardly stand to get a snack out of the pantry so cooking is out of the question, so we get take-out. The most I can do on my own is grab a yogurt and pull the lid off. I can't even wash an apple (if we had them),  and can hardly make my morning cereal. So I basically eat packaged snacks like 100 calorie packs and pretzels. Not really balanced nutrition but I don't know what else to do when that is all that is in the house. So today to the market. I'm going to portion out servings in plastic containers so it will be easy to grab something nutritious. I am craving carrots so bad, and broccoli. Yum! I can't even tell you how excited I  am to go out somewhere. So, so, so excited!

I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the life I thought I would have. After a shitty and isolated childhood I thought luck was in my favor in having a really good life. Instead I end up with depression and now fibromyalgia. I can't even express how sad and devastating this is. Especially when there is no cure for either illness. My lifestyle has to change so much and already has due to my depression. I try my best to stay positive and not dwell on my pain, but holy shit, that is so hard when the pain is nearly constant.

I'm working on finding things I am capable of doing even with fibromyalgia. I am trying to get back to writing, I miss it, but it seems so far away and I end up staring at a blank page on my computer screen until I give up. Reading poetry helps so maybe I will try that. Also my watercolor set has been resting in a drawer for months, anxious to get out and be used.

So that's something. And going to the market is something, and perhaps some new flowers are in order. Yes, I think so. It's weird how small and molecular life can become where something like grocery shopping, which usually feels like a chore, can become the one bright spot in my week.

x, C


new design + thrift finds

Morning Loves!

Yesterday afternoon I installed the new blog design (bought here). I love it so much! It's not what I would normally pick, but it is nice to branch out and try something new. What do you think? 

Below are a few of the goodies I snatched up at the thrift store last week. I'm saving my favorite find for another post, so stay tuned!

Gigantic milk glass bowl. Perfect for salads this Summer. 

I was so excited to find this antique Transferware tea cup for two dollars!
My favorite tattoo that is on my left arm is modeled after this other 
Transferware design so I have a bit of a soft spot for it.

I love this vintage Pyrex casserole. No lid, but complete pieces are so hard to find anyway. I have to be honest, when I first saw this on the shelf I didn't think it was Pyrex as I have never seen this design before. Not sure if that means it is a rare design or if I am not as learned in Pyrex as I thought.

This antique serving dish was one of the first things I spotted. I love the design and colors! 

I couldn't believe I found this pink beauty all lonely at a thrift store! 
I always have a hard time figuring out if these chickens are vintage or not...I have another small blue one that is the prettiest color. This one is a soft pink and is huge! Love, love, love it.

Two vintage ties for Ronald. I love that one is from Penney's!

Pretty vintage scarves for my hair. I find that the scarf section at thrift stores is so overlooked. I find a Vera scarf almost every time I go for no more than a dollar! This time I found this Burmel beauty for two bucks. It's worth about twenty dollars which covers half of my bill for this trip!


I really need to go thrifting more. I absolutely love it, it isn't expensive, and it makes me much happier and more satisfied overall. 

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day. I'm in horrible pain today, so we'll see how it goes...

xx, C

*A little housekeeping note: I no longer show my google reader follow button since google reader is going away in July. What that means for you is that all the blogs you follow on google reader will be lost to you unless you bookmark the blogs separately, or use another following program like bloglovin'. I use bloglovin' and it transfers all the blogs you follow from google reader in just a few clicks! Please look into a new blog reader program as I don't want to lose you and worse yet, have you lose all the blogs you follow! If you have more questions, feel free to leave a comment or email me. ;)


in the works

I tried working on my own blog design, but that sort of failed. I don't have photoshop or the energy to customize everything, and I just ended up completely overwhelmed. So I ended up ordering a new design on Etsy. It should be up in the next day or two so stay tuned...

Love, C

snaps from a weekend and thoughts on home

We are refinancing our house at the moment. Last week we had our home appraised and found out it has increased a great deal in value. For some reason this gave me an unsettled feeling. Ever since we found out the value I have felt anxious to move to a new place. Not just a little anxious, like incredibly anxious. Like I could cry anxious.

I am frustrated at how much work is left to be done in our house. Some rooms, like our bedroom and master bathroom, are entirely too small. I'm tired of bumping into corners of furniture, and bending awkwardly and painfully in order to take a shower. I'm tired of our toilets overflowing due to bad plumbing and having a bathtub that is almost too small to use and doesn't get hot water.

I'm tired of looking out at a backyard of dead weeds when I do the dishes. Of having a broken dishwasher and wondering how in the hell we will fit a king size mattress in our bedroom. I'm tired of the drab color and falling off stucco I see every time I go outside.

This all makes me want to move out. I feel trapped here. I've even noodled on the idea of selling most of our belongings and moving to a tiny rental property. I feel like there isn't enough light, I feel like too much is wrong. The thing is, there is no way we could move. We can't afford a bigger mortgage payment and moving in itself would not be easy.

I also feel like I can't handle any more renovations right now. I can't even imagine having a housekeeping service come twice a month to do some cleaning, even though it desperately needs to happen. I don't want anyone in my space. It feels threatening and scary, it feels uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I can't imagine a gardener working in our yards. This increases my trapped feelings because all that needs to be done can't be done right now because I can't handle the intrusion in my space.

Ronald and I are going to get some new furniture. He is going to paint our living room a new happier color. We are going to set me up with a pretty white desk in front of a window. These things seem hopeful.

I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude about our place. There is so much beauty here. Peonies and plants. A kitchen I designed. Art and vintage things I love all around. Pretty beams fill the living room ceiling. And curtains I love in our bedroom.

We have two spare bedrooms that we use only for storage. I'm trying to think of what I would want those rooms to be used for. I am imagining pretty paint colors and functional spaces that I would actually like to be in.

I know I will eventually shake this feeling and return to contentment, I just need to ride it out. I don't want to sound unappreciative about what we have, I know we are extremely lucky and I know that deep down this place is good for us. While writing this I feel reinvigorated to make some changes that will help me feel more contented.

How do you feel about where you live? Is it just a place to be or does it feel like home? Do you ever feel anxious to move to a new place?

Love, C


rainy days and mondays

It's overcast and cool out. Great for pictures and creating quiet moods. The house is full of peonies. Everywhere I look their full-bodied goodness is bouncing back at me. They fill each room with a shimmery soft fragrance that trickles from their never ending petals like a secret. Nothing compares to that smell other than the happy sprinkling of daffodil, and perhaps Chanel No. 5.

I've decided to wear perfume every day this week. I have a silver tray full of the stuff and wear a spritz or two maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. At that rate I will probably never finish a bottle! With every spray I imagine a letting of the magic inside its glass and it makes me nervous. So yesterday I wore a spicy floral and today I'll choose another. Why keep it in a bottle when it's meant to be in atmosphere and memory sensors?

I am in loads of pain and it really is the worst. I had this unshared wish that Ronald and I would end the  long weekend at Ikea, buying me a new art desk, but that is not to be. Instead I have to rest and try to quiet down. I think I can do one or two things but I have to remind myself to go slow and steady as to not awaken the vengeful fibromyalgia gods any more than they are already.

Ho-hum and keep going. I have this unending feeling that life is continually getting away from me. All these set-backs, and down days really take a toll.

But there are flowers, and a day off, cool weather and puppies (lots of).

xx, C