life collection

Things have been hard for the last week or two. I'm out of my deep depression (sort of and sort of not, but any relief is amazing). But my fibromyalgia has been flaring up like mad. It's horrible being in constant pain. Sometimes it feels like certain parts of my body are on fire, other times like my muscles and bones are fusing together, or like my head is going to explode due to the tension. It's been incredibly difficult.

The evening before last we came home from having dinner out and I felt awful. I could hardly walk to bed. I couldn't get in my pjs, and I couldn't even brush my teeth or get my head on my pillow. Luckily Ronald was there to help. Yesterday was rough too. I had therapy and could hardly drag myself there without crying in pain. When I came home I went to bed and slept for hours and hours. I woke for a bit and then back to bed. I am so tired of sleeping and hurting so badly.

I am feeling a tiny bit better this morning and I hope that continues. I might be able to stop in the market to get some vegetables. I think I am not getting enough nutrition. During flare ups I can hardly stand to get a snack out of the pantry so cooking is out of the question, so we get take-out. The most I can do on my own is grab a yogurt and pull the lid off. I can't even wash an apple (if we had them),  and can hardly make my morning cereal. So I basically eat packaged snacks like 100 calorie packs and pretzels. Not really balanced nutrition but I don't know what else to do when that is all that is in the house. So today to the market. I'm going to portion out servings in plastic containers so it will be easy to grab something nutritious. I am craving carrots so bad, and broccoli. Yum! I can't even tell you how excited I  am to go out somewhere. So, so, so excited!

I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the life I thought I would have. After a shitty and isolated childhood I thought luck was in my favor in having a really good life. Instead I end up with depression and now fibromyalgia. I can't even express how sad and devastating this is. Especially when there is no cure for either illness. My lifestyle has to change so much and already has due to my depression. I try my best to stay positive and not dwell on my pain, but holy shit, that is so hard when the pain is nearly constant.

I'm working on finding things I am capable of doing even with fibromyalgia. I am trying to get back to writing, I miss it, but it seems so far away and I end up staring at a blank page on my computer screen until I give up. Reading poetry helps so maybe I will try that. Also my watercolor set has been resting in a drawer for months, anxious to get out and be used.

So that's something. And going to the market is something, and perhaps some new flowers are in order. Yes, I think so. It's weird how small and molecular life can become where something like grocery shopping, which usually feels like a chore, can become the one bright spot in my week.

x, C