7/30/15

Morning. Health. Work

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This is one of the last mornings I will have to myself since I am starting my job next week. Well, I will have every other Tuesday to myself once I'm working...so that's nice. I work and feel best in the morning. I never thought I would be a morning person, but here I am waking at 5:30 and feeling energetic and cheery. Weird what happens when you get older...

So today I am going to enjoy the little things. I'm headed to the bookstore which is seriously one of my favorite comfort spots. I'll get some espresso and wander around. Then I might go to a craft store and a discount store where I'm looking for some pretty canisters for healthy foods. 

In other news, I got a Fitbit and it should be delivered today. I found out I have PCOS which basically means I'm not ovulating. It also makes you gain weight and makes it very hard to lose weight. Along with the anti-depressants I'm on all this weight gain makes a lot of sense. I am going to really work on the way I eat and being more active. Even though I've been eating a lot better this year I still haven't lost weight, so it's going to be a challenge. I mainly want to feel strong. I want to feel like I can run, dance, jump around. I'm all for body positivity and I feel like a badass at the size I am and probably wouldn't try to lose weight if it wasn't for my health issues, I am a fan of being as healthy as possible, so this is happening. Oh god, I kind of just want pizza right now. Wink...wink. ;)

I am super shy about the job. I really doubt my competence in basic things. My brain thinks I can do it and will do fine, but my emotions and anxiety are bubbling with self-doubt. I know this is a huge step for me as I am facing a lot of my fears. I'm also excited about what I will be doing and think I'll enjoy it. So yes, wish me luck! Oh and I get to doll up for work twice a week which sounds exciting. I really want to channel the fashion from Mad Men!

xo, C
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7/29/15

Therapy: good and horrible


I go to therapy twice a week. Monday and Thursday. It's a lot of work and I am emotionally drained after and spend the rest of the day napping and doing self-care. So it's basically like two days a week are consumed by my mental health and trying to get better, this is both good and bad. It's good because it works-- I have made so much progress! It's hard because I have less days in the week, it is emotionally exhausting, and it's difficult to be vulnerable.

Therapy is the process of digging out. My therapist says it's like taking all the bits of yourself; your history, your emotions, your issues, and setting them out on a table, then I get to decide which pieces I want in my life, everything I don't want I can let go of. I really like that analogy and it is so true! 

I think the most important thing with therapy is being committed to the process and not giving up. I have been in therapy for eight years and I am just now getting to the good part, the part where everything is on the table. It isn't an easy thing, it isn't magic. My case is kind of weird and rare. My depression didn't respond to treatment for a long time, most people don't have to be in therapy for as long as I have. The other thing is I have to be vulnerable. If I'm not open and just pretending it's not going to help as much as it can. I also have to take the things I learn in my sessions and actually implement them. It's easy to learn and talk about a thought pattern I should change, or a new thing I should do but it's much harder to actually do it every day.

I have learned so much about myself, so much about life and relationships. I realize too that it isn't only helping me, it's helping me help others because I have more of an understanding of humanity and how our minds/emotions work. I'm hoping when I get more on my feet that I can help others with depression. 

If you are thinking about going to therapy, don't hesitate. I was so scared to go but it really isn't as scary as it seems. Remember there is no commitment, you can just go to one session and see how it goes, then go from there. Therapists have so much knowledge and we should take advantage of it. I know there is a lot of shame around seeking help, like it is a weakness because we can't figure things out ourselves. That is kind of silly but I used to feel the same way. Do we think it is a weakness to see a doctor for a cold? Or to go to school to learn something new? That is really all therapy is, getting help and advice from someone who knows more than you do. So if you need some life advice, or to work through some emotional issues, reach out to someone!

I am also always here to talk. You can find my email in the contact me section!

xo, C


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7/27/15

stressful things


It's a big week. Today we go in for a fertility appointment. Things aren't looking good. I have a double uterus and that means any pregnancy would be pretty high risk. We are getting some tests back to get more information. I'm already heartbroken about the double uterus. I know it is a birth defect and something that just happens, but there is definitely a shame around it, definitely another area where I feel like I am made wrong. 

Next we have the housecleaners coming on Tuesday. Which may seem awesome and innocuous, but for me it's just about sheer terror. I am so anxious having people I don't know in my house. It's a struggle every time they come. But the pay off is great, clean bathrooms are underrated. 

Then Wednesday I meet a new potential friend for the first time. This is scary as I am a hermit and freak out when I first meet people. I also feel like if we don't click I am going to blame myself and feel rejected and messed up, even though that is bullshit. My brain thinks a lot of bullshit things because a. I have depression, b. I have an anxiety disorder, and c. I have very low self-esteem. Thankfully I'm working on all of these things and hoping one day they will have less of an influence on my daily life.

So let's just say I am going to be a mess. Usually one stressful event a week is all I can take, but this week I have three. Life's a big scary thing sometimes and I can't keep putting off living because I'm afraid. I'm done living in fear. So here I go...wish me luck!

xo, C

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7/23/15

simple living

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So this morning I took about half the clothes out of my closet. Mostly bulky sweaters and things that aren't my style anymore. I also put all the skirts together, shirts, etc. Of course, for now, there is a huge stack of clothes in the hallway waiting to be put into storage, but it still feels great!

Last week I went through my jewelry and shoes. We set up a shelf in our room specifically for them. I ordered some vintage canisters off Etsy as well as a Paris tin that I just couldn't pass up, so I can have some pretty ways to organize. I'm excited to have all my clothes and jewelry in one space.

For awhile I did the whole dressing room thing, but to be honest, it was overwhelming to me. So the dressing room is going to be set up more for crafting and other projects.

Since I'm going to start working (doing marketing for our family business), I want it to be easy to get ready every day. I'm only working part time because two days a week I have therapy and I'm so drained after those 50 minute sessions that I need to take the day to recuperate. I still have a lot of depression and health issues to work through so my self-care is a priority and takes up most of my time. I'm hoping to increase my hours at some point, but for now this works.

I am trying to simplify my vision for my life. Here are a few things I know I want:

To have a job I am passionate about
To write, read, and craft in my spare time
To have a group of close friends that I spend time with weekly
To garden and have a greenhouse. I love growing my own food and propagating plants!
To always have time for Ronald. To travel a lot. To live simply with less. To cook.
To be accepting of myself and loving and supportive to those around me

I am going to write this list out and hang it somewhere to help me stay focused. I feel like I have so much potential right now. Even though I'm in a rough patch, things are changing fast and improving overall, which is exciting and new.

Oh, and this weekend we are going bourbon tasting and to the beach where we got engaged. I'm thrilled!

xo, C
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7/20/15

hard times make us


Things have been hard. I've been struggling a lot with depression. Sometimes it feels more than I can bear, but I'm hanging in, getting through every day slowly and subtly. I'm exhausted and anxious. Having restless nights and even worse days. I'm hardly taking care of myself or the garden. I just want to numb out and sleep and disconnect because everything seems too painful.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotional shit. I have this huge sense of loss and sadness, it's overwhelming. I'm mourning a lot of things. How I thought my life would turn out, some of my dreams that might not happen as planned (like having kids), and an incredible amount of loneliness. I have always had loneliness, as a child it was devastating, now I understand it more but it isn't that much easier. It's hard to stay connected when I have gone through so many years of being sick. But it is what it is and I'm working on building some new relationships.

There are some good things going on too. Ronald has been awesome. We have been doing some work around the house and our living room looks bitchin'. I've started cooking more. Got a part time job. And I'm reading like crazy. I am finally able to focus enough to read and I can't tell you how amazing that is. I wasn't able to read for years because depression made it so hard to focus and reading was one of my huge passions. Now I'm back to it and it's great! Oh, and we are thinking about going to Hawaii in November!

So that's life. It's a mix of shit and good things. I'm tired and feel unlucky. But I'm still here so that's something.

xo, C


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7/19/15

10 things you don't know about me


1. I can't relax if the kitchen is messy.

2. I have a pretty nice perfume collection and an even better nail polish one.

3. I got a job that I start next month!

4. I love strawberry ice cream mainly because it's pink.

5. One of my favorite movies is Summertime with Katharine Hepburn.

6. I had a dog named Carl growing up.

7. I found out this year that I have a double uterus, which means it may be hard to have a normal pregnancy.

8. We are probably going to put a greenhouse in our backyard!

9. I love cats but being clawed freaks me out.

10. I want to get a mermaid tattoo.

What's something I don't know about you?

xo, C

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7/14/15

Hungry Bunnies sale!





Hi Dolls! 

I have a  lot of new ideas for Hungry Bunnies that I'm excited to share with you once I get more crafting done. For now though I have a lot of goodies in the shop I want to clear out and I'm offering a huge sale! 50% off everything with code: BunnyBabe now until July 20th! If there is something you've been eyeing, don't pass up the chance to get a great deal!

Happy hunting!

xo, C
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7/13/15

slowly


It's a beautiful morning and I'm sitting on the swing in the garden feeling humdrum blue. I've hit a rough patch. I've been terribly overwhelmed, anxious, and crying like candy. I feel so lonely and lost and full of shame. This isn't me. This is mood swings, and lies, and depression, and bullshit. It's still hard to kick. Kick up my heels and run back into life. I can hardly convince myself to go to therapy today.

My brain keeps hacking and churning out hard-on-me thoughts. I try to fly above the prattle but little brain is there, little brain is loud, little brain is busy. So I water the house plants, all undressed in the sink, and I go through the motion, eat my strawberry sandwich. 

When I'm alone it gets worse, because there is no one there to remind me life is real and worth it. Only the loudmouth depression yelling at me. Thing is, I'm alone most of the time. This solitary life is working out less and less for me. But I can't very well beg for friends on the side of the road, my two cent cup and cardboard sign. So loneliness it is.

In the end I'll get through it, I always do. 

xo, C

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7/2/15

take your dreams with you

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So I am reading I Am That Girl and it's fantastic. I highly recommend it! It has some creative exercises in it and one I tried this morning was free-writing my dreams. It was so interesting to see the things that came up (like making homemade dog biscuits...what the what?!?!) when I was just going for it and not being held down by my circumstances or fears. I thought I would share what I wrote here. It's a bit of a mess but that is what free-writing is about, just getting it out there and going with your mind flow. So here it is, and I am pretty excited for the next step which is figuring out the steps I need to take to make these dreams a reality!

Dreamer:

I want to write for xo Jane or a feminist magazine, online or in print. I want to make things I love making and sell them or not, I want to make zines. I want to be a gardener, have a greenhouse and sell something at the Farmer’s market.

I want to take a baking class/cooking class. To help people with mental illness. To have a book on the shelves at Barnes and Noble and on a best seller list. I want to go to the coffee shop or sit in the backyard and write every day. 

I want to live on a ranch and rehabilitate dogs and garden/farm, make homemade dog biscuits to sell. I want to live in a beach house in Pacific Grove and be an artist and writer/marine biologist.

I want to live in Europe, I want to work at a bakery or a book shop and write and paint.

I want to work on human rights issues, support women, stand up for LGBTQ people , support children, end racism.

I want to live in an eichler/mid century modern home in Walnut Creek. I want to keep all the windows open in the Spring. Run a book club out of my home. Have a close group of friends that support each other, encourage each other, and are driven to make a difference. 

I want to have friends that I can be truly open with. That are responsive and supportive. That are passionate and driven. I want to spend time with friends every week and have fun with them/be silly. I want to know my friends will always have my back and I want to do the same for them.

I want to have a career in something I believe in. I want to help people every day, whether on an individual level, larger level, behind the scenes, or close up. I want to learn biology. I want to read all the time on the beach. I want to cook most days, learn new things and challenge myself. 

I want to have a routine I follow every day that helps me be a better person and reach my goals. I want to focus on the little things that make life good, I want to meditate, do yoga, enjoy the ritualistic nature of life, live in nature.

I want to travel the world and meet people, to experience everything and be vulnerable. I want to have kids and teach them to love others, to be open to living a full life and not settling for humdrum. I want to see the world through their eyes, and enjoy every day with them.

I want to learn about web design. Whether this helps in a career way or just makes it so I can make a kick ass blog. I want to have real-life skills so I can have a career if I choose too and I know I can do technical things.

I want to speak to groups of people suffering from mental illness, I want to share my story and tell them there is hope. That I never thought I could get better, that I thought there wasn’t hope for my entire thirty years on earth, but that I found it. It took a long time, but I found it, and things are getting better. I want to help people with mental illness with the little things I needed help with, like grocery shopping, cleaning, preparing meals, or picking outfits/getting ready for the day. I want to go for walks with them and just let them cry on my shoulder or talk. 

I want to be a part of something bigger. To work with people that share a common purpose and goal. To encourage people on their journey to being true to themselves and become whole.

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I'll keep you posted on some of the dreams I choose to pursue and my plans to get there. 

What are some of your dreams?

xo, C

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7/1/15

simplify

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So our house has become a bit too cluttered. I love all my collections and all the cuteness that surrounds us, but it is just too much. I feel stressed at home, uneasy. I am really sensitive to my environment so I think it's time to get rid of things. It's going to be hard to part with things I love but it's worth it to feel happier at home. This morning I am going to go through our main living area and put a post it note on anything I am willing to get rid of.

I am going to also change my mood boards to look less cluttered and redecorate the mantle and hang some new art. My style is consistently changing and it's time for some updates!

I love the photographs above. That is how I want our house to look and feel. I'm really excited about all the potential for cuteness and comfort we have at home.

I have so many books and that is one thing I am anxious to go through. I love books and it's going to be hard to let some go. I thought you could never have too many books, but I think you can when looking at them is overwhelming!

Now that my depression has decreased I have realized more and more that I want to collect experiences and not things. When I was in the gutter of depression I didn't have the energy for experiences, to travel, to try new things, even just little things like going on a  coffee date were too much. I am excited to balance my life, to be free in all areas, even little things like how much clutter is in our house.

I will take some photographs of some of the changes. Wish me luck and lots of post it notes!

xo, C

p.s. later today I am going on a coffee date to work on an outline for my book. I am so nervous but I actually have some amazing writers who are volunteering their time to give me advice! What a blessing, and what a scary thing to put myself out there! Fingers crossed I can get it done!


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