hard times make us

Things have been hard. I've been struggling a lot with depression. Sometimes it feels more than I can bear, but I'm hanging in, getting through every day slowly and subtly. I'm exhausted and anxious. Having restless nights and even worse days. I'm hardly taking care of myself or the garden. I just want to numb out and sleep and disconnect because everything seems too painful.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotional shit. I have this huge sense of loss and sadness, it's overwhelming. I'm mourning a lot of things. How I thought my life would turn out, some of my dreams that might not happen as planned (like having kids), and an incredible amount of loneliness. I have always had loneliness, as a child it was devastating, now I understand it more but it isn't that much easier. It's hard to stay connected when I have gone through so many years of being sick. But it is what it is and I'm working on building some new relationships.

There are some good things going on too. Ronald has been awesome. We have been doing some work around the house and our living room looks bitchin'. I've started cooking more. Got a part time job. And I'm reading like crazy. I am finally able to focus enough to read and I can't tell you how amazing that is. I wasn't able to read for years because depression made it so hard to focus and reading was one of my huge passions. Now I'm back to it and it's great! Oh, and we are thinking about going to Hawaii in November!

So that's life. It's a mix of shit and good things. I'm tired and feel unlucky. But I'm still here so that's something.

xo, C


  1. 'So that's life. It's a mix of shit and good things.' Never a truer word said :)

    When someone is feeling like you are right now, I don't know whether to offer advice or just to say I've been there (because if we're honest, most of us have) - but I think voicing it out loud/online helps get it out there so its not stuck solely in your head.

    Good to see you focusing on some happy things too, Hawaii?? You lucky thing!

    1. Thanks Hannah! Yes! We booked Hawaii and I'm thrilled!

  2. Wow you snuck that "got a part time job" right in there. That is awesome, I hope it's something you love. I've been toying with the idea as well, something to get me out of the house, something to make me feel like a useful member of society again.

    I hope you guys get to go to Hawaii. When we went in January, it was the most amazing spiritual awakening for me. Now I watch and read as much about Hawaii as possible, I even subscribed to Hawaiian magazines! I want to go back again desperately.... I think you would love it there!

    1. I hope I like the job too, I'm looking forward to it! It's helping out the family business so at least I'll be in good company!

      We went to Maui in 2012 and it was amazing! We snorkeled every day! Love it!


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