l a t e l y

It's been a while. A lot has been going on with little old me. I've had some of the worst days of my life, followed by some of the biggest breakthroughs. Growing hurts, and digging out of depression is hard as hell.

It's worth it for the little things though. Things like the sun shining on our pups fur, rainy autumn weather, and an average nights sleep. Also, with the ankle healing I am able to walk around and do things! Cleaning has never felt so fun!

Here's some lately things:

I'm working on my book. Yesterday I arranged most of my chapters, and I'm so excited! It's going to be formatted as a kind of diary. A mix and match of poems, stories, thoughts, life snippets, and maybe photographs all based on my life.

I'm getting over the fibro flare I had last night. My leg felt electric and it was awful. My hands are also super swollen and stiff. Fibro is fucked up.

I painted my nails mermaid sparkly green yesterday, quiet possibly my favorite shade of polish!

I wore jeans twice last week. Just didn't feel like wearing a dress, but also felt so dressed down and in pjs. Kind of too self-conscious for dress up these days. That's what happens when you stare too much in the mirror.

I'm starting a DBT course this Wednesday. It's 16 weeks and I can only miss two classes the entire time. It is going to be hard work, but I hope it helps me be more mindful and balanced in my day to day life. There is homework and everything. It's very intensive so I'm a bit nervous...

I'm enrolling in the Spring semester at a local junior college. I think I am going to take a pottery spinning class. I'm hoping to finish up my associate's degree and then transfer to a university to get my bachelors degree. Really excited. Really scared.

This weekend we are going to Ikea. Can't wait!

I've already decorated for Halloween and candy corns are being occasionally eaten. Hooray!

Australia is inching closer and I'm nervous as all hell. I've always been a bit of a nervous traveller but bravery is the thing.

I'm so ready to adventure to the beach and the natural history museum and get tattoos.

I've stopped taking pictures (even with my iPhone!) and I fucking hate it. I need to get snapping!


What's happening with you? I hope good things.

xoxox, C


à bicyclette

I've been wanting a bike on and off for a while. I am scared of falls (especially after my ankle nonsense), and I am so scared people are going to judge me and that I'm going to just be ridiculous in general that I end up talking myself out of it.

But fuck it...I'm getting a bike! This is my dream bike. It's a hybrid bike which means its a cross between a mountain bike and a leisure bike. I love the color and its pretty snazzy for it's low price (under $250)! I would love to get a bike basket for the back and bike to the market for flowers and french bread. Isn't that the dream???

Oh and good lord, if you ride a bike wear a helmet! It can save your life. I love this brown one, and this one is super sleek. Ok. end of safety rant.

Some other haps:

I am going back to school! Enrolled today and will start in the Spring.

I started writing my book. Eeeeek!!!

I really need to dye my hair. 

I'm cold but too lazy to put on my hoodie...


What's new with you? Would/do you ride a bike?

xx, C


just you and me, kid

Eleven years ago Ronald and I got married! I can't remember a time when our lives weren't intertwined.

We have had a wild ride so far. Lots of fun, romance, long conversations, and movie dates. We've been renters and homeowners. We have brought home puppies (who are the best things ever!), picked up messes, and laughed a lot. We have become more and more comfortable with each other. We've grown up together and are still discovering who we are individually and collectively.

We have also had sleepless nights, and sad days, too much bad luck for anybody. We have worried about my survival, have sought opinion after opinion, and spent too much time in the psychiatrists waiting room. He has dried my tears, and helped me through panic. But no matter how grim it seems, we are in it together, and that carries us through.

This year we have--

Started our Sunday date day again.

Had lots of bourbon and cocktail toasts.

Snuggled up at home.

Ate lots of watermelon.

Travelled (a lot).

Got out of bed at 4:30 a.m. too many times.

Had two great vacations in Monterey.

Discovered roasted cauliflower (a revelation!).

Been more honest and vulnerable with each other.

Cleared the house of junk.

Cuddled. Cuddled. Cuddled.

Ronald has--

Received his master's degree and is starting his Ph.D! 

Taken really good care of me.

Started blogging (for work, but still awesome!).

Grown even more in his sensitivity and understanding of people.

Taken me to Ikea several times (hint, hint).

I have--

Started wearing dresses every day (love it!).

Stopped buying so much nonsense.

Started a garden (it's hit and miss).

Learned how to separate my own thoughts from the depressed thoughts I have.

Survived some really rough times.


Today we are going bourbon hunting. We will exchange cards and have a champagne toast. Also, cake. I get to bake which is super exciting! Tonight we are going to light a Chinese lantern (biodegradable too) and make a wish together before we let it float to the sky. 

xoxox, C



Snapped some pictures while Ronald taught a class at an industrial factory yesterday. I wanted to explore but thought it would be sort of weird and unsafe for me to be wandering around...they had so much vintage equipment, it was so cool!

We came home yesterday evening and tomorrow we leave for San Diego. My fibromyalgia is flaring up (pain killers tonight), but I'm trying my best to enjoy things. Its going to be so nice to have time with Ronald, even though its a business type trip. I'm planning on doing some reading and listening to an iTunes U course about Marie Antionette.

I'm also thinking of switching to digital magazines. I love paper ones but usually never look through them all and they take up so much space! What do you think?

xx, C


"all that I need to get me through this is a long vacation"


I'm tired. We have traveled a lot this year. All our trips but one have been for work. We road tripped today for an overnight, and then Sunday we leave for San Diego for three nights. It's fun to go places, don't get me wrong, but I also miss the classic vacation of having nothing to do, no place to be at such and such a time, and just real rest.

Australia is the same. I'm super excited about it, but most days I'm going to be alone as Ronald is in a brainstorming group with his P.hd faculty. It's an awesome opportunity and I am going to be a tourist for sure, but it would certainly be more fun with my fella. Luckily we have a few days to tour things together. I'm hoping we can pet a kangaroo!

So this is a bitchy-bitch-face post but hey, I'm feeling bitchy.

xox, C


eleven years

On the 20th Ronald and I celebrate our eleven year wedding anniversary! I'm so excited to have a special day with him. Our plan so far is to take a picnic to Dillon Beach. He proposed to me there and it is such an amazing place.

I'm planning on wearing this dress and daisy headband. For our gifts we are getting a personalized Christmas ornament that says "Love is ours. Ronald & Catherine 2014", it will be nice to have a little special trinket to remember our day each Christmas.

We are going to go on a hunt for a good bottle of bourbon for R, and I am getting this watch (isn't it gorgeous?), I've never had a nice watch so I'm really excited!

In the meantime we are pretty busy around here. On Thursday R and I leave for an overnight road trip, then home for a day before we head to San Diego for three nights. It's all work related stuff, but at least we'll have time together. San Diego is going to be hard for me. It is where I grew up and I have a lot of negative memories tied to it. We'll see how it goes.

At least we get to celebrate when we get home! Beach here we come!

Love, C



I've always considered myself a very organized person. I am good at pinning organizing ideas on Pinterest, and when the strange "let's organize the entire house" voodoo hits I follow it with a passion.

Lately though, I realize those pins are rarely followed and I am always rushing around searching in drawers and cupboards for everything with only my gut and faulty memory reminding me where things are.

Today it was Ron's deodorant (not found), yesterday it was the blender, and our marriage license is still missing in piles of paperwork. So yeah...I am not organized after all.

My biggest issue is stuffing things. When I get in the tidying mode I seem to find the nearest drawer to put everything in thinking I will get to it later and put it in the right place, without even knowing where the right place is. And when the housecleaners come twice a month to scrub the bathrooms and mop the floors, I go crazy stuffing every little thing in the nearest hide-y place.

This year Ronald and I have been on a mission. My depression has fucked up much of our life and one thing it did the last several years was cause me to buy every little thing imaginable. Once our two spare rooms were half-hoarded I finally realized how not-like-me and not-like-how-I-want-to-be my behavior had become. So it has been stopped and R and I are "digging out".

We have donated loads and loads to the local thrift store, and still have more to get rid of. In this process we are also working on setting up a new way of organizing. Thing is, I haven't started that yet or even figured out how I want things to function. So I'm going back to stuffing...I don't know what to do with something "Uhm...put it in the spare room". Bad habit. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Setting up a new organizing system for the whole house is really freaking daunting. It's not like I have a single drawer to organize, no, it's 1400 square feet! We have a lot of storage space, which is amazing, so I need to get to it.

My get organized for real ideas so far:

Keep an inbox in the entryway for mail or any paperwork and clean it out once a week

Keep a put away bin in the entry for anything that needs to be moved to other rooms and empty it daily

Use a box for "holy shit the house cleaners are coming in the morning" stuff and empty the box as soon as the cleaners leave

Put groceries and toiletries away as soon as I get home

Label and designate areas for toiletries, meds, paperwork, etc. Even if those areas aren't organized yet, I will have a general idea of where to look


Are you super organized or more like me? Do you have any organizing advice or things that work for you?

I will keep you updated...

xoxoxox, C


how to not feel like a total failure when you feel like a total failure

I can't believe I'm posting these pictures on my blog. I think they got lost on Instagram when I posted them in a fit of confidence, but you know, that's not the norms for me...

Anyway, with the shitty sleep I've been having, my sprained ankle, and my normal "ish" I've been feeling like a huge failure. So much of my energy is spent fighting illnesses' and I often lose site of how much that takes out of me, and how much time it consumes. I get so pissed at myself for not writing more, or creating more. It makes me so discouraged.

The last few weeks my confidence was rising. I was writing lots (most of its crap but still writing), I was wearing a dress every day and leaving the house with my head held high for a few minutes. Then I saw a picture of myself over the weekend and that confidence shattered. I got so depressed! I thought I looked completely different than I did in the picture. I seriously asked R if I had a hunchback, I also thought I was like twenty pounds lighter. My mind kind of went crazy and that growing self-esteem was busted.

It still is and I don't really know what to do about it. Mainly I want to wear my striped long john leggings and my baggy t-shirt and get a good nights sleep. I want to listen to happy music and cry. I want to workout until I pass out and stop eating altogether. I want to self-harm and throw things. I am full-up with self-hatred and it sucks.

Instead of destructing I am going to:

Wear a dress

Go to therapy

Rest my ankle

Eat broccoli and yummy but healthy foods

Write 500 words

Paint my nails (been dying to paint them green which should be fun)

Brush my hair

Email friends and respond to blog comments

Snuggle the pups and stop withdrawing from R

Skip the nap in hopes of it helping me sleep better tonight (this will be hard!!!)

Listen to happy and sad music and cry

Plan our anniversary weekend (eleven years...holy shit!)

Edit some of my poetry to resubmit for publishing (dread)

Enjoy the sun and my garden


What do you do to boost your confidence?

xox, C


sleep monster

Hi Dear,

The weekend was kind of ok and incoherent all at once. Good or even ok sleep has been out of my reach for two weeks now. I'm so tired but each night I am plagued by such horrible nightmares that I can't rest. It's awful to be afraid to go to sleep.

I am doing my best to talk through my anxiety and rest, but its a huge struggle. Tonight I am going to take two of my anti-anxiety pills and also do an audio guided full body relaxation that I have on my phone. Hopefully I can get some rest because I feel like I can't take much more.

I'm also having a terrible time with my sprained ankle. It's been 4 weeks and I am still having intense pain and lots of swelling. My pain has actually become worse. I am headed to the doctor Friday to see whats up. 

I haven't worn makeup in four days. I wake up in the middle of the night swearing to myself that I will never sleep again and contemplating suicide. Last night I woke Ronald up and we went into the living room and watched tv until I could handle going back into the bedroom without being in total fear.

Ronald has been the sweetest fella. He holds me and painted my dressing room all weekend. He makes me cocktails and takes care of just about everything. He talks me through all my worry and reminds me things will be ok. I am completely smitten with that kid, and so thankful that he is in my life.

I still sometimes feel like things might get better. And I do think if I just get some sleep I will begin to feel better. I am so excited about our trip to Australia, and Autumn. R and I celebrate our anniversary on the 20th of this month. Eleven years! So there are always good things, even if I'm in shadow.

So this is my honest post. And I just need some sleep. Please sleep...please hurry.

xox, C