sleep monster

Hi Dear,

The weekend was kind of ok and incoherent all at once. Good or even ok sleep has been out of my reach for two weeks now. I'm so tired but each night I am plagued by such horrible nightmares that I can't rest. It's awful to be afraid to go to sleep.

I am doing my best to talk through my anxiety and rest, but its a huge struggle. Tonight I am going to take two of my anti-anxiety pills and also do an audio guided full body relaxation that I have on my phone. Hopefully I can get some rest because I feel like I can't take much more.

I'm also having a terrible time with my sprained ankle. It's been 4 weeks and I am still having intense pain and lots of swelling. My pain has actually become worse. I am headed to the doctor Friday to see whats up. 

I haven't worn makeup in four days. I wake up in the middle of the night swearing to myself that I will never sleep again and contemplating suicide. Last night I woke Ronald up and we went into the living room and watched tv until I could handle going back into the bedroom without being in total fear.

Ronald has been the sweetest fella. He holds me and painted my dressing room all weekend. He makes me cocktails and takes care of just about everything. He talks me through all my worry and reminds me things will be ok. I am completely smitten with that kid, and so thankful that he is in my life.

I still sometimes feel like things might get better. And I do think if I just get some sleep I will begin to feel better. I am so excited about our trip to Australia, and Autumn. R and I celebrate our anniversary on the 20th of this month. Eleven years! So there are always good things, even if I'm in shadow.

So this is my honest post. And I just need some sleep. Please sleep...please hurry.

xox, C


  1. I love your husband. I'm so glad you have him to take care of you, and he has you to take care of him. You're wonderful. And adorable.

    I'm so sorry that sleep has been a fickle mistress, lately. Ugh. That's rough and awful and makes a bad day exponentially worse. I'm thinking aboutcha, Sweetness. :) Lots and lots of love. <3

  2. "So there are always good things, even if I'm in shadow."

    Indeed. You're right about the sleep, too-- lack of sleep just magnifies any bad or gross thing going on. When you finally get some rest, I'm certain everything will look a bit better. But ugh, those nightmares!! That frikkin sucks.

    Your hubby is awesome. I'm actually kind of jealous. I wish my husband were as doting as that. He is, in his own way, but I could go for some of the stereotypical mush once in a while, ya dig me? ;)

    Much love. Hope you get some good sleep soon.


I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)