Monday Morning Light # 2- why I blog

I started keeping a daily blog in 2008 (see my first blog here). I have spent many, many mornings in front of my computer typing something to share with the world. My blog has evolved a lot over the years. At first I blogged to have a voice that I never seemed to have before. To have a platform to share my story, and most of my story was painful.

I was mired in deep depression, and I needed an outlet to share. A way to say something even if I was bed ridden due to my illness, which I was for many months over the last eight years. It was a way to connect with people in a secure environment.

Things have slowly changed this year in the way I relate to my blog. Years of painful blog posts, and hard work in therapy, I have finally found some freedom and wiggle room in my life. I have found some safety, and a bit of healing. Now my blog posts have evolved from painful memories, to a hopeful mode of being.

I still struggle with depression, and probably always will, but I want to keep my blog honest, yet clear and positive. I blog and keep things honest because I want to let my readers know that you can live a good and healthy life in spite of your past and in spite of depression. I hope in some way I express that.

I don't blog to be the top blogger, I don't blog to make money, I blog to share who I am and to bring a bit of hope to this little bit of world.

xx, C


new hair + tattoo

Hello there my dears! I'm so excited to show you my new hair-do and my new tattoo!

I'm totally in love with it! This is just the outline, as it hurt like hell (I mean for reals), so we decided to wait a few weeks before we shade it in. It will really come to life then!

The octopus in the tattoo signifies my depression and how it attacks me. But I don't wear it in sadness, instead it is a reminder of how far I have come, how I am beating this illness. I wear it as a badge of honor, I wear it with pride.

Here is my new hair-do! What do you think? I love it and think it is more representative of who I am, I feel edgy and cute, and it is so easy to style!

I feel like I changed so many things about my look in just a week! I'm totally happy with it all!

Love, C


...and it's Friday

Haven't felt much like blogging today. First I had it planned to take some photographs of my new hair do but I totally forgot and ended up taking a nap so my hair is a mess (one fun thing about short hair is how it looks so awful/funny in the mornings or after a nap). I absolutely love my hair right now--like wish I could freeze time so it would never grow out kind of love. ;) I will try to show some pictures Sunday.

I have had a mildly horrible case of the grumpies since yesterday afternoon. Its really no fun especially when I can't pinpoint what is making me such a grumple so therefore can't deal with the issue. Ah well.

Tomorrow I am getting my tattoo! It will be in the evening so I will share a picture Sunday. I can't wait, but I have to admit I'm a pinch nervous as I haven't gotten a tattoo in years and kind of forgot what it feels like. I keep talking to R about it then I tell him "but I'm brave.", and he responds "yes, you are.". I guess that's a good thing.

The end.



Creative Thursday # 1

Here are some more birds. I have piles and piles of these around the house right now (mainly in a basket near my desk) and although I love them so, I don't really know what to do with them. So there they sit in the basket.

If anyone wants one, please send me an email or leave a comment with your email address and I will send you one as a gift. I can send them anywhere in the world so don't be shy! I would love to send some of these out!

x, C


Wednesday Writing # 1

Hello my dears. Here is the first installment of Wednesday Writing. The salon visit yesterday and the new hair do turned out awesome. I'm really happy with it! I will share a picture soon. Below is something I wrote last week, I hope you enjoy it. ;)

x, C


And here I am, and there you are.

And in between is this heart-felt-


That binds us threaded and knitted and knotted

To each other until we can never be torn apart.

Until we can always be together, until in a pit 

We lay, in a darkness we dwell, and all that's left

Is a small equation of one and one is two.





I'm getting my hair cut today! So excited other than that I hate the process of going to the salon. I usually cut my hair myself just so I don't have to stare at myself in a mirror in public (yeah, weird). Luckily my mother-in-law is joining me for moral support. My hair length right now is in a bob just below my chin so it will be a pretty big change.

I will try to be brave enough to share a picture on here of the new do. 

I'm also going to get my tattoo this week, so stay tuned for the reveal!

x, C


Monday Morning Light # 1

I have always had a strange relationship with the idea of age. Growing up as the youngest in my family I felt an intense need to catch up fast to my two siblings. I always felt I had a deficit because of how young I was, and constantly tried to prove that I wasn't a baby.

I always felt like my age was catching up to my maturity, it was just a few years behind schedule. Now that I am twenty-eight I have noticed a change.

Now I feel like my age has caught up with me (finally). Suddenly, I wish I could turn the clock back a few years, because I'm starting to feel old! I have no problems with being old, but I do have a mild disappointment that I haven't reached all the goals I thought I would have achieved by now.

My struggle with depression put my life on hold for years (literally). I have been struggling perhaps my whole life with symptoms of depression, but the past eight years the struggle has been so intense it put everything but survival on the back burner.

That means I have missed out on things. College, advancing in my creative pursuits including my writing which has been mired in words on depression this whole time. And then there is the unmentionable of all mentionables: kids. I thought for sure I would be a mother by now, like somehow I had a guarantee of motherhood that wasn't rewarded.

So how do I take all this? I can pine away a day or two in sadness, which I sort of did yesterday. Or I can keep moving forward and remember that plans change and a number on a calendar isn't a good measure of success. Nor is comparing myself to everyone around me, I am individual, I have my own story and path to follow.

That all sounds good and strong and brave, but really I am continuing to struggle with this idea. Just to be totally honest.

What are your thoughts on age? Growing up? Are you where you thought you would be at your age?

x, C



The zoo was so much fun! It was super hot and I got especially melty, but we loved seeing all the critters. I think my favorite was strangely the giant fruit bats. Usually they scare me, but this time they were really cute (no pictures as they are behind netting which makes it hard to get a clear shot).

Sorry the photos aren't the best. I should have brought a longer lens but didn't think of it until we were there.

Today is date day. Movie and lunch. Yippee!

x, C


zoo day

I'm feeling so unbelievably better from that ever so rotten mess of a flu, so today we are going to venture out to the Oakland Zoo! I'm especially excited to see the elephants, monkeys, and meerkats.

The high for today is 85 degrees so we are going to wear loads of sunscreen and go sans sweaters. I will take lots of photographs and share them soon.

xx, C



More photographs from the Hipstamatic App on my iPhone. Feeling a lot better today after going to the doctor yesterday where they thought I might have Pneumonia! Luckily the tests came back negative and today I am less fatigued.

I just did some bird sketches. Pulling out the watercolors was fun and I whipped those up in about ten minutes...I think I am going to work on some more detailed sketches this afternoon.

Miss Amelia pup is home with me missing her shih-tzu sister Isabelle who is at the groomers. She is wandering around pretty aimlessly--poor dear!

Remember, next week my blog topic schedule starts. I'm looking forward to it and I hope you are too!

xx, C


"make the hardest things seem easy"

I'm still a bit under the weather. Really, I am getting tired of talking about it. But there it is bright and bold and factual.

I'm at a coffee shop with sweet R before my therapy appointment. I feel like a bit of a cranky monster, but am trying to be forward thinking, brave, and myself.

I'm getting a bit depressed from being so home-ridden and non-life-living. I miss everything. Especially missing: Painting, cooking, having deep conversations with R (for some reason I am blank), and spending time with friends.

I feel like right when I got my life together (really it was together for a week or two) it all fell apart. Fell apart so badly that I am a bit devastated by it and think I can never get back on track.

Ah well, and ah me, and here is a poem to leave you with.


The tick-tock rumble of the clock

Tells me you are not here. That I am still here.

In a trapped cocoon status, in a pink and lovely

Hiatus, from all things living, beside two barks.

I rest in our hideaway, waiting for you.


Love, C



I've decided to add some weekly post topics to the blog. Here they are:

Monday Morning Light- a photograph of the morning and some thoughts on a meaningful subject

Wednesday Writing- share one of my poems/prose/messes on paper

Thursday Art Day- share a creative project I am working/or plan to work on

Friday Weekend Plans- some thoughts on the week and as the title suggests, our plans for the weekend :)

This will make things a bit more predictable around here, and keep my ideas flowing blog wise. I feel like lately I have lost all creativity and ability to think straight (damn flu). So here's to getting back on track.

I will start the topics next week, so stay tuned!

xx, C



Last night I got the new iPad. I had the first generation before this, so this is a nice update. I can't tell you how amazing the retina display is! Its so great for looking at photos, and the like. I love it!

I am still sick, but slowly getting better. I am about 75%. At my worst I think I was at 20% so this is a big improvement. I'm hoping to book my tattoo appointment for sometime next week!

Anyway, this is kind of a boring post, I'm kind of thinking this is a trend as I am not feeling creative at all, maybe it is the whole being under the weather thing. I'm thinking of having weekly topics for my posts. Any fun ideas out there?

xx, C


apologetic life

I say I'm sorry way too much. I can find a way to apologize for everything. Even when I say something nice to someone, or get a compliment, I find myself slipping in an "I'm sorry" somewhere in the conversation.

Mixed in there is this never ending guilt for being me. I feel bad for the way I look so I dress in a way that isn't expressive of who I am. I feel bad for eating in front of others so I either eat and feel horrible afterward, or leave hungry. Its really not a healthy way to live.

So I'm working on it. I'm trying to get this thick film of who I am not off of my skin so I can be truly Catherine. I am sick of this apologetic life, I want to be true to myself.