Monday Morning Light # 1

I have always had a strange relationship with the idea of age. Growing up as the youngest in my family I felt an intense need to catch up fast to my two siblings. I always felt I had a deficit because of how young I was, and constantly tried to prove that I wasn't a baby.

I always felt like my age was catching up to my maturity, it was just a few years behind schedule. Now that I am twenty-eight I have noticed a change.

Now I feel like my age has caught up with me (finally). Suddenly, I wish I could turn the clock back a few years, because I'm starting to feel old! I have no problems with being old, but I do have a mild disappointment that I haven't reached all the goals I thought I would have achieved by now.

My struggle with depression put my life on hold for years (literally). I have been struggling perhaps my whole life with symptoms of depression, but the past eight years the struggle has been so intense it put everything but survival on the back burner.

That means I have missed out on things. College, advancing in my creative pursuits including my writing which has been mired in words on depression this whole time. And then there is the unmentionable of all mentionables: kids. I thought for sure I would be a mother by now, like somehow I had a guarantee of motherhood that wasn't rewarded.

So how do I take all this? I can pine away a day or two in sadness, which I sort of did yesterday. Or I can keep moving forward and remember that plans change and a number on a calendar isn't a good measure of success. Nor is comparing myself to everyone around me, I am individual, I have my own story and path to follow.

That all sounds good and strong and brave, but really I am continuing to struggle with this idea. Just to be totally honest.

What are your thoughts on age? Growing up? Are you where you thought you would be at your age?

x, C

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand. At 28, I thought I would have kids by now, but the thought of having kids right now blows my mind. I'm not ready! I think at this point in my life I'm realizing that things aren't always going to go according to plan, and I'm ok with that now. You're right that everyone has their own life and it's ok if yours doesn't match up to someone else's.


I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)