life collection

Holy shit, things feel a little (lot?) better. On Monday my doctor put me on a stimulant medication in hopes it would boost me out of this bout of depression. Tuesday night I started thinking about ways to decorate the house, I hand't thought about anything other than how horrible I was feeling and killing myself for well over a week. I woke up this morning feeling like there may be a point to this whole living hubbub. It's such a relief to have a break from my depression. That was one of my worst bouts ever.

Anyway, hopefully things will get a little brighter around here...

Love, C

It's really hard to sit here and write a post. I am trying to get back to my normal routine as much as I can even though I am at one of the worst points of my life. Seriously darlings, it's excruciating. Last week we upped one of my anti-depressants, and yesterday I was put on a stimulant medication that will hopefully propel me out of this darkness.

The stimulant makes me feel really nauseas, like I think I will lose my record of not throwing up for a few years kind of nauseas. But hey, if it helps me feel like I want to live just for a minute I will gladly puke.

In therapy we talked about how I need to mourn the fact that I had a bad childhood. When it hit me that I can't change the past, I totally lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Only for a minute because you know, I'm that gal who holds it all in until I'm suicidal.

Then we talked about how I need to be the tough girl I actually am. I hide myself so much. I hide behind meekness, shyness, and being overly kind. The thing is I am kind of a bitch. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, or that I am not a good or kind person at heart. But for reals, I give people a pass so much of the time it makes me feel sick. I take on the blame and guilt of other peoples actions. I let other people control my life and make me feel stupid, incapable, and unworthy. I take being ignored, being second place, being an afterthought. I'm sick of doing that. So sick, that i'd rather kill myself than take it any longer.

The reason I haven't started being myself is that I have a huge fucking fear of abandonment. I feel like if I am left on my own I will die. So how do I guarantee not being abandoned? I just give into every single stinking person in my life. I'm so tired of doing this, it's killing me. And yet I can't bring myself to be honest and say what I want. I struggle with it so much that when I try to be myself even in a small way I stumble over my words and even lose my voice, I have panic attacks, and then when I end up saying it I sugar-coat it so much that it ends up falling flat.

If the people around me knew what I really want, who I am, all that shit, I think they will seriously freak out. Oi moi, just thinking about it makes me feel anxious as hell.

Anyway. I'm going to try because what's there to lose? I'm going to either be abandoned and supposedly die, or I'm going to kill myself. At least with the abandonment there is a chance I might end up living after all.

Good luck to me, and all those clever statements that really don't mean anything.

C

p.s. I did my hair today and took a shower before 5 p.m.! I tried putting my hair in a top-knot. I don't know about it and think I need longer hair, but it's something.

Hello Darlings,

Things have been really tough this last week. My depression has been coming back and now it is at its worst again. My mind is plagued with morbid thoughts, I'm terribly anxious, and so sad I can't even express it.

I keep writing posts about how I am feeling but they don't make any sense and I just don't feel like sharing. I've been a loner and basically only want to be with Ronald or by myself. I guess I feel like that a bit online too. I don't even write emails any more.

But I'll be back here eventually, I'm sure. You know me, I keep going. Not always sure why, but I do.

C

Some changes are happening in our little life. Nothing huge, but change nonetheless. Here is a list.

1. Ronald and I switched sides of the bed so I can snuggle up to him better while we watch a show before bed.

2. We painted our bedroom a pale minty blue. It looks awesome!

3. R and I also switched cars. I was using our Lexus SUV and he was driving a Chrysler 300. We talked about it yesterday and realized a switch would be smart as he teaches classes all over the bay area and often has to bring loads of equipment for the training so an SUV makes way more sense for him. For me, the Chrysler 300 has heated seats which helps my back pain a lot. The Chrysler 300 has so much power, it's insane. I still have to get used to driving it without being a speed monster.

4. We totally have a pumpkin patch in our backyard! One is already ripe and is sitting on our dining room table. We named him Butt-y because its shape seriously looks like a booty! I know we are very immature...We have three more pumpkins growing too! They should be ready for Halloween! We never planted pumpkin seeds, we don't water our lawn as it is all weeds, but somehow it just happened.

5. The end.

xoxox, C