8/5/13

ruffian

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Hi Loves,

Life has slid back down to dark pretty quickly. It seems like I had some ok days last week and then Friday it all collapsed in an instant. I don't want to go into details, but it was really bad. I have depression as well as borderline personality disorder, and both have been really intense lately which means I am fighting on two fronts. There isn't a word to describe how exhausted I am.

This post from Jes of The Militant Baker (one of my favorite bloggers by the way) has reminded me about my issues with BPD and has put many of my behaviors in perspective. It was so weird to wake up and read something that was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me feel a lot less "crazy".

I'm trying so hard to keep going, and I'm not going to stop. Even though dealing with it is the worst thing ever. Lately I have struggled a lot with the idea that I am not good at anything. That I have no skills. It's weird how a single thought can get drilled into your brain and play over and over, like a bell ringing non-stop. The thing is, I am not lucky enough to have just one thought drilled in this old brain of mine, I have dozens. My brain looks like swiss cheese with all the drill holes. The thoughts ring and boom, and crash and cry out to me. They tell me to kill myself, that I am ugly, fat (and that is a bad thing), a horrible sinner bound for hell, inhuman, flawed, a bad wife, a bad friend, a lazy bitch.

I'm sick of hearing these things over and over and over and over. I want to stab and kill each thought individually, I want to make them pay. I want to beat the shit out of them.

So here's to trying, here's to another day on earth--rotten thoughts and all.

xx, C

p.s. - I am getting a ukelele in the near future. Can't wait!

7/31/13

Roses two ways- Part one

Hi Dears!

I guess you can say this is my first tutorial. There is no better place to start than with flowers! I'm going to show you how to arrange roses two ways. Here is part one!

First of all, we need to pick a good bunch of roses! Here are a few tricks. First don't buy roses that are closed up tight. That usually means they were picked too soon. They often do not open and are not as fragrant. You want to pick blooms that are about 3/4 of the way open. Sometimes that is hard to figure out depending on the type of rose. My rule is that if they look about half open I buy them. I also want them to smell good (remember some roses don't have a fragrance). I look at the petals, are they mushy? browning? limp? It's also a good idea to look at the stems and leaves if there is mold or excessive moisture the flowers may be rotting.

Once I have the perfect bunch picked, it's time to get making! I'm going to make a small bowl arrangement...here goes!


Tools of the trade:

This year I finally invested in some scissors specially made to cut herbs and flowers. These cost me eight dollars at a local hardware store and they work great! The rubber bands in the image will be used in method two and I think anyone who arranges flowers should use them (or something similar). I am not much of a believer in flower food or additives. Sometimes I use it, sometimes I don't. I find my flowers last about the same time regardless.


Of course I need vessels for my arrangement! I like to think outside the box here. I rarely use actual vases. Instead I use jars, bowls, mugs, and many times plain old drinking glasses.


The key is to find the thing you love. Everyone has a different taste so follow yours! Thrift stores are a great place to find unique 'vases' on the cheap. I also look in clearance sections and kitchenwares at regular stores.



Here are my roses. I like to start by removing the leaves. In this image the leaves have already been removed. A note on this: I used to hate working with roses and would rarely buy them. The main thing was they are thorny as hell! Not just on the thick part of the stem (those are easy to spot), but they have tiny super sharp thorns near the bloom. I would always stick myself and not be able to manipulate them the way I wanted. Then I figured something out...



When working with roses hold them by their blooms! This may seem weird and like it will damage the flower, but if you grip them mostly by the base and keep a gentle palm there is no harm done. So that's what I do and it makes things so much easier!


Once I remove the leaves I like to trim the stems down to a more manageable length. This isn't the length they will be at for the arraignment, it just makes them easier to work with as I'm not fumbling with eighteen inch stems!


I grab my scissors and cut the stem at an angle.


I cut each stem individually. Some flowers can be cut in bunches if they have thin stems but it gets a bit messy when with roses and the stems might get jagged or pinched which may cause them to not last as long.


Now the roses are all trimmed and easier to work with!


Next, I choose my vase and fill it with water. I fill it pretty high, just below where the blooms will hit.


Now I grab a rose and set it next to the vase and decide what length I want to trim the stem to. Since I am making a bowl arrangement, where the roses should look like they are pouring out of the vase, I measure the stem to where the bloom is just above the edge of the vase.


Tip! It helps to work at the edge of a counter or table so when measuring the extra length of stem can be out of the way.




I eyeball the place I need to cut. Flowers are pretty forgiving and not being perfect adds some whimsy so I don't worry about doing everything just right.



Once it's cut, I set it in the vase and cut another one.


I eyeball the measurement...


And cut!


It's starting to come together! I gently place each bloom in the vase crossing stems over and under each other to keep them in place.


I keep going until the bowl is almost full. How many flowers should be used in a single vase really differs by what type of flowers I am using. Of course it is also to taste and preference. I like giving roses lots of room to breath and expand. I keep things loose and I notice when I do the roses open and get more beautiful each day!


Here is the finished product! I did have to go through and trim a few stems shorter to give it a nice even look. I like it to look balanced overall but not too fussy.

When making bowl arrangements the key is to not rush it. It's easy to be in a hurry but with a design like this you need to take a slower pace. It also depends on the size of the vase. This one has only a few blooms and is about the size of a large coffee mug, so it's not too bad and great for beginners! Ones with more flowers really take patience and can get very frustrating when the shape goes wrong, so remember to take it slow.

I hope you enjoyed this little lesson! Stay tuned tomorrow for a little different arrangement!

xx, C
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A quick note: I am not trained in floristry at all. I am giving my tips and showing the way I do things. This doesn't mean it is the "right" way. I'm not at all an expert here and am only sharing from my own experience.

Note two: all the flowers I buy are certified by the Rainforest Alliance or from local farms, which means they are sustainably and responsibly grown.

7/30/13

pup-patch


















I'm at my in-laws house this morning. Don't they have the most beautiful yard? They live about two miles away from us and I come over with the pups on the days our house gets cleaned.

The girls love it here. Cricket gets so excited. She runs laps around the yard like a greyhound! It's so hard to get pictures of Amelia and Isabelle! They don't like making eye contact, especially bashful Amelia and I think she sees the camera as an eye. For some reason the camera doesn't bother Cricket at all.

I'm realizing how much of a puppy Cricket still is. She is over a year but is as flopsy, bouncy, and carefree as ever. I think part of it is that she had such a hard life up until we adopted her at seven months old. She was shy and scared of everything. Now that she has us she has come out of her shell and can finally be a puppy and experience all the things she missed. We just adore her. She is nuts, but so wonderfully wonderful.

Isabelle is a mess right now. She has skin allergies and we have been working with the vet with a weekly check in for a month now. She is so uncomfortable, I hate seeing her this way. She has scratched her ear so much that she is getting bald spots (shih tzus don't shed so it's not normal at all for her to lose hair). We have her on anti-itch medicine, and have tried a bunch of other meds. She is on special food and treats too.

Now we think it might be the redwood chips we have in the dog run. We put those in about two months ago and I can now recall that is when her allergies got worse. Poor baby! We are going to take out all the redwood chips this weekend and put in pea gravel. Until then we are keeping her out of the dog run. I hope so much that is what it is, otherwise we are going to have to run more tests and start from square one.

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In other news, I'm still really struggling with depression and anxiety. It's rough going. My therapist is on vacation until August 8th which makes things even more difficult. I'm trying so hard to hold it together.

In good news. I'm working on setting up a second blog. Don't worry, this blog will still be here, for sure! But I want to have a blog that contains more of my daily life and creative pursuits. I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to take some work, but stay tuned.

I've been thinking about how weird life is this morning. We are so alone and so connected at the same time. I wish I could help more people. I wish I had more friends.

Anyway, the day is awaiting...so time to go.

C

7/26/13

Friday confessional


Hello Friends,

I wanted to do a weekly wrap up post but nothing came to mind. I can hardly remember what happened an hour ago these days, let alone what happened during the week! Instead I will tell the truth about something that I have only recently realized myself.

I talk to myself obsessively. Any time I am alone I have to talk to myself. I think when this first started it was a healthy coping mechanism. I was giving myself positive self-talk, I was telling myself things like "It will be okay.", "Just take a deep breath.", "You are not a bad person and don't need to feel guilty.", etc. Over the last few months though, it has become compulsive. I have to say it, I don't feel safe unless I say it out loud. And I don't say the positive things much any more. I do occasionally but for the most part I am repeating words or phrases that are anxious and fearful.

I say things like "I can't, I can't, I can't" over and over. Other times I say "No! No! No!" or "Stop!". I also say "It's ok. It's ok." and "I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.". I think I'm going crazy most of the time because it doesn't really stop.

This is one reason I go out all the time. If I am alone for a day I will be out in public for most of it because then the thoughts are mainly occurring in my head instead of out loud, but then when I get in the car they come back even stronger and I talk to myself all the way home. I haven't even told my therapist that it is this bad. I didn't even recognize it myself until yesterday.

I am alone a lot. I like being alone much of the time. But I do deal with bouts of extreme loneliness. I've dealt with those feelings my whole life. I think now the stresses in my life, mixed with my depression, chronic illness, and sense of loneliness have sort of exploded into this OCD pattern.

I'm so exhausted guys, like seriously. I feel like I can't stop or settle no matter what. I have to keep going, keep thinking, keep racing, and I don't know how to stop it. It's so hard to write this out. I am having shortness of breath due to the anxiety I feel and I want to delete this damn post.

I'm worried you will think I'm weird, or crazy. But I'm not going to delete this, because I need my story to be written out.

I'm sad right now. Life is so hard sometimes/all the time. I'm hoping it will be okay one day. Please be okay one day.

Love, C