Friday confessional

Hello Friends,

I wanted to do a weekly wrap up post but nothing came to mind. I can hardly remember what happened an hour ago these days, let alone what happened during the week! Instead I will tell the truth about something that I have only recently realized myself.

I talk to myself obsessively. Any time I am alone I have to talk to myself. I think when this first started it was a healthy coping mechanism. I was giving myself positive self-talk, I was telling myself things like "It will be okay.", "Just take a deep breath.", "You are not a bad person and don't need to feel guilty.", etc. Over the last few months though, it has become compulsive. I have to say it, I don't feel safe unless I say it out loud. And I don't say the positive things much any more. I do occasionally but for the most part I am repeating words or phrases that are anxious and fearful.

I say things like "I can't, I can't, I can't" over and over. Other times I say "No! No! No!" or "Stop!". I also say "It's ok. It's ok." and "I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.". I think I'm going crazy most of the time because it doesn't really stop.

This is one reason I go out all the time. If I am alone for a day I will be out in public for most of it because then the thoughts are mainly occurring in my head instead of out loud, but then when I get in the car they come back even stronger and I talk to myself all the way home. I haven't even told my therapist that it is this bad. I didn't even recognize it myself until yesterday.

I am alone a lot. I like being alone much of the time. But I do deal with bouts of extreme loneliness. I've dealt with those feelings my whole life. I think now the stresses in my life, mixed with my depression, chronic illness, and sense of loneliness have sort of exploded into this OCD pattern.

I'm so exhausted guys, like seriously. I feel like I can't stop or settle no matter what. I have to keep going, keep thinking, keep racing, and I don't know how to stop it. It's so hard to write this out. I am having shortness of breath due to the anxiety I feel and I want to delete this damn post.

I'm worried you will think I'm weird, or crazy. But I'm not going to delete this, because I need my story to be written out.

I'm sad right now. Life is so hard sometimes/all the time. I'm hoping it will be okay one day. Please be okay one day.

Love, C

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