life collection

I've had a pretty rough go at life so far. I have experienced enough internal turmoil and isolation for a lifetime even though I have only been around twenty-nine years. It has and continues to be awful. I have also learned a lot about myself, others, and this great-weird thing called life. I thought I'd share a few of the things I have learned and am trying/wanting to learn through this process. So here goes...

1) We underestimate ourselves big time. If you would have told me when I was twenty that I would still be dealing with intensive depression at twenty-nine with hardly any let-up, I would have told you that I wouldn't make it and that I would have killed myself by this time. But hey, lookie!--I'm still here. I often ruminate on the bad things that could happen (thanks generalized anxiety disorder) and think of how terrifying these things would be and how I couldn't cope if one of my worst fears came to be reality. The thing is though, one of my worst fears has come true (my depression still being here with vengeance), and I am still here and fighting like hell.

2) Suppressing emotions or problems long term can really fuck you up and almost always makes things worse. I don't mean holding off during your seven day beach vacation kind of suppression. I mean the years of suppression of anger, sadness, jealousy, whatever. That is what gets you. Not only do you have to deal with the emotion or issue at some later date, you also have to break the habit of keeping the emotion suppressed. I can honestly say that emotional suppression has plagued me for years. I have been in therapy for six years working intensively and almost exclusively on experiencing my anger and only now have I been able to recognize and occasionally experience it. This has not only added years of stress and frustration, it has damn near cost me my life dozens of times, as I would focus the anger on myself and end up being suicidal. So for reals: try to get the bad stuff out. Otherwise you are living with poison in your veins.

3) Don't take shit from anyone (including yourself). Seriously. Stand up for yourself! If someone is treating you badly, deal with it. Address the situation or stop spending time with the person. We take it from someone more than we fight back, especially as women I think, because we don't want to look like a bitch. Screw it, look like a bitch. In fact, be proud that some people think you are a bitch- it means you have a backbone. Also, don't be mean to yourself. I still struggle with this so much, it's not even funny. Don't say or think vile things about yourself, it is so hard to dig out of and I mean it when I say the majority of people don't deserve it.

4) Music can save your life. I have made comps of songs for years and now I make one for each month of the year. I choose songs that make me sad because usually they help put some of my feelings into words and I feel less alone. I also choose happy songs, but it varies. I have some lyrics in my head that I hold onto like harnesses when things get really bad. If music isn't your thing, immerse yourself in anything that makes you feel less alone and a little more expressed.

5) It's okay to be sad for a very very very long (or short) time. I really mean this. I thought sadness would kill me if it lasted all this time. That one day I would just drop dead from it for no other reason than that I felt it for so long. Well, it doesn't work that way.  It really is okay to struggle for years and years with something. It doesn't mean you aren't working through it, it doesn't mean you are weak or too sensitive, that you take things too seriously, or just don't know how to be carefree and happy. That's all bullshit. I really don't think people choose to live with sadness long term because they think it is fun or valuable to them in some way. Anyone who tells you to just be happy is probably really out of touch with humanity, drunk, or high.

6) Your dreams wait for you. Because of my depression, I've had to put most of my dreams on hold. All my energy is focused on living each day individually, and my only goal is really to continue those days much of the time. I do have dreams and goals, and I remember them, and make lists of how I will reach them at least once a month. The frustrating thing is no matter how many lists and plans I make, I have yet to reach any of them. The only goal I am reaching is continuing to be here so I can eventually live my dreams. To say 'only' in that sentence is a bit ridiculous as I have to stay alive because all my dreams require it. I'm learning though, and it's a hard lesson, and I hate it...but, I am learning that my dreams are waiting for me. They aren't going anywhere. They may change or be edited over time, but they are still there, perhaps far off, but they exist. It's frustrating and I often feel inadequate because almost everyone I know has reached some of their dreams by now. But going back to lesson 3 above, I can't be so hard on myself. Most people I know don't have depression or chronic illness to deal with. I am just where I need to be. I don't believe that most of the time, but I'm trying to.

7) It's ok/beneficial to be open about your struggles. Have you noticed that when you share something you are dealing with a person they often relate to your struggle in some way? Isn't life about sharing the real things rather than the new shoes we bought, gossiping about a mutual friend, or talking about the new fad diet we are following? I am a pretty honest and deep person. I really don't enjoy talking about superficial things. Don't get me wrong, it's good some of the time. But when a relationship is built only on those things it feels quite empty to me. Share with people you trust and care about. It really does help. Really. I find so many bloggers writing about something difficult in their lives and they often say in the first paragraph: "I don't want my blog to be focused on this. I don't want to share too much. I really am happy most of the time. I'm not trying to be negative." I've said all these things before too, but why do we feel the need to say things like that when all we are doing is being honest? Life isn't unicorns and jellybeans all the time. If you don't like someone's honesty, get over it. The truth is most people end up relating and being helped and encouraged in some way by your honesty. I challenge you to not put disclaimers on your honesty. To not apologize for telling the truth. To foster relationships built on experiencing all of life: both bitter and sweet, and to not hold one higher than the other.

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Ok. Ok. This is a lot. Let me know your thoughts on any of these points. Is there something you would add? What are some things you are learning in your life?

xx, C

Hello Dolls,

I've been in a bit of a shock the last few days. The reason for the shock is that I am depressed again. I was depressed from August 2012 until June of this year. It wasn't just a light depression either. It was probably my very worst, very deepest. The word that comes to mind whenever I think about it is incessant. That's what it was. Never stopping, never letting up, never giving me a chance to breathe. I really can't believe I survived it. And now after less than a months reprieve those sad sallow feelings are returning- still not reaching their fill of my grieving heart, of my little sinews.

I'm so sad. I know I am depressed when I have to think about forming facial expressions. I have to remind myself to smile in social situations, to laugh. When I'm alone my face is blank, I stare off into nothingness wondering how long the baddie will last, how much more I can take. I know I'm depressed when my mind races in ferris wheel circles over and over and over through the same dreaded thoughts. I can't get engrossed in anything, the thoughts don't stop when I am reading, talking to someone, listening, watching a show, doing a project. No matter what they are drilling deeper and deeper into my head trying to strike bloody oil. Even when I sleep they are there. Like a seedling, like a root trying to grab my corpse before I am even dead.

I also feel empty. Drowning. Unable to catch my breath. An enormous weight on my chest. A squeezing sensation in my thick tough heart. It's so awful. I can't tell you or explain it properly.

But life keeps. Somehow I get up. I do laundry. I listen to music while doing chores (how in the fuck?!?). I talk to people, I blog and eat. Sometimes I think I will throw up from the emotional pain. Sometimes I wish it would come out like a badly digested meal. But that's not how it works. It's in there. In there deep. And it doesn't want to come out...ever.

Here's to the day though. Here's to still being here even when it fucking hurts.

Love, C

Yesterday's post where I mentioned my childhood really shook me up. I was anxious all day and by the evening I was sad to all hell. At bedtime I had a cry while talking to Ronald about how much pain I still carry from my childhood. I feel like those memories stalk me and blend into every aspect of my life. I felt like a bad person much of my childhood and that really affected me. I still feel guilty for basically anything I do.

I was extremely lonely as a child. I had an occasional friend but she would always move away within about a year (military life is like that for families). Somehow I stayed put. Living in the same house for about ten years on an old cul-de-sac in my little bedroom. I was homeschooled. I was forgotten. I disappeared to my room. I helped my mom run an in-home daycare when I was twelve for about a year where I watched toddlers get the attention from my parents I had always wanted but never received. I'm still haunted by that and thinking of it can bring me to tears in an instant. I got depressed. I stayed in my room.

I don't know how I survived all that isolation. I don't know how I came out with an ability to function as an adult. I was born with a strong will and stubbornness which I know played a big part in my survival.

Right now I'm so sad. I hate it. I hate thinking on the past. I wish it would just go away. But that's not how it works. Instead I have to go through it.

Love, C