"you cry until you laugh"

So this thing that I have thought was a weed for months is actually a pumpkin vine! I noticed it was growing yellow flowers and today I realized that there is a huge-o pumpkin laying in it! Crazy! I hope it lasts until October so we can have our own Halloween pumpkin!

Ronald has to work Saturday. Sometimes I think I love and need that boy too much for my damn good. But then I remember how wonderful he is and how nice it is to have that sweet fella in my life.

I seriously can't get enough of him. I hate when we aren't sitting together, talking, doing something together, when he isn't holding me or giving me a kiss. I hate when he is focused on his computer when he works from home (even though I know he needs to do it). I hate when he is on the phone, or doing something other than paying attention to me.

This sounds selfish and maybe it is in some ways. I think most of it is how I was raised. I was rarely paid attention to. My parents were constantly distracted. I didn't go to school or have many friends. I was alone. I spent my life in my bedroom. I kept myself occupied somehow, for years and years and years. I think it was because I had to be there. No matter what. I had to live in that hell. I can't express the sadness I felt then, and still feel looking back on it.

I feel like I need to catch up on all of the attention and care I missed as a child. It's like I have an empty tank and I'm trying to get it filled. I can't get enough love and attention from R and whenever I am not getting that attention I sort of panic. I get self-conscious. I feel guilty. I feel like an annoyance. I feel like a bad person. Just as I did as a child.

It's interesting how my past follows me through everything like a rolling pull-toy. I hate how empty I feel sometimes. I hate missing Ronald even when he is right there. But for now, right now, he is miles and cities away, and even though he is going to be home this evening I miss his guts so bad it really fucking hurts.

xx, C

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