the week

Hi Loves!

I didn't take many photos this week, but I love this one I found on Pinterest. Minerals are lovely, aren't they? I'm having a rest day as my ankle is still a mess. Been up since 4:30 so a trip to Starbucks seems to be in order, or maybe my little cafe' to write. We'll see how the day progresses...

Overall I just need a good nights sleep. I've been waking up between 4:30-5:00 with a start each morning from nightmares. No fun. So a NAP is happening for sure!

Here are a few things that happened this week...

--> Our passports arrived in the mail! Australia here we come!

--> I ordered some shoes and a rolling carry on bag with the money I made on a camera trade-in.

--> I had too much coffee some days while not having enough on others.

--> I wore a dress every day…hope to be brave enough for an outfit post sometime!

--> I painted my nails gold and coral pink.

--> My mother-in-law and I picked out new plants together. I got a string of pearls succulent and she found an  
     amazing plant I’ve never seen before (I even had her name it!).

--> I went thrifting with my sister and little nephew JoJo.

--> I worked through our pile of laundry (almost done!).

--> I wrote 500 words a day.

--> I had a half-breakthrough in therapy yesterday and am still feeling a little less depressed. Hooray!!!


This weekend we are painting and setting up my dressing room. I can't tell you how ecstatic I am to get some more things done in the house! I will take before and afters for sure. ;)

What are you doing this weekend?

Love, C


Bedroom redux

We redecorated our bedroom and put in a new-ish dresser. It's made of real wood which is kind of unique for us Ikea kids.

I love all the cutesy stuff, like my little collection of kitty things. For a long time I tried to hide that part of me, I thought I couldn't be thirty with Hello Kitty on my nightstand. Then I realized that's bullshit and decided to just have the things I love on display.

Our house is full of vintage toys and animal figurines, cute Japanese canisters, and lots of color and flowers. Our linens rarely match and the kitchen is full of cookie jars. It's a little cluttered, but bright and it's set up for us more than for a party (although we do have a pretty good bar). I love our style, it's ours, and it's unique.

So yeah. I'm not worrying about what people will think of our place...well trying not to. I'm embracing the things I love and the way I want to live rather than judging it or trying to make it fit into some silly standard. I hope you can do this too, it's so freeing and nice to be true to myself.

What do you think about where you live? Is it set up for the way you like to live? What is something you love about your place?

xx, C


world travelers!

So R and I are headed to Brisbane in the end of October! We are so excited!

We've never traveled internationally (in fact, we are just getting our passports). We are going because R has an amazing opportunity to brainstorm for a week with some of the top people in his industry. He will be doing that most of the trip, so I will be a brave tourist out and about on my own. Of course, we will have the evenings together to explore and a day or two to be tourists together!

I will share more details soon, but my brain is exhausted today. Medication increases are not for the faint of heart. ;)

xoxox, C


lucky gal

So I am that lucky girl who gets an entire bedroom in our house. I'm going to use it as a dressing room and I'm so excited! I already have the pink paint for the walls and we are going to set things up soon! Here is some of my inspiration...

I love the romantic and clean look of this room.

I also love the look of this room so am going to mix the two styles together.

I have this print and I absolutely love it! Can't wait to hang it!

This is my dream light for the space. I'm hoping to order it soon before it 
goes out of stock.

I love these curtains and how the terrariums mimic the shape of the lamp. 
I love those subtle details in a room. Makes it feel cohesive whether you
notice it or not.


What do you think?

I'm off to write 500 words. Something I'm doing to start the writer in me again. Am so worried it has disappeared forever. 

Love, C


some goods with the bass


I'm really good at smiling when I feel like shit. Still struggling a lot. R is working remotely so he can keep me company, it's nice to not be alone for a bit.

I wanted to list a few good things...

Getting our house cleaned. It's been a month and due to my fibromyalgia I really can't deep clean on my own. Can't wait to see a sparkly clean house this afternoon!

My in-laws backyard, which is where R and I are right now. It's full of trees, roses, and comfy patio furniture. My in-laws (P & L) who are always here for me, and Winnie, their adorable english bulldog.

Pretty dresses. I'm really forcing myself to wear a dress every day even when I don't feel like it. On bad days like this I would usually wear jeans but instead I threw on a dress and it really does make me feel more like myself.

Ronald. He knows how to take care of me. From making sure I rest my sprained ankle (which is still fucked to all hell), to making me a pellegrino on ice with a splash of orange bitters. Oh, and he always cuts up the watermelon (which is the best thing of Summer). I could go on, but you know, that would be a book.

Our pups. They are insane and bark a lot. They are also so fun and snuggly. I love how Cricket and Amelia follow me everywhere and they love taking naps with me in bed. Even if I sleep for hours, they clunk out with me. Oh and Isabelle (the littlest and cutest chocolate shih tzu on earth) who wakes me up in the morning by bopping my face with her fuzzy paw.

My bravery. Ok, this is hard to write because I rarely talk nice about myself, but I am a really fucking strong person. I fight like hell every day and it isn't a miracle that I am still alive, its because I am so tough and tenacious. Every day is a huge battle for me. Not only does my brain try to kill me, but I have a lot of physical pain. I take a ton of pills and have intense therapy appointments twice a week just to keep me alive. Every day I work hard, and every night I am plagued with nightmares that no one knows how to fix. I keep going though, because I'm tough.

My blog and all of you. Your comments mean so much. I don't always respond because I am shy as hell, but really, you mean the world to me, each one of you. So thank you!

My friends and family. Got the best note from my sister-in-law and I love my nieces and nephews so much even though I don't see them often (and have yet to meet my newest niece!). My sister and JoJo (her son) keep me going always, and I think of my brother, his wife Heather, and their little girl all the time.


Today I am going to have some retail therapy with my sister and JoJo. I haven't seen them in months because we keep getting colds and flus right when the other gets better! But right now we are all healthy so time for a Target run! Also, I get to spend the day with them tomorrow. Yay.

So yeah. I'm still trudging. Wish me luck.




Well poop. things are really bad right now depression wise. I would usually skip posting for a few days, or post Pinterest favorites, but it's honesty time around here.

Since last week I noticed the depression creeping in. I started to notice I was thinking of suicide a lot. Then I started thinking about crashing my car on the freeway, and not just in a passing thought which I deal with often, but in a real planning sort of way. It's scary as fuck.

I had therapy today and I realized how bad I am feeling. I really don't want to be here anymore. My doctor raised some of my meds. He really helped me see the patterns I am stuck in and why I am feeling this way. I almost decided to go to the hospital, but then I asked Ron to meet me at the doctors office and help me get home safely.

I don't know if this makes sense, but we deal with this a lot. I am in intense therapy twice a week, am on lots of meds, have had second and third opinions (even from Stanford hospital), and I fight like hell every day. But I still deal with suicidal thoughts and ideations all to regularly.

The thing that scares me is I know it isn't me. I know the real me wants to live...badly. Otherwise I still wouldn't be here. I know that when I am in these suicidal moments one slip up could kill me. I also know that the more times I am suicidal the more routine it becomes. My doctor reminded me that  even if I have 1,000 suicide scares, that 1,001 could be the one I act on. That every time I am suicidal I need to respond to it like it is the first time I've ever been suicidal and take it very seriously. It is a crisis.

So yeah. We're in crisis mode. I took a nap and have a bad headache. Now I'm going to sketch and try to do something that makes me feel sort of like a person.


a song

"I'm Here, I'm Not Here"
Julia Stone

Living in this room, but I don't really want to.
Living in this home, but I don't really want to.
Live inside a dream, but we're all on the same team.
We would all agree there's things we don't know.

Put me in a corner and I won't make a sound.
After you both lose your heads, I'll be what you found.
While you fight it out, I'll be quiet like a clown.
I'll build my world around the things I don't know.

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?
Oh, I don't know.

Wrap me up in blankets and push me down the stairs.
Leave me in the burning house and tell me how much you care.
I live inside a world, where words won't carry hurt
And I will try to learn the things I don't know.

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?

Live inside a dream, but we're all on the same team.
We will all agree there's things we don't know.
Live inside a dream, but we're all trying to reach
We're all trying to see those things we don't know.

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?

Oh, I don't know.



For months Ronald and I have been exclaiming "You're doing it Peter!" (a line from the movie Hook where Peter Pan starts to fly). We say it in moments where I talk about how I made dinner three nights in a row, or when Ronald finishes a book. We also say it when I did something creative, or went a few days without having a strong suicidal thought.

Robin Williams played Peter Pan in Hook. How strange to think about the line Ronald and I share in the light of Robin Williams' death.

He played so many iconic characters I grew up with. I've watched his movies dozens of time and his death is a devastating loss to us all.

I know a lot of people have the misconception that suicide is a choice. That it is giving up. But the truth is suicide is the result of an illness. I respect and admire Robin Williams for fighting his battle with depression. For smiling and working and raising children. For being compassionate and getting out of bed. In the end depression took his life, not him.

The thing it has highlighted for me most is how little people understand about mental illness. I so want the stigma toward mental illness to end. But the first step is to work through the huge level of misunderstanding surrounding mental illness.

I am going to start writing more about my struggle with depression here. I hold back a lot because I'm afraid my readers will think I am bitching or just another sob story. But that seriously doesn't matter. My passion to help others in the same situation is way stronger than my fear. So stay tuned for more honest posts about my day to day life with depression.

Ronald and I are still going to say "You're doing it Peter!", and each time I'm going to have a tender though for Robin. He will be missed.


let's be sensible...

Since I sprained my ankle in my platforms, and am a damn klutz of a gal, I've decided to get some more sensible shoes. These are the ones I'm saving for. Just ordered the floral mary janes (2 pairs for $20 at Urban Outfitters). 

I'm still sick. I was able to go out and get another ankle brace (the one the ER gave me broke!) and some pink carnations. I woke at 4:45 this morning. At 6:00 I tried to paint our coffee table and it looks awful. I guess its time to use a tablecloth over it...oh wells.

I want to shower and go to a bookstore but instead I'm in sweatpants with messy hair and my swollen as fuck ankle on a pillow. My anxiety is a little lower today and that is fab. Depression is a bitch. Anxiety is a bitch. Being sick is a bitch. But I'm trying.

Love, C


"pray the right way"

print from Mel Stringer


So Wednesday I sprained my ankle. *Goodbye to platform shoes forever!* It was a really scary moment for me because I thought I broke it and fell in the middle of a parking lot after I tried to get up and fell again and then crawled to the side of the road. Strangers looked on but just walked past. It was so strange. I ended up having to yell for someone to help me. Note to self and everyone on earth: if someone seems hurt, ask if they need help.
I totally thought it was broken so went to the ER. I was so relieved it was only a sprain! Had to use crutches for about a day but I have a a removable gel cast which gives me support so have been ok walking with only the slightest limp.

Making matters worse, on Friday I got a stomach bug (I think food poisoning???). My fever got to 103 and I was a mess. I have been sick ever since. Hardly able to hold down food or liquid. It's been rough. Yesterday afternoon I started to feel a little better, but a bit yucky feeling this morning. I'm keeping some food down though so that's good and I kind of want to drink seltzer water. Big improvement.

The hardest part though has been the out of control anxiety I have been experiencing ever since this all happened. My anxiety has been rising the past few weeks. It's gotten pretty bad. But now it is totally out of control. I burst into tears tens of times a day just sobbing about how scared I am. I keep thinking something bad is going to happen, and it was so hard to have Ronald go to work today. Anxiety is a horrible thing. Never underestimate how much it can fuck up your life. And never make anyone feel judged for having it. It is a vicious illness, that's for sure.

I have a therapy phone appointment this morning and now I am sitting outside in the half dead patio garden drinking coffee and trying to feel ok. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok. 

I've been looking for some new shoes online as my most comfortable shoes are platforms. Let's get sensible here and admit that I am a huge klutz who shouldn't be wearing heels...ever. Anyone want to donate to the shoe fund? hehehe.

Hopefully I'll be back with more jolly jobbers. But for now this is it.

Love, C



Hi Lovely.

It's been a bit. There are a lot of excitings going on as well as baddies. I've been having more than my share of panic attacks and have also been breaking out in random boogie dances throughout the day. Exciting is good. Bad is bad.

Last night I was up until about ten with a panic attack. I sobbed until I couldn't swallow or catch my breath. It scared me even though it happens a lot. Ronald was a champ working me through it and thank god for Klonopin too.

This morning my eyes are swollen and I have a rotten headache. I want to curl in a ball and watch Katherine Hepburn movies, drink too much soda, and cry all day. Instead I am going to force myself to get out of the house and go on a writing date to the French cafe'.

Things I hate right now.

not having a bathtub
not being able to work
how I get a headache when I read (even with glasses)
peanut butter (because it tastes so good)
being lactose intolerant
how I'm so shy I can't even get a manicure even though my nails desperately need it
my dying garden that just sucks even though I try
knowing I'm not pregnant
our mean/psycho neighbors

Things I love right now.

peanut butter (paradox...I know)
the puppers
our house plans
my cheap-o purse from Target
klonopin and all the meds I'm on that are saving my life
how brave and badass I am (yes. I said it.)
some upcoming travel that is going to be amaze-balls (will share soon)
seltzer water
our summer pom-pom blanket that we cuddle under while watching TV (it looks like powdered sugar)
tea in my adorable tea pot
making rituals


I'm planning on making strawberry lemonade this afternoon and some healthy muffins. Hooray-baking!

What is something you hate and something you love right now?

Love and all the good, C