7/6/14

pup notes

  


A lot has changed in the last few months. I am on a new anti-depressant that seems to really help me have energy and a pinch of hope at times. I'm also off an anti-depressant that my doctor has tried to ween me off of for years. It usually resulted in me becoming actively suicidal so he would decide to put me back on it. This time I was able to ride out the crazy mood swings that lasted over a month, and I am feeling a lot less tired and more alive.

It's great knowing we are making progress in my health, but I also know I have to make progress on my own.

I've spent a lot of time alone this year. I rarely see anyone other than R (of course) and my therapist. I just got to a point where seeing people was too much. I wasn't myself around them, I would get so emotionally drained I would end up having a panic attack on the drive home, even if the visit was happy and light. So I let myself be ok with isolating. Usually I would panic when I didn't want to see people, knowing it was my depression taking a bigger foothold in my life. But this time, I knew it was my choice to take some time off, I knew it was for a reason, even if that reason wasn't clear at first.

These last six months have taught me that it's ok to be lonely. I am a lonely person. I think my childhood was so lonely and it was so ingrained in me that I may never not feel lonely. I don't say this in a defeatist way, but in an attempt to accept it and to recognize that even if I feel lonely, it doesn't mean I am alone.

The biggest thing I have learned is how to keep myself company. For the most part I really dislike myself, and in the past when I was alone, or facing my thoughts and feelings, I would run. I would get out of the house, I would go see someone, I would sleep. I did this for years, maybe my whole life. It got so bad that any time I was home alone and not sleeping or with Ron, I would get suicidal. It was terrifying and I thought there was no solution.

Then I don't know how or when exactly, but I just faced it. I forced myself to stay home, to not take a nap, to not tune out. One of the things that gets me through the most is talking to myself. I actually talk to the dogs, but in reality I'm talking to myself. I talk through everything I am doing, I talk to the dogs as if they were my kids. I don't really care if it seems strange, because it has made me see how I am ok on my own.

I also decided to treat the dogs as if they were my kids in my actions. I don't want to treat them just like dogs, I don't want to get frustrated with them. They are animals and they don't know what I want, I need to realize that and treat them as such. In this way I also learned how to have compassion for myself.

I started reading books on dogs and their behavior, not training books, just interesting books. I also make them treats, interact with them constantly, and rarely raise my voice. I've learned ways to get their attention without yelling. I've learned how to work with Cricket (who was abused during her puppy months before we adopted her) in a way that works for us both. In all these things I have drawn parallels to my own life. I have learned to not yell at my inner self, to not be frustrated with the thoughts I have, to realized how my past has affected me, and much like Cricket, I have a lot of fear that influences my behavior and must be overcome.

My dogs have made me choose to not kill myself many times. They know when I'm low, they know when I am going to self-harm, they know when I'm having a panic attack. They come over for a snuggle and Amelia looks at me with her dow eyes, and I choose to stay. And now they aren't just saving me in the worst moments, but they are changing my life for the better all the time. Teaching me how to care for myself through caring for them (plus they get spoiled so it's a bonus!). I am so lucky to have them, I can't say it enough.

The girls (as we call them) are currently outside with me rummaging under the deck, racing through the dirt, and barking at nothing. It's a good morning. I seriously adore them. Our wild bunch of barkers and snugglers, our jumpers and foodies, our shedders and mess makers. They are the best.

xoxox, C

7 comments:

  1. The thing I do when I don't know what to do, but I want to help someone, or do something (anything) for them (so that they know they are cared for), is bake. This is why I am constantly referencing my desire to make you cupcakes/muffins/anything. And I have an overwhelming urge to go measure flour and sugar right now.

    I love this post, though. I love the understandings herein. I love the things you've learned about yourself. I can't say that I've been where you've been, but I've seen Some Shit and I appreciate, so much, your perspective on life.

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    1. I love baking too! I miss it since I've totally stopped now that I'm eating healthier. :(

      My thing is giving gifts. I end up asking for everyone's address online because I just want to send them a prezzie! Oh goodness...you have no idea how excited I get!

      Thank you so much for being here for me. Your comments are really important to me and I just adore you!

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    2. Bahaha! I love sending/giving gifts, too! So fun. Even just little things. so people know they're thought of. I love it! Yes.

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  2. "So I let myself be ok with isolating."
    "I don't say this in a defeatist way, but in an attempt to accept it and to recognize that even if I feel lonely, it doesn't mean I am alone."
    "The biggest thing I have learned is how to keep myself company. For the most part I really dislike myself, and in the past when I was alone, or facing my thoughts and feelings, I would run."
    "I have learned to not yell at my inner self, to not be frustrated with the thoughts I have, to realized how my past has affected me, and much like Cricket, I have a lot of fear that influences my behavior and must be overcome."

    WOW! Those are all huge, amazing things. I used to hate myself so, so much… I still struggle with that to some degree. But when I started learning to actually *like* myself (or at least not hate myself so much), a lot of things changed for me too. And Juneaux, my cat, was instrumental in helping me learn how to treat myself kindly as well! Funny :) Something about animals… they teach us so much about ourselves.

    Also, congrats on getting off of that antidepressant!! I know firsthand from recent experience how HARD getting off of certain medications can be physically and mentally. So this is a big stinkin deal, and I'm really happy for you! All of it, actually. Those are very large steps forward in the emotional and mental healing process, and healthy ways of functioning.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Cassandra! I know getting off meds is so hard! It is amazing how much animals are almost like mirrors into our own souls. I always remember hearing (not sure where) that animals see us the way we wish we really were.

      xoxox, C

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    2. I like that. Seeing us the way we wish we really were…

      So if they see us that way, does that mean that we really ARE that way? Because animals are pretty much incapable of guile...

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    3. I hope it's true but it's hard to believe. They don't hear all the shit I say so don't see all my faults (if any). :)

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