Dear ones,

I haven't written an honest to goodness post in a long time. I've wanted to stay quiet about things. Just hold things close and not share too much. But this morning I feel like sharing a bit, so here goes...

Things have been rough. The renovations were hell as I have mentioned over and over, it was an extremely stressful time for us and I ended up starting to self-harm again. I had gone several months without self-harming so this is a big setback. Some of my biggest triggers are stress and feeling trapped, so it totally makes sense that this would happen. I'm working on it...

Also my fibromyalgia has been ridiculous. Stress is the biggest trigger for me to have a flare up so this also makes perfect sense. I'm in so much pain it's hard to think straight or do much. Every inch of me is tender to touch and I am just so sore. I hate being in constant pain and how much it affects my life.

I've also been really sad. I'm not clinically depressed, but I'm really struggling with old patterns, depressed mood, anxiety, and just an intense sadness. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning a lot of things but the main one is how my life is so different than I imagined it would be. I didn't imagine I would have an amazing life, I just thought things would be ok, but they aren't even that. I have ok moments, I even have nice good moments sometimes. But mostly it's struggle.

I've been so down on myself too. My brain just won't stop telling me how horrible I am. It's so intense it often brings me to tears. I'm so tired of fighting all this. Right now the idea of doing anything is so overwhelming, even things like chores, let alone being creative or moving forward with my personal growth.

So yes. Life can be hellish sometimes. Then there are moments where I sit on our swing outside and look at the sky, or have a good cup of coffee, or listen to a beautiful song, and I think things are pretty good. I still don't know if I'll make it, and that scares me, but I'm hoping I will.

xo, C



dolled up for the birthday
1. My birthday was weird. We found out our mattress was broken so instead of going on a date to Ikea and a favorite spot for lunch, we went mattress shopping and brought home pizza. I still dolled up and wore a new shade of lipstick!

2. The renovations on our house (that were supposed to be done before Christmas!) will probably be done today other than some few issues we have to fix. This has been the worst renovation experience we've ever have mainly because the company we are working with is just rotten. I've been so stressed and miserable the last few months due to this nonsense, so I can't wait to get back to normal life!

3. I'm reopening my Esty shop. I changed the name to Slow Darling Slow (a phrase from a favorite poem I wrote), and I am going to sell my various crafts and art. Including brooches, pinup style hair clips, and some drawings. Still working on changing the banner and gussying the place up so it will take a little time to get it up and running, but keep an eye out.

4. Due to the renovations the last two months, I've had to stay home most days to watch our dogs and keep the project in order. I can't wait to have some time to myself and be able to go to cafes and write! 

5. We had our bed set up in our living room for a month! On my birthday we were able to finally get our bedroom back! So nice to have some of our house back and it was seriously one of the best birthday presents!

6. I have a lot of plans to doll up the house and freshen it up. Can't wait to get moving on it! I will share some pictures once things get done. I feel like things are really coming together. I'm super proud of our bathrooms that are being renovated because I designed them. They both came together just like I imagined! It's kind of surprising to realize I am good at something that is so important to me.

7. For Valentine's R and I are planning on cooking dinner together, and making cookies, sounds perfect!

8. We were going to finally make it to Ikea this week, but due to the Super Bowl being in town we are going to stay home to avoid the crazy traffic jams! For Super Bowl we are nesting and eating junk food. I refuse to leave the house all day.

I can't wait to share more on the blog and get more connected! xoxox