life collection: March 2015

3/28/15

Hungry Bunnies

I've been noodling on starting an Etsy shop for years, and now it's finally time. Hungry Bunnies will be opening soon! I have been working on these plaque prototypes for a while and am finally happy with how they are coming out. I am going to use my photographs, silk flowers, feathers, felt, embroidery, and labels typed with my old typewriter. Everything is fastened with fancy little nails (I love the rose gold ones in the last photo!). It's fun to hammer away, although a bit loud, and hammering through silk flowers kind of makes me giggle.

Today is for crafting and making more. I want to have at least ten items to put in the shop for the grand opening. On opening day I'll share a coupon code for 20% off here on the blog, so keep an eye out!

xo, C

3/26/15

Home

It's been awhile since I've done an around the house post so I pulled out my DSLR and took a few snaps this morning. I've been using my iPhone so much to take photos, it was nice to use a proper camera.

The house has been bright and warm. The plants are happy, and I am loving looking out our kitchen window and the window my desk is under.

I go out and sit on our patio swing a few times throughout the day. It is a huge restful space for me. In fact, I've sat on that swing on many depressed/suicidal times. It's amazing what a little swing and sunshine can do to keep me alive. Thankful I'm still here even though life hurts much of the time. For now, the house is making me happy, and that's good.

xo, C

3/19/15

"banish sadness and strife"

Well, I've been sick since the weekend. I've been feeling pretty blue about the whole thing. Yesterday I pulled myself together, lipstick and all, and went to the park. It was a beautiful promise-of-Spring day and I sat on a bench and laid on a bench, and lifted my legs and arms into the warm air. It cheered me up so much.

Today I am still recovering, but I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. The Mister came home with flowers last night which was so sweet. They are in a vase on a coffee table setting like a smile and a heart. I am one lucky lady, even with a cold.

xo, C

3/18/15

Favorite pins

This print is the best!

The cutest!

I want all my dresses to look like this.

This quote is lovely.

36 Bohemian homes to swoon over.

1968 folkart painting in Hungary

3/14/15

full-up

Unicorn

Self acceptance is a weird bitch. It's hard to conceptualize and even harder to practice. I hate that I need it, but I really do. I am learning I have everything that I need within myself to be happy and full. I don't like this. For so long I have believed that my insides were the reason my life was failing and it literally almost killed me.

I always looked for external sources of happiness. I thought that if I just got a new (fill in the blank), went back to school, had a baby, or a career, things would all come together and I would be full. But then I noticed that after a new thing came into my life I would be full of disappointment rather than happiness because nothing changed, I was still empty.

I thought external things would be my reasons for living because my insides were so messy. After much therapy and hard work, I now see that my happiness and fulfillment has to come from within. Yes, I have depression, but rather than letting it define who I am internally, I am recognizing it as a disease I suffer with. I am not depression, I am not a hopeless case. I have all I need within me to be ok.

When I last met with my therapist we discussed how I'm still not happy. And not just not happy, but sad. I don't find fulfillment in life, I don't know how people get through it without feeling empty. I told him I just want to feel so-so, I just want to not feel empty. He told me that I should raise the bar in how I want to feel. That my goal shouldn't be to not feel empty, but instead to feel full, content, and good.

I rarely think I can be content for long and I think happiness is sort of a joke for me. I've always dealt with severe sadness and depression. Thinking I can be content is pretty radical. And yet, I'm going to do it. It's time to take my life back. It's time to find fulfillment from within. I feel more in control of my life than ever before. I am ready to be full-up.

xo, C

3/13/15

Mabel

This is our backyard squirrel. I named her Mabel and she gets into all our bird feeders by hanging upside down from the roof. I yell at her sometimes and other times take photos and videos, but I always giggle. She is a ham, but actually a squirrel. I kind of love her.

xo, C

3/11/15

sorts

We leave Vegas today and I haven't snapped a single photo. I just don't feel like it. Although I've enjoyed the trip, I also feel out of sorts and irritable. This is partly due to the decrease of one of my antidepressants to help with my insane energy crisis. I get pretty shitty withdraws even from a small decrease in medication. But it's worth it when I think of the potential to have enough energy for daily functioning.

I also have been dealing with the excitement and complete frustration of building a life outside of depression. I have lived as the depressed girl for over ten years, and never had a chance to start a life outside of being the sick one. Things are changing and I've really chipped away at that old identity. It's tediously slow going and I feel like I have to learn how to do everything in a new way. The current changes I have made are not only external (seeing a personal trainer/going to school/etc), but more importantly internal. I'm working my ass off to keep myself on a stable footing, it's so easy to go into my old coping patterns so staying on the right track is tricky.

I have a lot of goals. I want to get a biology degree, make a living whether through a standard career or creative pursuits, and be a mother. I also want to write a book, start cooking again, and eventually get off disability.

I'm excited about this new chapter in my life. It's scary and wonderful and I feel both free and weighed down. Emotionally I am still dealing with a lot of ups and downs. I'm discontent. I'm anxious. I'm almost depressed. But I'm devoting myself to this new start. Whether I continue to experience bouts of depression or not, I am committed to moving forward with my life, and being true to myself.

I've been slowing down. Meditating, doing yoga, and reading about buddhism. I now see the importance of being present and the joy I find in the little things. I think being in the moment is one of the things that is really helping me achieve my goals. Looking back is painful, looking ahead makes me anxious, but staying here (in this moment) is just right.

xo, C