We leave Vegas today and I haven't snapped a single photo. I just don't feel like it. Although I've enjoyed the trip, I also feel out of sorts and irritable. This is partly due to the decrease of one of my antidepressants to help with my insane energy crisis. I get pretty shitty withdraws even from a small decrease in medication. But it's worth it when I think of the potential to have enough energy for daily functioning.

I also have been dealing with the excitement and complete frustration of building a life outside of depression. I have lived as the depressed girl for over ten years, and never had a chance to start a life outside of being the sick one. Things are changing and I've really chipped away at that old identity. It's tediously slow going and I feel like I have to learn how to do everything in a new way. The current changes I have made are not only external (seeing a personal trainer/going to school/etc), but more importantly internal. I'm working my ass off to keep myself on a stable footing, it's so easy to go into my old coping patterns so staying on the right track is tricky.

I have a lot of goals. I want to get a biology degree, make a living whether through a standard career or creative pursuits, and be a mother. I also want to write a book, start cooking again, and eventually get off disability. 

I'm excited about this new chapter in my life. It's scary and wonderful and I feel both free and weighed down. Emotionally I am still dealing with a lot of ups and downs. I'm discontent. I'm anxious. I'm almost depressed. But I'm devoting myself to this new start. Whether I continue to experience bouts of depression or not, I am committed to moving forward with my life, and being true to myself.

I've been slowing down. Meditating, doing yoga, and reading about buddhism. I now see the  importance of being present and the joy I find in the little things. I think being in the moment is one of the things that is really helping me achieve my goals. Looking back is painful, looking ahead makes me anxious, but staying here (in this moment) is just right.

xo, C

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