lonely hermit

Hi Dolls,

I've been a lonely hermit these days. Holy shit loneliness is the worst. I had an extremely lonely childhood and I find that it has followed me into my adult years. I have been withdrawing like crazy and that makes it so much worse.

I've had a few weeks of low energy along with a fibro flare which just ruined me. I could hardly shower and actually used a garden chair in the shower just to be able to bathe! It was pretty ridiculous but I'm starting to feel better (even went for a walk this morning). 

I have so many things I am looking forward and wanting to do but I'm dealing with a lot of psychological and emotional issues as well as anxiety. It's really holding me back. But I'm doing my absolute best to move forward and not creep back into depression.

I'm realizing more and more that I love living a simple life and if my emotional and health issues would just ease up a bit I could really get to a content place. I love quiet days and doing little creative projects. Gardening, cooking, snuggling pups, reading, writing notes, these are all my favorites and I have the opportunity to do those things, which is great! But my main focus is getting better health wise, and it's so difficult, but that's ok. It's happening, slowly but surely. 

I'm hoping to come back to this space more and have a few posts in the works, so stick around.

xo, C


slow down

Hi Dears,

Nothing like being sick to remind me to slow down. I have an appointment with my doctor to see what's wrong. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet soon as being sick isn't the best form of rest!

But I am trying to take things slower. I have time to myself and I'm not depressed! After ten years of consistent depression, it's amazing to have gone three months depression free! I am so happy and working even harder in therapy to continue to grow and improve. I'm so excited about what is to come.

Right now my main focus creatively is being a plant lady. I am propagating succulents and growing them in vintage bowls and cups. I'm hoping to get enough going so I can sell them at a swap meet. It will take months and months to get there, but it's a fun goal! 

I'm also going to get back to writing. I became really discouraged after not getting any feedback from some writers who offered to help. It really destroyed my confidence. But I have to get back to it. There is a new cafe' open downtown that has a lot of quiet little booths that would be great to write in. So I'm going to try my luck at it once a week.

I'm doing my best to enjoy the little things. Growing leaves, puppy barks, the tiny changes in the weather, the way R's hand feels in mine. It's good. And for now it's vitamin c and lots of tea to get me back in ship-shape!

xo, C


it goes on...


Hi Doves,

So I am no longer a "working girl". I put my notice in yesterday. I'm finishing up a few projects and then that will be that. Sometimes I wish it was easier for me to feel settled and happy in a work situation, but this time around it wasn't a match. I was also working with family and I learned that mixing personal relationships with professional ones is just not my cup of tea. In the end it's no ones fault, it just wasn't the right fit.

I have some ideas of what I want to do next but I'm sort of exploring it and taking my time. I am going to take some "home life" time. We have a lot of renovations that need to be scheduled and moved forward on. I am also going to take some craft classes, hoping for baking and sewing ones! One day I want to write poetry again without panicking while I stare at a blank screen.

I also have to work on re-building the garden (one of our dogs had to be hospitalized from eating corn in the garden! Luckily she is healing!). I need to put a gate around it to keep the pups out and move it to a different spot in the yard. I also have been propagating succulents and love it, but I need to get more going. I need more window space and have been wracking my brain for ideas on how I can put more plants in the house. My craft desk is now going to be a "plant nursery"! 

I have this whole bohemian life dream where I live simply and quietly and contentedly. The two most important things for me are freedom and congruence. Freedom to be myself, freedom to love and care, freedom to express. I also want congruence, for my internal life to match and sync up with my external life. When I am living that way I am genuinely happy and it feels great. So that is what I'm moving towards. More congruence. More freedom. Like Jane Austen, I have to make my own way. 

xo, C