life collection

It's a big week. Today we go in for a fertility appointment. Things aren't looking good. I have a double uterus and that means any pregnancy would be pretty high risk. We are getting some tests back to get more information. I'm already heartbroken about the double uterus. I know it is a birth defect and something that just happens, but there is definitely a shame around it, definitely another area where I feel like I am made wrong. 

Next we have the housecleaners coming on Tuesday. Which may seem awesome and innocuous, but for me it's just about sheer terror. I am so anxious having people I don't know in my house. It's a struggle every time they come. But the pay off is great, clean bathrooms are underrated. 

Then Wednesday I meet a new potential friend for the first time. This is scary as I am a hermit and freak out when I first meet people. I also feel like if we don't click I am going to blame myself and feel rejected and messed up, even though that is bullshit. My brain thinks a lot of bullshit things because a. I have depression, b. I have an anxiety disorder, and c. I have very low self-esteem. Thankfully I'm working on all of these things and hoping one day they will have less of an influence on my daily life.

So let's just say I am going to be a mess. Usually one stressful event a week is all I can take, but this week I have three. Life's a big scary thing sometimes and I can't keep putting off living because I'm afraid. I'm done living in fear. So here I go...wish me luck!

xo, C