Self acceptance is a weird bitch. It's hard to conceptualize and even harder to practice. I hate that I need it, but I really do. I am learning I have everything that I need within myself to be happy and full. I don't like this. For so long I have believed that my insides were the reason my life was failing and it literally almost killed me.
I always looked for external sources of happiness. I thought that if I just got a new (fill in the blank), went back to school, had a baby, or a career, things would all come together and I would be full. But then I noticed that after a new thing came into my life I would be full of disappointment rather than happiness because nothing changed, I was still empty.
I thought external things would be my reasons for living because my insides were so messy. After much therapy and hard work, I now see that my happiness and fulfillment has to come from within. Yes, I have depression, but rather than letting it define who I am internally, I am recognizing it as a disease I suffer with. I am not depression, I am not a hopeless case. I have all I need within me to be ok.
When I last met with my therapist we discussed how I'm still not happy. And not just not happy, but sad. I don't find fulfillment in life, I don't know how people get through it without feeling empty. I told him I just want to feel so-so, I just want to not feel empty. He told me that I should raise the bar in how I want to feel. That my goal shouldn't be to not feel empty, but instead to feel full, content, and good.
I rarely think I can be content for long and I think happiness is sort of a joke for me. I've always dealt with severe sadness and depression. Thinking I can be content is pretty radical. And yet, I'm going to do it. It's time to take my life back. It's time to find fulfillment from within. I feel more in control of my life than ever before. I am ready to be full-up.
xo, C