life collection

Hello Dolls,

I've been in a bit of a shock the last few days. The reason for the shock is that I am depressed again. I was depressed from August 2012 until June of this year. It wasn't just a light depression either. It was probably my very worst, very deepest. The word that comes to mind whenever I think about it is incessant. That's what it was. Never stopping, never letting up, never giving me a chance to breathe. I really can't believe I survived it. And now after less than a months reprieve those sad sallow feelings are returning- still not reaching their fill of my grieving heart, of my little sinews.

I'm so sad. I know I am depressed when I have to think about forming facial expressions. I have to remind myself to smile in social situations, to laugh. When I'm alone my face is blank, I stare off into nothingness wondering how long the baddie will last, how much more I can take. I know I'm depressed when my mind races in ferris wheel circles over and over and over through the same dreaded thoughts. I can't get engrossed in anything, the thoughts don't stop when I am reading, talking to someone, listening, watching a show, doing a project. No matter what they are drilling deeper and deeper into my head trying to strike bloody oil. Even when I sleep they are there. Like a seedling, like a root trying to grab my corpse before I am even dead.

I also feel empty. Drowning. Unable to catch my breath. An enormous weight on my chest. A squeezing sensation in my thick tough heart. It's so awful. I can't tell you or explain it properly.

But life keeps. Somehow I get up. I do laundry. I listen to music while doing chores (how in the fuck?!?). I talk to people, I blog and eat. Sometimes I think I will throw up from the emotional pain. Sometimes I wish it would come out like a badly digested meal. But that's not how it works. It's in there. In there deep. And it doesn't want to come out...ever.

Here's to the day though. Here's to still being here even when it fucking hurts.

Love, C