1/16/13

"you can tell god I'll be fine"


I cry a lot these days. Sometimes a feel like a faucet. I think I have had a life full of tears and I'm only in my twenties. I try to explain how I'm feeling to Ronald, but words lose their strength and come out like brittle seashells. So most of the time I keep it to myself. Of course Ronald knows what's going on whether I speak or stay silent.

I have been sick for years. I really think my whole life. My childhood was a fraud, there wasn't any bit of truth or good or reality. I feel like I faked the whole thing because I had to in order to survive. So here I am: hurt, hurt, hurt. I don't know how to express the disappointment in the fact that I ache constantly (both physically and emotionally). That my dreams and hopes and wants are on hold because I can't function enough to get to them.

I try not to think about what I wanted my life to be. That I want to be a mother more than anything. That I want to not hurt and be sad every day, or take a myriad of pills, or have to worry about razor blades in the shower and sharp knives in the kitchen.

So I hold onto little shards of hope. Sometimes they scrape my palms. Sometimes good things hurt too. Because I realize that is all I have. But it is, and that's it, and it has to be enough, because that is all there is.

So I wake up, I get out of bed due to habit and have-to. And I smile and wear a thick paper-mache' mask, delicately formed to my pocked and broken face. I talk calmly, and try not to explain too much. Because it scares them, because I don't want to seem like a baby, because I don't want to seem crazy.

And there I go, into a big brave marvelous world. I am the broken thing that hobbles down streets trying to look normal.

xx, C

7 comments:

  1. Sweet Catherine, know you're not alone in this world. I know you don't know me very well, but this is my e-mail: lariatsandlavender@gmail.com

    When you feel like you need to talk, vent, release anger, or happiness, talk about what you love, or hate, etc. Please e-mail me.

    I suffer from severe OCD, depression and separation anxiety. I am applying for SSDI, I have been denied. I found a will-work-for-free-until-you-win lawyer, who is helping me battle that denial. I have found a low cost clinic, since I don't have the ungodly amount of money most clinics ask for and I cannot get on Medicaid, because of the SSDI denial. Crazy cycle!

    Jen, who is my best friend, wife and soul mate in one suffers Bipolar Depression, severe anxiety and social anxiety. She luckily has gotten approved for SSDI and Medicaid, and while that is wonderful, she is still struggling. We help each other, we have each other, which is all we need.

    We also have family and friends who listen. Some understand, some don't.

    You are NOT alone.

    Opening up to another can be scary, or life changing. You can talk to me anytime, I promise. I am not a psychiatrist, but I understand maybe even more than they can.

    If you don't have a psychiatrist or a therapist, I recommend getting one because they can and do help. I've had some in the past, and as I said, I am now making an appointment with a new one.

    If you don't have the funds, low cost clinics can truly help. Mine is a sliding fee scale of $4-5.00 a visit.

    Let me know if I can help you in anyway!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I will definitely keep your email handy.

      I do go to therapy twice a week, I don't know what I'd do without it.

      Thanks for reaching out to me. I wish you all the best!

      xx, C

      Delete
  2. I think the phrase "sometimes good things hurt too" is just about the most touching and heartbreaking thing I've ever read. From every experience I've had with depression, whether it be from me or from others, this is what sets it apart from normal sadness or normal frustration. Depression consumes people and can poison everything, even happy things. I know you talk about how lucky you are to have such a great support system in Ronald and that is a comforting thought when I read posts like this.

    It's a hard thing to imagine what a horrible childhood is like. When I'm at the bottom, like the complete bottom, the love from that time is what is next to me....making me feel safe. I can't fathom the strength that it would take to face the demons of the world without that. You are such a strong person and I would say that if anything happy can come out of a bad situation like what you're describing, it's that you should be so so proud of yourself for still being here, fighting and for being able to share these struggles.

    Hang in there <3 <3 <3
    Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So this is actually me. I was accidentally logged in to a community design testing blog. Sorry!! <3

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much Renee. You are such a doll, and I'm so happy to have you here in blogland!

      xx, C

      Delete
  3. Hi my dear, I feel so much like you do. Like when I speak the words that are hurting so much deep inside come out wrong and meaningless. I feel vulnerable and so I keep a lot inside. In my family I am supposed to be the strong one but I can no longer keep up with that. So I try to get by day by day and pray one day will be better. I am sorry we feel this way but I love that we are sisters and can support each other. Don't be afraid to talk to me whenever you want. I trust you and feel like I can talk to you about it all. You never have judged me and always listen and give me great advise. You are so strong and I admire you.

    Hugs and talk to you soon
    Carmen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carmen, I am hoping so much that we can both get through this, I'm so glad we have each other!

      xx, C

      Delete

I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)